I guess I'm from the planet where once someone's an "ex" they don't really get a say in my decision-making process, so this whole question seems very odd to me.

If you had never been involved with her before, and now he isn't involved with her, what function does her opinion serve in decisions between you and he?

While an ex may still be your friend, you're no longer in a relationship with them, hence they have no say. Unless you let your other friends have some say in your relationship agreements. Sounds like an ex still trying to control you, which I find kinda creepy.

I tend towards a preference for no agreements beyond safer-sex ones, but if you and your hubby want to stop his sleepovers at the ex's house, then I don't see why she should have a "say".

If someone is an ex, that person gets no say at all in how I live my life. Period.

I agree with Edward. What in the heck planet is this person from?

Okay, this is good. I thought I was just going crazy. My thing is - you're the ex. You left the relationship. Your say no longer holds any weight in how I manage my relationship. Lol.

Miss Eeyore - I completely respect your agreement with your partner, and I don't think anyone outside the relationship should have anything to say about how you and he manage it.

But, just out of curiosity: what about your partner staying the night with her makes you uncomfortable? I know it's a moot point, but as I said, I'm just curious. Was she "toxic" for him? Is their continuing friendship also uncomfortable for you?

Pardon me if I'm being a bit dense, but what exactly does 'staying the night" mean?

Does it mean crashing on the couch when the two now-friends have been partying late? Does it mean 'friends with benefits' sex?

I'm sure the boundaries between 'ex-lover' and 'friend' would be difficult to establish for them, so some adjustment period is inevitable. Still, I think the two of you need to work out what your agreements are for your relationship, without interference by anyone else.

Okay, instead of trying to follow the threads of madness, I went back to the original post.

"how involved should ex-partners be in the creation/approval of boundaries and new agreements?"

Entirely up to you -- whatever you want. Singular AND plural form of "you."

"...he has broken up with his other partner but have decided to remain friends. I expressed my discomfort with him staying the night and asked that he agree to that as an agreement. So no sleepovers."

Are you saying no to him sleeping over with you, no to him sleeping over with her, or no to her sleeping over with you?

Not that it matters TOO much, because the whole agreement about sleeping-over is between only two people (I think), so if those two people are in agreement, the entire rest of the world can blow raspberries at the pope for all the good it'll do them.

"He agreed and now she's mad that she wasn't part of that decision."

If she believes she is missing out on something, then she can petition the person from whom she wants it. It's entirely up to her. Fussing serves zero purpose.

"As an ex, does she have a say in agreements and boundaries he and I establish?"

The rules of post-engagement are entirely up to the people for whom the "ex"ing has occurred. In this instance, if the boy broke up with the girl, then it's their business the details of the agreement.

For example, if they agreed that by "breaking up," she is allowed to micromanage his relationships, then if he violates that agreement, then it's between he and she.

If you find hat their post-ex agreements interfere in a substantive way with your own life, then you also have the right to make whatever demands you wish, and come to some agreement with the other person with whom you would demand.

"Was I wrong to exclude her?"

If you and she had an agreement to include her in decisions you make, then, yes, you broke that agreement. If there was no such agreement, then there is no crime.

This is a very interesting question. Thank you for bringing it up, it allows me and my partner to discuss and process something like this happening to us and to come to some boundaries and decisions in an interesting way.

So with our relationship, we have a pretty standing guideline that our individual relationships outside of our relationship, are our own business. Meaning, that if he gets together and breaks up with someone and has any interaction with others, that's his business- and only becomes my concern if it starts to hurt our relationship, or that person comes into our home.

I don't know what the circumstances are of the breakup in the first place, but maybe they would want to get back together, I don't know. I would only concern myself if the other party wants to come stay at MY house. If he chooses to stay with her overnight elsewhere, I don't see that as having a "say" in my relationship. My man is responsible for his own actions and if going back to an ex is something he wants to do, then he can do that. I don't think it really gives power to the ex, it more gives freedom to my partner to choose who he wants to be with and when.

But that's us and our style of relationship. :)

Good luck. (I read about 1/2 way through the threads, but it got pretty lengthy, if you feel like responding to me, feel free to e-mail.)
1 luv, trish