I honestly feel that being poly is as much a sexual orientation as being straight, bi, or gay. To me monogamy and plyamory, as well as polyfidelity, are all linked just as the straight/bi/gay paradigm. As such I have ever struggled with my sexuality in the western world where such practices are often frowned upon and in some places are actually illegal. Imagine that: a sex crime. What is this, an Orwellian society?

Recently I was able to put a name to how I have always felt, though before there was much struggle and hardship in relationships as I strained to conform to what was expected of me in a relationship. Despite having dated and been briefly married to primarily bisexual women, things just never worked out. I was living in the midwest at the time (Oklahoma to be specific) and the only "alternative" sexualities were gays and swingers, both made me rather uncomfortable in that it just wasn't right for me.

Over the years I have come to find a deeper and more mature understanding of how I feel and what kind of relationship I want to have. However, I have yet to be able to find a receptive partner due to being somewhat of a social recluse. My reclusiveness was a direct result of feeling awkward in public around so many beautiful and attractive women. But, having been raised in an environment of exclusivity and having that been re-enforced by monogamous bisexual women trying to manipulate the relationships I was in to their ends rather than open love has led me to a place of awkwardness and self contiousness.

Though I am fully aware of my feelings the actions of others have left me feeling somewhat insecure, and though I am polyamorous by nature, I find that because of my experiences I am, for the time being, stipened by only being able to handle polyfidelity, where love is free and open but the relationship is closed beyond three people. I just dont feel that I could handle any more than that. The bigotous nature of the western world has harmed myself and many others of a similar nature whom I have spoken with at length. It is no different than being persecuted for being bi or gay, yet there is very little awareness and thus much fear and contemptment for our kind.

The worst part of all of this is that while there was nothing inherently wrong with how I was feeling, I was not able to comprehend the full implications of it since I had never had any exposure to it. As a direct result I found myself contemplating cheating on my lovers over the years, thankfully I was stronger than to give in to my baser instincts and was able to stave off seriously hurting anyone through the relationally destructive act of cheating.

As I previously stated I have recently been able to put a name to what I have always been, and as such had to address this self discovery with my significant other. She herself had dabbled with the prospect of polyamory in the past, however it was while with abusive and controlling men whom were really just looking for a justification to cheat as there was no honesty or compassion being expressed or reciprocated. To further complicate matters her previous bisexual lover came back with her new boyfriend wanting to have a triad with her. The down side is that the man involved was acting on the same motives of control and abuse as all the other men she had been with in such a relationship. I have discussed things with her and, over many tears, she was able to express her fears which I have been able to put mostly at ease. Though I do not believe she is opposed to a polyamorous relationship, she is definately scarred from the past making things rather difficult for both of us.

In the end we have been able to come to the agreement that I would be limited to one other partner with no sexual contact, which is definately a step in the right direction. My main fear however is not for this relationship but rather for all of the other people out there that are experiencing the same issues and pains as a result of past manipulation and bigotry in the Untied States and parts of the EU (though the EU is much better off and much more open than the US). Having been badly emotionally scarred by the actions and predjudices of the mainstream I understand a deep need for awareness and open expressiveness that is lacking in modern American society. I have become aware of the awareness rallies yet do not feel that I could participate in them due to the nature of my situation.

The point of all of this is to thank those that openly fight for poly rights. Rest assured that those of us that cannot do the same are eternally greatfull for your time and efforts. I only pray that in time the injustices that have scarred so many will be a thing of the past.

From what I have been able to surmise certain parts of the country are very repressed, and it is those parts of the country that produce stories like mine numbering in the thousands. It is my hope that as awareness grows the number of people that put themselves through hell trying to conform to a social "norm" that just isn't for them will decrease sharply.

As for me the time of healing is just beggining, and a long hard road it will be. Thankfully after moving to Sacramento, CA I have found a few friends that understand and support me in this as well as one poly woman that has been instrumental in helping me become self aware. Now that I have been made aware of the existance of a community of like minded people I believe that emotional healing is forthcoming and I will finally be able to find my way.