I am still pretty new to polyamory, and I am not certain that it is a lifestyle that I would like to live the rest of my life. That is way too hard to tell at this point. I have been in monogamous relationships all of my life up until 5 months ago. My husband and I mutually decided in January to open our marriage. There are definitely benefits to being poly, and in some aspects, it seems to have strenghthened and enriched our relationship. We both feel that we don't take the other for granted as much, and appreciate our time that we have together. In other aspects, it seems like it just makes everthing a lot more complicated. I am really trying to focus on the positive aspects it brings to our marriage, however, sometimes it is really easy for me to get caught up in negative thinking about the whole situation. Any thoughts?
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Re: Is polyamory more complicated?
Sat, May 17, 2008 - 4:01 PMIt is as complex or as simple as you make it.
Lots of people talk about pain and drama and difficulty as if it is some damn' badge!
Me? I say that if how you live brings you joy, that's how you should live. If it doesn't you're making a mistake.
I find no joy in drama and difficulty and don't choose to have it in my life, and I am most certainly poly. -
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Re: Is polyamory more complicated?
Sat, May 17, 2008 - 6:07 PM"Lots of people talk about pain and drama and difficulty as if it is some damn' badge!"
Yep, I know too many folks who identify and self-value by their chosen victimhood.
By that method of reckoning, babies are valueless. Unless they're victimized, of course.
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Re: Is polyamory more complicated?
Sat, May 17, 2008 - 6:06 PMIt might sound woo-woo, but it's pretty much like anything else you might decide. That is, once you decide you are aligning your life in a certain way, you realize that where it veers from your usual path, there will be resistance.
This is just like a new habit, only in this case, you're ditching sexual exclusivity. It's like quitting smoking. Sure, it can seem hard or impossible at times, because you've already built your life around it.
I happen to find living a life that doesn't include the extra shit of a strap-on sexual exclusivity paradigm actually much more relaxing and freeing.
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Unsu...
Re: Is polyamory more complicated?
Sat, May 17, 2008 - 6:53 PMSure it's more complicated--e.g. negotiating a relationship with two people is exponentially more complicated than with one--but I sort of like that. People are complicated, and intimate relationships are complicated, but people and intimacy are also both pretty cool. Monogamy is simpler but has at least as much potential to generate unpleasant drama as polyamory. -
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Re: Is polyamory more complicated?
Sat, May 17, 2008 - 7:26 PMabsolutely, i agree with you ladylily, in that both have the potential for drama. but not everybody is ready for the kind of lifestyle, especially if they feel like it is rushed or forced. i would definitely reccomend talking to your husband, if he reacts negatively to your concerns that is a red flag for the future. maybe you could discuss having a solution for if someone does get too jealous or scared, and the other person will take a break from their other relationships, or whatever, the key here is to always re-evaluate.
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Re: Is polyamory more complicated?
Sat, May 17, 2008 - 8:16 PMI think it's more complicated simply because there are more people involved, like in any other activity. It's more complicated to have a business with 50 employees than with 5. It's more complicated to raise children when there are 4 of them than when there is 1. It's more complicated to manage a church with 300 members than a prayer circle of 8. Etc. Does that mean you shouldn't expand your business, have more children, or add to your congregation? Some people decide so, of course, and some people want the benefits - and enjoy the complications - of adding more people. For me, polyamory might be more *complicated*, but it's also more rewarding, more vibrant, and most importantly, more *me*, which I wouldn't trade for any amount of simplicity.
That aside, polyamory can also be more or less complicated depending on how you go about it. Having clear, honest communication habits; specific and upfront but flexible expectations; a commitment to the concept of polyamory; a willingness to self-explore; and having a self- and other- forgiving, lighthearted nature go a long way to de-complicating polyamory. -
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Re: Is polyamory more complicated?
Sat, May 17, 2008 - 9:22 PM"That aside, polyamory can also be more or less complicated depending on how you go about it. Having clear, honest communication habits; specific and upfront but flexible expectations; a commitment to the concept of polyamory; a willingness to self-explore; and having a self- and other- forgiving, lighthearted nature go a long way to de-complicating polyamory."
I really liked this, Issa.
-K
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Re: Is polyamory more complicated?
