Sorry, I have to disagree with you. Unless you explicitly negotiated and communicated that as a part of the "timesharing" agreement, I don't see why you would be entitled to expect that...

When I lived in an MFM V (a V because the other guy was straight) we all three slept in the same (queen sized!) bed, one of us on either side of her. We didn't do any kind of time sharing, but we did have a rule that anyone who wanted to sleep was entitled to kick non-sleepy people out of bed.

But ultimately the rules of your relationship are whatever the three of you agree on. Not what you assume.

Well, when I lived in a quad, we had a SLEEP schedule. While because we had kids yeah, effectively we tended to have sex with the partner we were sleeping with that night, it had been made explicitly clear that it was not a SEX schedule.

This is not about respect, nor is it personal. It sounds to me like you'd enjoy more sex and more.... quality time where things are relaxed. It's okay to ask for that.

Why can't you snuggle up to her on the other side of the sofa? Just wondering...

Hmmm, for me the problem wouldn't be that she IS having sex with the other partner earlier that day but that because of that she is not willing to have sex with you later that day. I, too, would get cranky if my partner spent "my" days curled up on the sofa with the other partner. I would feel very neglected.
It is, however, true that this needs to be communicated. Tell her not just that you are upset about her sleeping with him on your day, but explain why in detail. Let her know where you are coming from emotionally and suggest an agreement that both of you can live with. If she thinks that you asking for quality time with just her is manipulative then there may be other problems that need to be addressed.

I too am concerned that there is a deeper issue at work here. Poly is all about communicating and it sounds as if you are not all on the same page right now. My vote would be for a conversation between the three of you at a time when you are all feeling open and relaxed. That is, a time when no one has to be anywhere and no one is particularly stressed out with life in general. My hope for you is that once you all get everything out there, you will find a natural solution that will make for a happy situation for all of you. I don't think it's necessarily about any one solution being right or wrong. I think the only question is - what will work the best for all of you.

I wish you all the best!

Regards,
Jenny Block
Author of "Open: Love, Sex, and Life in an Open Marriage"

www.jennyonthepage.com

In general:
- Assume nothing. No one else knows what things look like from your viewpoint, and certainly don't know your feelings or interpretation unless you share them.
- Know yourself. If you want something or know you are going to want something, state exactly what it is you need and why.
- Own your part in the relationship. If you are not happy with the relationship, figure out what you would need to be happy. If the other parties are unable or unwilling to work with your needs, that might not be the right relationship for you.

For us, I know with what frequency I will want "personal attention" and tell her ahead of time to expect to be dragged off to the bedroom. I don't really care what she does with him after I go to work, as long as my needs are met when I'm there.

"For the longest time I was under the impression that the schedule also referred to who she was actually fucking that day."

You agreed to a day-long exclusive date-time?

"My perspective is this. It's a respect thing. I do not have sex with her on 'his days' because I respect that those are in fact 'his days'. To me, having sex with her on a day that is supposed to be dedicated to him and their relationship is just wrong and disrespectful and perhaps a bit spiteful. "

Well, you certainly can choose to not have sex with your girlfriend for any reason whatsoever. However, note that if the three of you did not explicitly make such an agreement, your decision is based entirely on a fantasy in your own head. In other words, it has as much bearing on reality as if you might have said "I don't have sex with her on Thursdays because the Shih Tzu commanded it."

That aside, you might want to take a hard look at the part of your brain that associates having sex with your girlfriend as somehow wrong or disrespectful or spiteful. I'm not gonna SAY that sounds like a fucked up bit of cause-and-effect, but, um, well, just imagine a long, blank look. Sex is good, right? Love is good, right? Pleasure is good, right? What the fuck does "spite" have to do with any of that?!

"She also claims this is just me being manipulative and trying to control who-with and when she has sex."

Well, she's right. You ARE. You're suggesting that she not have sex with anyone else on a day you have a date with her -- even if you're not home (um, does it "spoil" her or something?). And you're doing so in a passive-aggressive way by restricting YOURSELF from having sex with her on other people's dates, and then suggesting you deserve the same treatment.

That would be the smell of emotional blackmail. She's nailed you, guy, and it's time to suck it up and admit it and DO THINGS DIFFERENTLY.

As far as not actually getting sex when you want it, that is a completely different issue. It doesn't matter WHY, just focus on asking for what you WANT.

Directly.

If it's a small house, then go out on a date somewhere. Arrange for that private time.

If you step up and ask for something that you want and someone is not willing or able to give it to you, then that person just may not be the right person for you.

Note carefully what you are asking for, too. Be sure to ask for WHAT YOU WANT -- not what you think will get you what you want. Here's an example: If you want more sex, ask for more sex. Simple. If you want more sex and you ask someone to stop working or stop playing with their kid or stop doing something else that you THINK is taking all their time up, all that's gonna do is piss them off.

This is not rocket science. 8)

I agree with those who said, in one way or another, that you have been working on some unshared "rules" and self defeating illogic.

AND...

I also want to acknowledge that you are hurting and frustrated, and I think most of us have felt the kind of pain you are feeling at one point or another. Namaste, brother.

You're needs are important. Understand them yourself, make them known, and find a way to have them fulfilled...if not in your current relationship's, with your future ones.

Well, Bacchus, you've probably noticed that there are lots of people here who are not afraid to call others on their bullshit.

You do indeed have a conundrum, but I'm not at all sure it's about sex or even schedules.

I'm the F in a MFM V, and the ONLY reason my relationships work is because each man totally supports me in the other relationship. Each man knows and sees what the other man gives me, how he makes me happy, and treats me well. Each man has his own room and I go back and forth, yes, on a schedule, but we are flexible within that according to, (I hate to admit it) my needs, mostly. Or my guaging of each man's or each relationship's needs. Some days it feels like a pretty heavy burden, acutally, where I can actually wish I could split myself in half. But I digress....

Throughout this thread I have heard you say nothing good about your co-partner (that is, the other guy). He smells funny, he's needy, he takes up her time, they gang up on you... is there ANY reason why, beyond mere tolerance of him, you are even in this relationship?

If you can't think of anything, it's time to move on. Competing with him to get your needs met will only end up driving you deeper into the hole you are already in. Using language like "stealing" and "sneaking" speaks to a lack of acceptance of the facts of this relationship. I'm not the one that has to listen to me make love across the hall, and I appreciate that for some that may be a HUGE hurdle to get over, but truly, acceptance of "them" as an entity requires that you recognize that they have sex and allow for it, not compete for it or sneak around it. That has to go both ways, and I agree totally with what others say here, that being "outvoted" or ganged up on is hugely damaging. I feel for you in that regard.

I once read a poly article which said that the two determinants of a lasting relationship are (1) holding in sight the value of staying together and (2) how you treat each other. Even if you and your copartner are not sexually involved, he is still part of this picture for you.

You have choices. Use them. Love and respect yourself first. You deserve better than martyrdom. If you can't see the good here, go find good elsewhere. Peace.