Is it important that they be random hookups or would he be OK with having a small circle of regular friends-with-benefits? Could you be OK with that?

VERY tough stuff, Diva!

You have raised a far bolder point than a lot of the philosophical, "poly enlightened, mono primitive" discussions here ever venture into.

I have recently been exploring whether my committed poly-ness isn't t related to my immaturity on many, many levels. The tie-in is that, as a chronic secondary (by choice) in the NYC poly community, I am often with someone else's primary and in that intoxicating state of NRE.

Believe me, all promises to primary partners (in my experience)--"I will always be honest with you," "I won't do anything without a condom," "no kissing," "I won't fall in love," etc.--go out the window where NRE lust is involved. My partners ALL lie to their primaries and it bugs the hell out of me and makes me question my maturity again.

I think that many polys worry that their primary will find a partner who they will love or lust more than them and that they will go mono for that person.

But it sounds like your husband is interested in fucking not love. I honestly don't know what I might be made more uncomfortable by: my partner wants to fuck random others, maybe carelessly, OR, my partner is looking for love and might find someone they love more than they love me.

My guess is that your husband has NEVER ever sought or found real mature love outside of you relationship. My worry is that your husband is living an extended immature adolescent selfish fuck-fest and is ignoring the invaluable support and strength of the relationship you have that makes it all possible! Trust me, his libido would be NOTHING without you. WITHOUT YOU, he'd be a scared little boy without the guts to even approach all these ladies he thinks are spreading their legs just for the blessing of his gigantic tool (that's just assumed)!!!

Sb

I suppose what I read in your post is this.

Why does your un-comfortableness with that larger circle have to extend to him, that is as long as your trust him to be safe and keep your needs in mind? Don't get me wrong I understand what you are saying and in fact struggle with it in my own current relationship as she is a free free spirit and I just rarely get into casual sex. So i had to look at the exact question I ask you. I am not sure if I have an answer really, because it is such an individual thing. However in the end one of the things I love most about her is her free spirit, her ability to connect to so many people so easily. If I were to ask her to limit that i would be putting a damper on one of the things that turns me on to her.

Just remember to be honest to you and honest to him too. You can have conflicting points of view in a relationship as long as your both willing to really hear the others point of view.

You have a right to ask for the most sensitive of the comforts zones you each have, be met.
He has evolved into manhood in a much different world than you have, in your evolution into womanhood.
He has been stingingly put down for his natural desires his whole life while you have been able to satisfy them nearly always. Witness the (assume statement) in this post.
He cannot help but have a reaction to this toxic (to men) sexual culture.
And that reaction seems to be a form of hoarding behaviour.
It's really hard for men to get over this.

Diva said: "Any advice?"

I wish I had some good advice. :/

The best I can come up with is for you to try and isolate what it is about the situation that makes you feel so uncomfortable and to keep the lines of communication open. I'd definitely suggest trying not to fight about it, as in my experience fighting is more of a detriment to communication than an aid but this is far easier to say than to put into practice. I guess, if you feel your getting into fight mode that you take a break from the conversation, maybe find someone you can vent to so that you can discuss and think about the issue with a clear head.

Good luck!

Diva...you state "for some reason this makes me very uncomfortable". I guess this might be part of the reason for the fighting, as it seems you both have a healthy history of communication. Could a contributing factor to the fighting be that you really don't have a clear answer of why this bothers you...at least I didn't read one. Time for some self-reflection I think. Find out if there really is an issue and exactly what it is or if you're issues are really temporary flare-ups of something you can deal with and get past. It's a lot easier to hear what someone else's needs and limits are and why, if they themselves know exactly what the issue is and can express it clearly.

People change...from this short description it sounds like you are changing the way you want to live your own life from the way "you both used" to live it and want your husband to follow your lead? Why does he have to change...just because you did? You even state you'd still play by the old rules by saying, "with the very ocassional exeption".

It seems there must be a compromise somewhere in this mix that will allow you both to honor each others needs and boundaries...best of luck.

I recommend a reading (or re-reading) of The Ethical Slut.

Different comfort zones is totally normal. As is the situation you describe, a poly primary marriage where one partner is a lot more comfortable with casual sex than the other (and it often breaks down on similar gender lines). I think my wife and I were in a similar boat a few years ago. Mainly for us it was she was uncomfortable with other couples hitting on us as a package deal, more like swinging, she was uncomfortable having casual sex with non-LTR partners, not me doing it. I think you just have to be clear that it's not for you, but also give him the freedom to still explore these more casual relationships if that's what he wants. If he's playing safe I would think STDs isn't that much of a concern, and I think you are using that as a bit of a cop out, it sounds more like it's how it makes you feel. Which I understand, but it seems less like something worth fighting about and more about communication and reaching a middle ground... I have to say though, I lean towards your husband's position/opinion.