Sun, May 18, 2008 - 12:37 AM"That aside, polyamory can also be more or less complicated depending on how you go about it. "
Yep. I recommend against living your life in a way that is complicated, when a less complicated option is more readily available.
Like Noel said, there is a tendency to somehow "value" living a life that can be demonstrated as "complicated."
That "if it's complicated, it's somehow valuable" thing is a real bitch to ditch, but on the plus side, usually, all it takes is one counterexample. One person saying "Well, no, not really. Actually, it's a lot simpler." kinda makes claims to the contrary look a little shrill. 8)
I've yet to run across one single problem that's "complicated." But I've seen a lot of people who get real upset when you don't subscribe to their own issues and agree to their definitions of complicated.
But the fact is, for people who want, need, or value "complicated," no matter HOW they live their lives, they will find it "complicated." It has absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with who they're poking their binkies into.
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Re: Is polyamory more complicated?
Sun, May 18, 2008 - 12:39 AM"Having clear, honest communication habits; specific and upfront but flexible expectations; a commitment to the concept of polyamory; a willingness to self-explore; and having a self- and other- forgiving, lighthearted nature go a long way to de-complicating polyamory."
I think the first and the last are pretty good life skills in general.
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Re: Is polyamory more complicated?
Sun, May 18, 2008 - 4:35 AMI can't really know because I've never been monogamous but I look at some of the fights and stress and trying to cope when your partner can't meet all your needs and it seems to me monogamy is just as complicated, but in different ways.
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Re: Is polyamory more complicated?
Sun, May 18, 2008 - 5:30 AMhello
You're missing your sense of 'place', where you fit. This is behind your question I think. There are others who at different times came to this forum asking for advice in dealing with a new relationship dynamic, but I think have been unsatisfied.
Your question is particularly sensitive because you have a child in this relationship. I would be interested in others thoughts on this. -
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Re: Is polyamory more complicated?
Sun, May 18, 2008 - 6:19 AMI don't think that being a parent makes a difference in this.
I'm a mother, meeself.
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Re: Is polyamory more complicated?
Sun, May 18, 2008 - 9:48 AMIt can certainly make scheduling more complicated.
Other planning and creating goals is a little different and should take into account more views.
But not any more complicated than getting a group of friends to go out to dinner together.
As for other issues, depends on the people involved. Like Edward said, people will generally live as complicated a life as they wish. Now, there is an initial period where you need to figure out how you want to act due to the influences of your relationship, but it's really the same as initially starting a relationship with someone.
Personally, I've found it rather simple. -
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Re: Is polyamory more complicated?
Sun, May 18, 2008 - 9:55 AMI like to think of it as "complex" not "complicated". :)
It's certainly more complex but I do my best to go with the flow. I've been Poly for a long time and there have been times when it was downright chaotic but there have been other times when it's been complex yet harmonious like a fine wine. I never planned on being Poly for the rest of my life, it just happened to be what I was most comfortable with.
You may want to read this cute little book called 'The 4 Agreements' and that may help give you a more solid foundation from which to view things. It helped me immensely.
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Re: Is polyamory more complicated?
Sun, May 18, 2008 - 12:36 PMSteve writes "But not any more complicated than getting a group of friends to go out to dinner together."
Funny, that -- people who wouldn't think twice about scheduling nine jillion things don't think of that as "complicated", but the addition of binkie-mixin' somehow makes it "complicated."
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Re: Is polyamory more complicated?
Sun, May 18, 2008 - 6:07 PMI tend to agree with Jezebel's choice of 'complex' over 'complicated'. Life in general is as complicated as you choose to make it. Add in more variables and naturally it becomes more complex and difficult to handle.
A few years ago I was trapped in a bad marriage. I made choices that ended that marriage and set me on a happier, if more complex, path. I'm now happily polyamorous with a wonderful fiancé and girlfriend. Someday I'll find a lovely boyfriend as well, but other facets of my life have priority right now.
Are there benefits to being polyamorous? Most definitely. Is it more complex? Yes, because having more than one partner naturally increases the complexity of the relationship. Is it worth the sacrifices you have to make in order to open up your relationship? I feel it does, but your mileage may vary. Just keep the 'open, honest communication' flowing and life will be much sweeter for all concerned. -
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Re: Is polyamory more complicated?
