My partner and I help put on these incredible burlesque show/play parties where we live. They're sweet and funny and sexy and wonderful. The only time I ever have any difficulty is when he goes off and has a moment with a stranger.
I love sharing my man, I love being shared. I have great boundaries when it comes to owning my own shortcomings as far as insecurity is concerned. If I feel nervous and edgy when I find him making out with some super hot girl, I take myself off and deal with it, sometimes alone, sometimes with a close friend (luckily, there are plenty to be had at these events). Eventually, he and I get together and process really well, then snuggle and sleep or clean up.
I know its basically a self-esteem issue. I can tell the difference between paranoia and legitimate cautiousness. But where I get spun out is when I start to wonder if there really is something about whoever this woman is that wakes up a distrust in her intentions. I have been right, 9/10ths of the time, when I sense something just off about a woman. But I want so badly for him to make his own choices and mistakes without me restricting his life overly much, ya know?
Part of the problem is that I don't necessarily trust straight girls. It's awful that I'm like that. I know that I shouldn't single people out in this way, we are who we are and should have a certain amount of basic respect for each other, especially in such a delicate balance as a play party. I trust my guy, but I dont necessarily like his taste in women very often. They are sometimes manipulative and sneaky and selfish.
When he plays with someone I am friends with, I love to see it happen, even when it has nothing to do with me. I love to "hold space", even from the doorway. I take great joy in this life we've chosen together, and have no regrets. But this one thing just keeps tripping me up, and I don NOT want to restrict his activities at all. I would just write this experience off as being another one of those challenges that keeps me growing, but I'm pretty sure they'll start dating now, so it's not really over for me.
Any advice?
I love sharing my man, I love being shared. I have great boundaries when it comes to owning my own shortcomings as far as insecurity is concerned. If I feel nervous and edgy when I find him making out with some super hot girl, I take myself off and deal with it, sometimes alone, sometimes with a close friend (luckily, there are plenty to be had at these events). Eventually, he and I get together and process really well, then snuggle and sleep or clean up.
I know its basically a self-esteem issue. I can tell the difference between paranoia and legitimate cautiousness. But where I get spun out is when I start to wonder if there really is something about whoever this woman is that wakes up a distrust in her intentions. I have been right, 9/10ths of the time, when I sense something just off about a woman. But I want so badly for him to make his own choices and mistakes without me restricting his life overly much, ya know?
Part of the problem is that I don't necessarily trust straight girls. It's awful that I'm like that. I know that I shouldn't single people out in this way, we are who we are and should have a certain amount of basic respect for each other, especially in such a delicate balance as a play party. I trust my guy, but I dont necessarily like his taste in women very often. They are sometimes manipulative and sneaky and selfish.
When he plays with someone I am friends with, I love to see it happen, even when it has nothing to do with me. I love to "hold space", even from the doorway. I take great joy in this life we've chosen together, and have no regrets. But this one thing just keeps tripping me up, and I don NOT want to restrict his activities at all. I would just write this experience off as being another one of those challenges that keeps me growing, but I'm pretty sure they'll start dating now, so it's not really over for me.
Any advice?
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California
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Re: partner with someone you don't know
Tue, May 13, 2008 - 12:36 PMMy only advice would be is you should feel a lot less threatened by "play" partners and maybe not take them so seriously. Being that these are public events and public making out, rather than forming long term relationships with these women, I wouldn't be as concerned about their trustworthiness. Someone doesn't have to be trustworthy to make-out with, trust becomes more of a factor as a relationship evolves, which it sounds like isn't happening.
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Unsu...
Re: partner with someone you don't know
Tue, May 13, 2008 - 1:50 PMIt sounds like there is a particular (straight) woman that your partner is developing a relationship with, that you're worried about and don't trust?
I know people have different views on this, but I am a mostly straight woman who believes in befriending the guy's primary partner and having as good a relationship as possible, including a sexual relationship if there's an attraction. I don't like competition or jealousy, and for me the best way to defuse that whole scenario is for us all to make friends. You point out that you have problems with strangers and not with friends, and that's totally understandable. Have you tried to befriend this other woman? You are suspicious of her, but have you tried to confirm or dispel that feeling by getting to know her better? And if she's competitive or jealous or doesn't like you or whatever, well, either your partner is committed to you and won't let his time with her harm your relationship, or you have some issues to work out with him.
Don't distrust a woman just because she's straight, unless you have other evidence that there's a problem. If she's new to polyamory, maybe she just needs some help figuring out how to make it work. -
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Re: partner with someone you don't know
Tue, May 13, 2008 - 3:15 PMI say stop beating your head against the wall about whether or not you trust the girls and build trust in your partnership with your husband.
What those girls may do is an unknown quality and that can cause even the most veteran Poly person some anxiety. But you can alleviate some of that anxiety by having a strong foundation with your hubby. So that if/when one of those girls stirs up shit and tries to steal your man you can laugh in her face.
I don't like coming around a corner at a party and surprising my husband necking with someone. So I've asked that he hold off for just long enough to come find me and tell me what he'll be doing and where before things get hot and heavy. Maybe you could make a similar agreement with your husband? -
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Re: partner with someone you don't know
Wed, May 21, 2008 - 12:23 PMThanks for all your comments; sorry it took so long to say that.
I gave it some thought and decided that, even if I wish I could force everything to turn out wonderful, I'm being silly to latch on to that. Life is so much better when I take it as it comes. I guess I get self-conscious and embarrassed when I'm insecure, but, all-in-all, I think I handled my insecurities really well, and at least I have that.
They are going on a date next week, and I'm actually looking forward to some alone time; either that, or a nice date for myself. If the shit hits the fan at some point down the road, I have to trust that I'll be okay. -
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Re: partner with someone you don't know
Sat, May 24, 2008 - 8:36 AMI just wanted to update that my hubby went out on his first date last night with the girl I was nervous about, and I had so much fun alone! I watched movies with my son and got to sprawl all over the bed, and I slept like the dead. I forgot how much I've been missing that time alone when he goes out, because it had been so long.
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Re: partner with someone you don't know
Wed, May 14, 2008 - 12:01 PMI'm not sure how much advice I can give, but I can say I know *exactly* how you feel. I'm a queer woman, whose partner is a straight male whose general taste in women runs toward "too straight" for me. For me, the real issue is that I like to feel connected to anyone my partners are involved with, and I have more trouble connecting to women that read as straight. Getting to know someone really is the best way to develop trust. Try finding some things you have in common with anyone he's involved with.
The other suggestion I have, if you're worried about you partner getting hurt from these women, is to talk to him some about what attracts him, what might make him consider a relationship vs. just making out, and what sorts of boundaries he might set in other relationships. There's a difference between being controlling and helping him to decide what sorts of people he wants to be involved with. Just be sure that he's making the decisions, and that you're not pressuring him into making the decisions YOU think are right!
Good luck!
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Unsu...
Re: partner with someone you don't know
Wed, May 14, 2008 - 12:12 PMAlso of course you should talk to your partner directly about how you're feeling e.g. "When I see you making out with X it bothers me and I'm trying to figure out why." If you can have a neutral discussion about it you might both learn something that will help in the future--
