My heart goes out to you Skip.

You have identified yourself as a polyamorous person, but at your core you are human.
I think it's best for you to let go of your label for the time being and let yourself feel what you are feeling without judging yourself as having "failed" in any way.

Hey Skip,

Sorry to hear things have been so tough.

When I was in a really heartbreaking, painful patch with my girlfriend - when she had a relationship with her boyfriend where love was involved - I tried to analyze and analyze the situation; to figure out something I could do to make myself okay with her relationship with him and with the idea of her being in love with other people, as well as being in love with me. I don't think I could every be truly poly (just non-monogamous), because it only got harder and harder. I couldn't handle not being the focus of her romantic love. I couldn't share in that way, even when I tried to rationalize myself into it. I just couldn't overwrite my feelings with logic, nor could I distance myself enough from them, mentally/emotionally, when I was confronted with them on a regular basis.

Now, I know this situation is very different from yours - yours sounds much trickier, in fact, because she has fallen for someone else while already in a relationship with you (while I came into the relationship while my girlfriend was already with her boyfriend). But, ultimately, I knew I couldn't change her and wouldn't want to pressure her into changing if not her her own terms, because it seemed like she might end up resenting that at some point, so I finally had to accept that there was nothing I could do to make her change or to make myself be alright with it. I just had to force my attention in a different direction and make myself wait to see what happened. But there was a tough part - finding a way to make my mind go anywhere else. I wound up asking her if she could not mention her boyfriend to me and I made a point never to be around him. I tried to block out his existence from my thoughts. This felt a bit unfair to her (and him) and like a dangerous approach, at first, but it turned out that not being regularly and directly confronted with the reality of her involvement with him helped me to just focus on my relationship with her. Taking away the focus on the seemingly hopeless state of things made me realize that my relationship with her WAS about myself and her and we did function well as a unit, and she did, truly, love me. It was comforting and helped me to feel much more secure in our relationship.

I don't think that you've failed as poly. You still seem to believe in the lifestyle. It's just very difficult when the sad, insecure feelings inside you take hold and it really isn't a failure when they do so and you can't push them back; it's very human. I know so many poly advocates say that jealousy is conditioned and I completely believe that some of the intensity and manifestations of jealousy are propagated by a society upholding the norm of monogamy, but I KNOW that people (some much more than others) experience their emotions so intensely that logic, rationalization, ideals, etc. cannot prevent them from experiencing frightened insecurity and great sorrow when faced with the absolute, harsh reality of some situations. I felt completely drained of hope and life - sunk into a horrible depression - and had to wait mine out and find a way to pass time, ultimately by admitting that I recognized the truth and had no power over it so it was best to let it be and 'pretend' it wasn't an issue while things worked themselves out. I'm sure this is not a good approach for everyone. And it seems so painful, when I'm sure you have such a strong connection to your wife, to feel her heart fitting someone into the place you're used to occupying. Perhaps it's good she's backed off from her involvement with the other guy, for your sake. It is considerate of her and shows that she's willing to make some compromises for your benefit. Perhaps you could find a way of reassuring yourself that she loves you and is committed to you first and set some boundaries, limiting her involvement slightly with him. Perhaps you can let her ease into her dealings with this guy more slowly. I'm not sure if that would still be too hard to handle (and/or for her to handle, considering the current strength of her feelings), but if she truly wants to be with him and find a way to make it doable for you, maybe that's a more feasible, slow approach. And perhaps her passion will die down for him, after a while, as well. It's sure to be heightened so early on, but it probably can't last at that intensity forever.

Anyhow, there's my rambly two cents. I hope you are able to make it through this with your heart in one piece and with some new perspectives on things that can help you find strategies, workable for you, in your poly relationships. Best of luck.

I haven't any advice.

I do offer sympathy for how badly you're feeling. Don't kick yourself too hard.

I think the transition from having casual sex with friends (more swinging) to having more love/emotional relationships along with the sex (more poly) is really hard for most people that follow a similar route. The first time it happens can be really hard. At least you and your wife are talking about it and doing what you need to do through work through it.

This is good advice... thanks everyone. I especially appreciate yours Rothilda. I feel things have stabilized. One thing about us is we are probably more open, honest, and communicative with each other than most couples. Our parents are pretty bad so we have been through some major hardships in our past while married with little or no support, especially in the beginning. We have been through some unbelievable life stresses and pressures that I believe would have broken most couples. We survived it all so I am confident we will be ok. What I can take away from this experience is that I know now more than ever that she loves me. That is a good feeling.

She is very poly at heart, always has been, and has wanted this kind of relationship for a number of years. I will continue to work on these feelings at a pace that will provide progress.

Skip, I joined this tribe some time ago to find advice and support, and I check in from time to time to see what the discussions can offer. I do not participate because I am not poly, and somehow it doesn't seem right. I am a monogamous person in a relationship with a poly person. It is very, very hard, and sometimes the knowledge that he is with his other lover is almost too hard to bear. But I get through it. Painful though those times are, I believe the relationship is worth it, because being with him brings me so much happiness. I have finally realized that it may never get much easier than it is now, but I never think of quitting, because I don't see it as an option. I don't want to quit. I have a strong and loving relationship with my lover, and that is what I try to focus on, even though the effort doesn't always work when he is away.

It sounds like you and your wife have a very deep bond, and that you are going to be able to work through it. I do hope so. For me, the good times are worth the bad. I hope the same for you.

Like a lot of things, Skip, once some time has passed where nothing Horrifically Tragic happens, you may find that this isn't that much of a hassle.