Sun, May 18, 2008 - 9:41 PMI guess that my thoughts on the more complicated have to deal with how you deal with things when they are not going well. My husband and I are very hot headed /hot and cold people from time to time. Just to give a brief history, our last two years of marriage have been a hell of a lot rougher than they ever have been before, and I think a lot of it has to do with adjusting to life with a child. I went through post partum depression and a lot of hurful things were said and done in that time period between the two of us. We ended up in marriage counseling, and it helped us tremendously. We were able to view things from a more practical non emotional stand point. Anyway, my point is that I am really struggling, as every time we argue lately, my husband brings up eveything from the past and wants to rehash it. I try to tell him that this is not helpful to our situation, but he says that he is sick and tired of it all and that it is going to take him a lot more of my positive energy for him to get over it all and he cannot just easily forgive me. My largeset fear lately is that I see him getting caught up in another relationship and viewing ours as negative, and him abondoning ship a lot sooner now that he is involved in this other relationship than he would have if it was just the two of us. I tried to talk to him about this tonight, and it did not go over well. We ended up in an argument and he left and we are upset with one another now. I am not sure how to treat other relationships when we argue like this. To me, our marriage comes first, and if we are fighting, I want to resolve this, or at least come to a peaceful stance with one anther before he goes to hang out with his other partner. His solution was that every time I fuck up, he is going to just get another night out of the house with his girlfriend. I don't think this is a healthy way to deal with the situation. Advice please... Sorry, so long winded. -
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Re: Is polyamory more complicated?
Mon, May 19, 2008 - 3:49 AMWhat in the world did you do for which you need to atone so much?
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Re: Is polyamory more complicated?
Mon, May 19, 2008 - 8:16 AMWhat do you mean? I am not sure I understand the question? -
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Re: Is polyamory more complicated?
Mon, May 19, 2008 - 9:20 AMWell he seems to be hell bent on 'punishing' you for everything that he considers has hurt him. So Nicole is asking what exactly he's punishing you about.
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Re: Is polyamory more complicated?
Mon, May 19, 2008 - 9:26 AMI think what you might referring to is what happened between us in the last couple of years. Well, there was a lot of name calling (between the two of us) Comments such as I want a separation or divorce, me saying "I hate you". This is what he is refering to. I did not cope well with arguments that we had, as my husband likes to serve ultimatums From my standpoint, he is an extremely manipulative individual and the type of person that can talk his way out of anything. I feel that at many times, I am enabler, and I let things slide easily,, and sometimes, I should hold my ground more, however, when I do that, he throws everyting back in my face that I have ever done wrong. We also had an incidy,ent where we became physical with each other. in the past as well. I kicked him in the balls and he held me up an stranggle me for a couple of minutes, where I could not get away. That is a sore spot for for the two of us still. he is in a new relationship, I think that he is looking back on all of the things that went wrong between us, and whenever something else goes wrong with us again, it all comes rushing back for him. Maybe it is time to call it quits. I have thougth that for a very long time. I have mentioned divorce before, but it is never a pleasant topic.I don't think that we were really ready to open up our marriage. He views it as an escpae from me, and I am not sure that he is willing to try as hard anymore. He told me last night that it is time for him to be selfish. I don't know, I am very emotional and confused right now. Maybe the way I acted can never warrant him to love me again. Through it all, however, we did have some very great times too. It it not that he is without fault in all of this, but every time I try to tell him something about what botthered me from the past or the present, he always has some kind of justifiication for why he did it, and he always ends up blaming me saying, well if you would not have been such a baby or such a bitch, then I would not act that way. We both have a lot of growing up to do in the department of arguing/communicating, but I am afraid now that we have opened things up, it is too late to get it back. We were discussing whether or not we should get a separation the other night, and I asked him that if this were to happen, if we could both stop seeing our other partners. (I have someone who is on again, off again right now) He told me there was no way in hell that he would do this, so this was upsetting to me. I guess I am really starting to feel that this is just a cop out of trying to make our relationship better, and a manipulation for him to be able to be with other people. I don't know, I am totally and utterly confused at this point in time. I am not sure if it is worth it to continue my marriage. I hate to see our marriage end because he finds that company of another more pleasurable. -
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Re: Is polyamory more complicated?
