Wow, overnighting the first time? Have you met this fella?

Well, it's my experience that no one can ruin a vagina any differently than I could, so I had to just tell myself this was all in my head. Took a couple of times to struggle through it, but getting a hobby helped me a lot.

See, until I found a hobby, when she went out, i stayed at home chafed I WASN'T going out.

That was counterproductive to my mental health.

So, I started tracking down obscure bands showing in town and going to their shows.

Eventually, I looked FORWARD to her going out, so I could go have fun.

Things got MUCH better after that.

You'll do fine as long as you don't freak out.

My wife just got a new partner, the first in a year or two, whom she slept with for the first time last week. Beyond dealing with some minor jealousy, I've been pretty stoked on the whole thing. She's been excited and happy about it and it's great to see her light up like that, it definitely has put a boost into our own sex life, I've met and like the dude and trust him and his intentions, and a new partner always gets us talking a bunch. For us, being poly has made our relationship much more strong, and we talk a lot more about things we never talked about when we were monogamous. I hope the same for you! And when it gets down to facing jealousy issues when you're partner is out with someone else, distraction can help. For me going out with friends and being social rather than sitting around alone at home was the key to dealing with jealousy issues at first. Good luck, most of us have been there before, and most of us are happy it's a path we went down.

Well, it's 1:05am here in the eastern time zone and I figure anything that was going to happen has probably happened by now. I'm not really sure how I feel right now. I would like to thank those of you who offered comment. This isn't the kind of thing I could talk to anyone else about since everyone we know is monogamous or pretending to be, some divorced, some not. I got this far by keeping two of my kids with me until 12:30pm. That way I had to be something like my normal self. Thank goodness it's not a school night.

I may not have dealt with my jealousy the right way but mentally I shut it in a dark cell within my mind with a heavy 3" thick oak door and cast-iron hardware. There were times today when I felt like it was clawing it's nails off on the inside of that door, going completely berserk to try and get out. All I had to do was keep a bit of pressure against the door. I know how it would completely fuck up my marriage if I let it. Sometime over the last couple of hours I must have accepted what is going on because there's no panicked feeling within me now. Just quiet. I'm either worn out or something has changed in me. I just hope it's all negative stuff that I've killed off. Good advice to keep away from Tequila and cell-phones. My cell-phone hasn't left me all day. Waiting for her call rather than bursting to intervene though. Only two drinks in the last few hours.

To answer Edward's early questions, it's the first time they've spent more than a couple of hours together in a place where they can be guaranteed privacy. I have met him and I'm afraid my biggest problem is that his goals do not involve being part of a polyamorous arrangement. She has explained her feelings to him but my gut feeling is that he feels he can convince her to be monogamous in time. She has had trouble accepting that she has very strong feelings for us both and would be extremely embarrassed at this stage if anyone found out about how she feels. She still wants to conform and cares about the opinions of almost everyone around us. I fear that he may just confuse her further. I have never seen her happier than when I have been accepting of sharing her. I was aggressive and angry at one point (but in control at all times) and our marriage was on the brink of collapse because of it. I decided at that point that, even though I think her choice is a poor one, I have to let her make it and be there to protect and comfort her if necessary. I have made a gesture of friendship to him as well and I can only hope that the weirdness of the arrangement for him will dissipate. I believe that he can either respect my position in her life and accept my offer of friendship or he can reject it and work towards displacing me from my marriage with all the perceived disrespect that I will infer from that course. Only a little research should be enough to make that course unthinkable. I am not the kind of person anyone should consciously become the enemy of lightly. Boy, it's so easy to head towards the darker paths of thought.

Anyway, thanks to all who have commented once again. I will follow-up when we are all existing in a sustainable polyamorous arrangement. Good luck to anyone else working through their first transition from monogamy.

Yeah I am sure you didn't sleep the whole night.

So a week and a half has passed and I thought I'd post an update. They did indeed consummate their relationship and although I have wakened frequently to that image in my head it is one that does not take long to dismiss. The bigger issue now is that her new partner is being completely hypocritical in my mind. I have reached out to him again because, frankly, I need the reassurance that he has good intentions towards our existing marriage. He may have been drinking at the time but I received an email reply that I can only describe as openly hostile. He does not want to have contact with me because that would move the situation from "tolerable towards normality". Which is exactly where I think we should be headed. He is happy to reap the benefits of the arrangement whilst denying his consent to it in principle. My wife has asked me to give him a chance because I have had so much longer to become accustomed to this type of arrangement and he is still very confused. I am offended at being merely tolerated and regarded as an obstacle when I am the pre-existing spouse and have felt myself slipping towards returning his hostile feelings. I am keenly aware of the dangers of imposing my perspective on my wife but last night I had to tell her that I did not see any possibility of this arrangement being sustainable. It seemed like she was reluctantly coming to the same conclusion and was actually planning to call the whole thing off but this morning she told me she didn't know what she was going to do. She is meeting him after work tonight. She also brought up the fact (again) that although our relationship is great now, it has been rocky for large parts of our marriage and I am realising that she has less faith in the long-term strength of our relationship than I should have supposed. She says she has never led him to believe that a monogamous relationship with him would be a possibility in the future but I think she may have expressed misgivings about our relationship to him and as I told her, a hint is as good as a promise to a man in love. She plans to make her feelings regarding her relationship crystal-clear to him tonight at which point he may walk away himself but I doubt it.

Is there any possibility of this arrangement still being salvageable? If it fails I suspect it will have been our first and last chance to adopt a polyamorous lifestyle which I feel is a great pity since she was genuinely happy at the prospect of having us both in her life. Not only that, but I am faced with the formidable task of resisting my hostile feelings towards him should things go wrong in our marriage now. This is such a clusterfuck (perhaps not considered a bad thing on this forum but you know what I mean).

This is all because the question "how do you feel about non-monogamous relationships?" was not asked before she first kissed him. It was a new concept to her and she failed to take key steps along the way. I am exasperated.