this will sound a bit backwards, but how do i have the poly conversation with the one that is actively in another relationship?
I have always known my partner of four years believed in the possibility of polyamorus relationships. However her first poly relationship only started about 5 months ago. Unfortunately this relationship started without my knowledge, and so we have already gotten off on the wrong foot. It is true that i have been more hesitant about polyamory, but have taken alot of time to find out what my insecurities are and deal with them. I have also spent some time on forums such as this, and i need everyone to know that the knowledge and support i have found in this community is wonderful. As you all know, this is not always a conversation you have with your mother over lunch!
I tried to have a conversation early about parameters or what each of us want, but she just wanted to be free to do whatever and that i should trust her that she would have my best interests at heart. She hasn't really talked about it since. So how do you bring up these conversations about poly and what it means for us and what each of us needs? So far every time i have tried, she believes that i am jeleous, or do not like the other person. But all i am trying to do is have a open conversation about poly.
I have already felt distance start between us and i don't want this to go on until it is too late.
I have always known my partner of four years believed in the possibility of polyamorus relationships. However her first poly relationship only started about 5 months ago. Unfortunately this relationship started without my knowledge, and so we have already gotten off on the wrong foot. It is true that i have been more hesitant about polyamory, but have taken alot of time to find out what my insecurities are and deal with them. I have also spent some time on forums such as this, and i need everyone to know that the knowledge and support i have found in this community is wonderful. As you all know, this is not always a conversation you have with your mother over lunch!
I tried to have a conversation early about parameters or what each of us want, but she just wanted to be free to do whatever and that i should trust her that she would have my best interests at heart. She hasn't really talked about it since. So how do you bring up these conversations about poly and what it means for us and what each of us needs? So far every time i have tried, she believes that i am jeleous, or do not like the other person. But all i am trying to do is have a open conversation about poly.
I have already felt distance start between us and i don't want this to go on until it is too late.
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Re: how do i have the poly converstion........
Thu, April 17, 2008 - 9:41 AMShe began another relationship without telling you, correct? Trust, open communication & honesty are all, in my opinion, cornerstones in successful poly lifestyle relationships. I am curious as to how she voiced that she would have your best interests at heart... Did she say "trust me baby" or something akin to that? Was it more of a "don't ask, don't tell" conversation?
You might want to start the next conversation with something along the lines of: "I want to say that I have been dealing with my insecurities regarding polyamory, and I think I have met most of the challenges such a rich life brings forth. However, I would like to discuss with you what I feel is your lack of communication to me regarding your other play partner. This is not about jealousy, this is about open lines of discourse, honesty, and our desire to support each other in our wants and needs. You start..."
Okay, so that was wordy, sort of non-emotional, and maybe even a bit too geeky. But, it probably addressed most of the issues you want to touch on without being confrontational, dramatic, or accusatory. Do you know the limits of their relationship? Are they practicing safer sex? What does she want for you? Is this a two-way street?
Finding out where you stand will make where you want to go with this a lot easier. I wish you the best of luck! -
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Re: how do i have the poly converstion........
Thu, April 17, 2008 - 1:42 PMI agree with what Beorn has said, and want to add one thing.
One of the most critical things, whether your relationships are poly or monogamous, is to know your own boundaries, and to stand up for them. It sounds to me like you have been discovering some of those boundaries, and did not know what they were before. It also sounds like you knew quite clearly what some of them were, but failed to stand up for them. You just allowed her to have her way.
Compromise can be important in a relationship, but will be death to the relationship if you compromise your personal boundaries.
If you and your partner cannot play within each other's boundaries, then...well...it probably won't make much of a long-term relationship. If one person is always going "out of bounds" during the game...the game is extremely frustrating to the other player.
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Re: how do i have the poly converstion........
Thu, April 17, 2008 - 6:49 PMInvite everybody over for a big dinner and assume everyone you invite is already fucking each other.
Dump people who lie to you.
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Unsu...
Re: how do i have the poly converstion........
Thu, April 17, 2008 - 6:54 PMI have to say I agree--starting a relationship without telling you, then not being willing to talk about it or consider your needs--this does not sound like a good situation to me. How do you start the conversation--just start it--but if it were me I don't know if I'd believe what was said; she's kept the truth from you in the past, she might just tell you whatever you need to hear now. It happens. If she won't talk about it at all, you have your answer. -
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Re: how do i have the poly converstion........
Thu, April 24, 2008 - 9:07 AMyep gonna agree here as well...Dump em... I have little or no patience for liars, cheats or thieves. Seems to me she has broken at least 2 of them since she could not be honest during the process of starting the relationship.
It does not sound to me like you are jealous sounds more like she is dishonest and trying to place the obligation and load on you.
Best of luck
JSin
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Re: how do i have the poly converstion........
Sun, April 27, 2008 - 7:43 AM"Invite everybody over for a big dinner and assume everyone you invite is already fucking each other.
Dump people who lie to you. "
I think from now on this is how I'm going to deal with all of my interpersonal interactions.
*smirk*
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Re: how do i have the poly converstion........
Fri, April 25, 2008 - 6:55 PMI can't reconcile trusting that she has your best interests at heart with starting a relationship behind your back. Those two things seem 100% mutually exclusive.
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Re: how do i have the poly converstion........
Mon, April 28, 2008 - 3:00 PMThis isn't being poly. This is cheating. I'm sorry you are on the other side of it. Good luck hun.
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Re: how do i have the poly converstion........
Mon, April 28, 2008 - 3:13 PM"...she just wanted to be free to do whatever and that i should trust her that she would have my best interests at heart."
How can you trust someone when they've just cheated on you? This is far from the tenants of being a responsible slut or being in a caring relationship. This may even be carried on to other potentially life changing issues, such as safer sex.
If she's unwilling to communicate, I don't see much point in continuing a relationship that isn't based on it and trust.
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Re: how do i have the poly converstion........
Mon, May 5, 2008 - 11:46 PMThis girl doesn't seem like she's mature, honest or open enough to have a healthy poly relationship. If the previous 10 posts weren't enough, I'm casting my vote in for dumping as well. This is not a girl who will help you to grow.