Mon, May 19, 2008 - 10:34 AMOw...
That's not a happy dynamic.
Why do you want to continue the marriage, other that a pride thing?
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Re: Is polyamory more complicated?
Mon, May 19, 2008 - 11:11 AMJenni, have you both been to any kind of therapy? It sounds like both of you have some forgiving to do and have some serious resentment toward each other....and I have seen time and time again how people will "open" up their marriage since the marriage has so many difficulties. then, when one starts seeing someone else (and sees how not difficult it is, and often blinded by NRE) it makes it clear how unhappy one is in the primary relationship.
Obviously you have a child together and will intend on raising that child together, but in order for it to be healthy for all of you I would highly seek a counselor to help you both communicate and be more present with each other (and when I say present, i mean not blaming/bringing up past hurtful talks and decisions and truly being in that moment).
Good luck, and take care of YOU!!!! :-)
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Re: Is polyamory more complicated?
Mon, May 19, 2008 - 11:13 AMI also want to say it's really strong of you to post something like this and be so honest. You are being heard and I hope things all work out for the best of all of you. (((jenni)))
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Unsu...
Re: Is polyamory more complicated?
Mon, May 19, 2008 - 5:19 PMOh Jeez, this is not good. Please take care of yourself, get a good therapist or counselor who can help you sort out your feelings. I think it's a good idea to get a marriage counselor too--even if you can't save the marriage, to help make the separation easier on both of you and on your child--that's what I did, and I am thankful every day that my ex-husband and I were always able to get along together in front of the kids and are even becoming friends again.
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Re: Is polyamory more complicated?
Mon, May 19, 2008 - 7:13 PMI'll have to withdraw my earlier comment...I made the mistake of not reading all the posts by Jenni.
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Re: Is polyamory more complicated?
Mon, May 19, 2008 - 9:45 AMJenni- You may want to consider some ground rules/agreements to your poly relationship, it can help in the early stages of transitioning a mono relationship to poly. It sounds like one issue you'd want to have an agreement on, since you say you're both hot-headed, is if you are fighting, you both agree to cool your jets and talk it out before running away to be with another partner. The way it works for me, is any big issue in a relationship takes precedence and I try to let all my partners know that. Be it with a primary or secondary partner, if shit is going down, I want to be there to work through it. I'm in a marriage that transitioned from mono to poly, the first year was pretty tough and complicated at times, however it really became a lot easier after that. Part of it was dealing with issues I think that had nothing to do with poly at the same time, which it sounds like may be the case for you as well. For us the level of openness and honesty that poly necessitated forced us to talk a lot more than we had been about core issues and strengthened our relationship. So yes, while poly can be more complicated than monogamy, on the flipside there is so much more it can add to your life.
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Re: Is polyamory more complicated?
Mon, May 19, 2008 - 3:08 PMOne of the many things that keeps life drama-free (relatively) for me is the attitude that my issues are not necessarily my partners problem...ie jealousy. At some point it can become an issue that needs to be dealt with for all involved but once a lifestyle is decided don't talk it to death...it seems to create drama as often as it fixes the problem.
Best of luck on your life adventure... -
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Re: Is polyamory more complicated?
Mon, May 19, 2008 - 4:16 PMThere are so many amazing points in this thread
I tend to disagree with Karl though
if there is an emotional charge to a subject talk about it
talk to your partners talk to your confidaunts, journal, write on this sight, ask questions; like you are doing
figure out your core issues, and release them or if needed create ground 'rules'
but with ground rules be aware that as your securities deepen these 'ground rules' may become outdated
Polyamory has such incredible possibilities
for personal growth of who you are as a person
and security within your relationship - in time sometimes a lot of time
I am at a disadvantage as well that I have been with my 'primary' in an open relationship for what seems like all my life 17 years/since i was 15
we have 2 children and we have taken this polyamory thing slowly we often find ourselves without partners and other times with a few
but my biggest suggestion is to talk and talk and talk
see your partner with new eyes and tell him what you love about him
honor yourself, it is easy to forget to take time for yourself
as a mother and a lover (of more than 1) time for yourself becomes seemingly impossible
take care
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