In one of Jenni’s posts she listed rules to her poly relationship, they were; 1. no extramarital children, 2. our marriage comes first 3. we need to communicate openly and honestly about our feelings, whereabouts, plans, and be sensitive to one another's needs. 4. (and this one came after we had our first experience through my first boyfriend), we need to not see the other person if we are having complications or fights..
In the creation of my current relationship with my beautiful Glenda we agreed to basically no special rules/boundaries. This has really simplified our relationship to one of accepting what the other has to offer, who they are now and being joyful for the time spent together.
Now when I say no rules I’m talking about special boundaries beyond what we considered automatic relationship stuff like: being kind, supportive, respectful, safe sex practices with all partners…stuff like that.
What are your special/unique rules that you have in your relationships?
In the creation of my current relationship with my beautiful Glenda we agreed to basically no special rules/boundaries. This has really simplified our relationship to one of accepting what the other has to offer, who they are now and being joyful for the time spent together.
Now when I say no rules I’m talking about special boundaries beyond what we considered automatic relationship stuff like: being kind, supportive, respectful, safe sex practices with all partners…stuff like that.
What are your special/unique rules that you have in your relationships?
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Re: Relationship Rules
Thu, May 29, 2008 - 10:47 AMRule #1: No New Microbes!
Rule #2: If your relationship status changes tell me as soon as you can. If you take a new lover tell me. If you lose a lover tell me. If you decide to fluid bond with a new lover TELL ME!
Really that's about it for rules. If one of my partners has a serious concern we discuss it and I'll more likely than not concede to their wishes, but not always. I don't want there to be rules stating how our relationship HAS to go and I learned not to make promises that might conflict with my own promise to myself to never turn away from love.
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Re: Relationship Rules
Thu, May 29, 2008 - 1:00 PMI agree that having lots of rules isn't the way to go. While rules can help assuage one partner's jealousy or other issues, it really is just a crutch. From time to time my wife or I feel the urge to ask for a new rule, but 99% of the time we end up realizing that that really just means there's an issue to be worked on, and once we work on it, there's no more need for the new rule.
That said, our rule is that our marriage has to always come first. But unlike some in that situation we don't do elaborate scheduling rules or such.
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Re: Relationship Rules
Thu, May 29, 2008 - 3:53 PMMy only rule for "serious" relationships is "tell me what you're up to". I want to be informed, but I have no desire to make restrictions. In the case of casual partners, I don't even expect them to keep me informed about what they're up to.
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Unsu...
Re: Relationship Rules
Thu, May 29, 2008 - 5:33 PMMy only rule besides basic safety is that I want to know everything. People have different tastes on this issue but the more I know, the more I trust my partners and the less jealousy I feel, whereas keeping things hidden or private has the opposite effect. I try to warn my partners that I'm the want-to-know-everything type.
Also--I guess this isn't really a rule but if it's someone I'm used to seeing or talking to every day, and they go off for like a week with someone else, I want to keep in touch during the week. Again communication = trust = less jealousy, more fun for everyone. -
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Re: Relationship Rules
Thu, May 29, 2008 - 9:16 PMThat sums it up for me too. There is no such thing as too much communication. -
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Re: Relationship Rules
Thu, May 29, 2008 - 9:29 PM"There is no such thing as too much communication."
Ever sat through four hours of "communication" that was one soon-to-be-ex-partner simply wheedling and whining, staying up way, way, way late on a school night, only to realize that you were simply being browbeaten through exhaustion?
I assure you, there can be such a thing as "too much communication."
But then, I've been experimenting lately with a sort of salesman trick: Once you get to "yes" shut the fuck up.
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Re: Relationship Rules
Fri, May 30, 2008 - 4:56 AM"Ever sat through four hours of "communication" that was one soon-to-be-ex-partner simply wheedling and whining, staying up way, way, way late on a school night, only to realize that you were simply being browbeaten through exhaustion?
Sweet Mother of God, yes.
I'll defend the OP slightly, though. I don't think that manipulation techniques and actual communication are the same thing. *grin* I don't even think that REAL communication is all that time consuming. -
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Re: Relationship Rules
Fri, May 30, 2008 - 6:18 AMOf course there is much verbal communicating that is not transactional or productive. I am talking about real communication that is transactional and produces some sort of result. Really good communication takes almost no time at all.
There are definite rules for good communication and there are very fine books dedicated to describing what it is such as Nonviolent Communication among others. -
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Re: Relationship Rules
Fri, May 30, 2008 - 10:14 PM"I am talking about real communication that is transactional and produces some sort of result. Really good communication takes almost no time at all."
Then DEFINITELY you can have too much of it. No matter how great it is, "communication" is like a business meeting. You've got a basic period of time during which you get shit done effectively.
After that, you're wasting valuable Watching Dr. Who time.
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Unsu...
Re: Relationship Rules
Fri, May 30, 2008 - 6:09 AMMy favorite is when someone wants to yell at me and insult me, then I walk away, and they go "hey, you're not communicating!" :) Sigh.
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Re: Relationship Rules
Thu, May 29, 2008 - 9:26 PMI suspect any "rule" unless the secret thing it will fail to protect is out in the open.
I suspect doubly any rule that is a negation (thou shalt NOT...)
After many years, my current working rule (which is usually completely predictable) is:
Be.
The rest is fluff, junk, manipulation, control, or a setup. It's a working theory, but it seems to have resulted in me being a lot happier. -
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Re: Relationship Rules
Thu, May 29, 2008 - 10:36 PMIt is interesting to read this and think that everyone here is probably at different "stages" or places in their lives as far as poly goes. I would like to share that I think as time progresses and people are able figure things out and how they work for them, that "rules" do become a lot more fluid if you will. Comfort levels become better, and with the more experience with everything, maybe the less "rules" people really need, or need to label them as such. I wanted to share that my husband and I have been monogamous (except for a sexual experience we had with a mutual friend four years ago) for the last ten years, so this is brand new territory for us. I am also not sure that this is a way that I will choose to live my life forever. The bottom line for me and my husband (after a long and great discussion tonight) is that our marriage does come first and that we have a level of committment with one another. By the way, things are going much better for me, so thanks to all who gave great advice on other posts, it is much appreciated. I just find it interesting, as we are all probably at different points in our lives with our wants and desires as well. -
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Re: Relationship Rules
Fri, May 30, 2008 - 12:06 PMI would actually have to disagree, or rather provide a contradicting example, though I am sure that your hypothesis is true for many poly people. I was raised poly and have been practicing polyamorous relationships for twelve years now. I started out with no rules whatsoever. That didn't work. Without a few basic rules there was not enough communication and no boundaries and the relationships disintegrated. So I added rules that I'd heard other people use. That didn't work either. Now there were too MANY rules and it didn't allow for enough flexibility and the relationships stagnated and became resentful. OK, so I sat down and thought about what were things that I absolutely needed in order to trust a partner and feel comfortable in my relationships? I needed an assurance that they were protecting themselves from disease (or to at least know if they are not) and I needed to know who else they were sleeping with. Without those two pieces of information I cannot accurately assess my own health risks and I do not have enough information to feel like I'm actually in a relationship rather than just randomly hooking up with this person for sex. So my poly progression has been from no rules, to a handful of rules, to two rules. So I don't think there is necessarily a linear progression from lots of rules to no rules, though many poly folk started out mono, which by its very nature has more rules, so I imagine the beginning of their transition must by necessity involve shedding rules that don't work with polyamory.
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Re: Relationship Rules
Fri, May 30, 2008 - 2:55 PMJenni...I hope you don't mind I qouted you...your comments just got me to thinking. I guess I should have asked you first. Cheers -
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Re: Relationship Rules
Fri, May 30, 2008 - 8:09 PMNo I don't mind at all. Glad to help spark conversation!
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Re: Relationship Rules
Sat, May 31, 2008 - 4:42 AM"I suspect any "rule" unless the secret thing it will fail to protect is out in the open."
Ah-ha. I'm going to remember this. Thanks!
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Re: Relationship Rules
Fri, May 30, 2008 - 12:58 AMI have one relationship rule: all that time spent thinking about rules is time *not* spent thinking about dates.
In other words: waste of good loving time.
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Re: Relationship Rules
Fri, May 30, 2008 - 11:42 AMMy wife and I have one rule left, use condoms with other partners. When we first dove into poly, we had a couple others to help minimize jealousy and to make us feel more comfortable adjusting to the change in our lifestyle, but those faded away over the years. The need to communicate openly and honestly is a given and doesn't need to be a rule or agreement. With my other relationships, there generally aren't rules, more like basic understandings that are verbalized fairly early on.
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Re: Relationship Rules
Fri, May 30, 2008 - 4:35 PMCommunicate honestly. That really is our only steadfast rule. Things change and we try our best to be flexible. But talking to one another openly is non-negotiable.
Best,
Jenny Block
Author of "Open: Love, Sex, and Life in an Open Marriage"
www.jennyonthepage.com
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Re: Relationship Rules
Fri, May 30, 2008 - 9:28 PMMy primary partner and I actually have a contract, ie a whole bunch of rules, but I think they basically break down to:
1. Keep me notified about your relationships.
2. Safer sex, please!
3. Reassurances about our importance to each other, and agreements that we will try really, really hard not to hurt each other.
4. Don't go to bed mad.
5. You do your part of the chores and $$, I'll do mine.
Yep. Pretty much. -
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Re: Relationship Rules
Fri, May 30, 2008 - 10:16 PM"a whole bunch of rules, but I think they basically break down to..."
So, if they all break down to a simpler set, why not use the simpler set?
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Re: Relationship Rules
Tue, June 3, 2008 - 3:20 AMMy GF and I recently introduced rules to our poly relationship, as the relationship is new, but has become serious quite quickly. As a result we are not entirely sure fo eachothers' boundaries, needs etc, which can lead to insecurity on either part. I think that, as we grow to understand these things better the need for rules may be reduced, but who knows!? Has anyone else been in this situation? (i.e. felt a need for rules which then goes/changes)
The current rules are:
* If we’re going to be in a situation which could become sexual we tell each other, and if the other has a problem with it, we discuss it
* If we’re seeing someone and it feels like an emotional attachment may develop, we tell each other, and we arrange to meet the other person when it is appropriate
* If we're out and we kiss someone, we tell each other the next day (if they were very hot, we’re also allowed to boast about it...!)
* If, at any point, we feel that the rules are not working for us, we talk about it
I wrote a long blog entry on this topic at the time which some of you may find interesting:
polyamorist.blogspot.com/2008/...s.html -
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Re: Relationship Rules
Tue, June 3, 2008 - 4:34 PMi'm what i guess would be called a single poly, in that i live just with my kids.
-i follow safe sex rules
-we notify each other if we can't get together as planned, so we can make other plans
-if seeing another person cuts into the time we have, we tell each other
(i see people only 1/2 the week as i have my children the other 1/2, and that is our family time)
that is great that everyone has boundaries and seems to be able to change them as needed.
xo
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