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First of all I'd like to say hello. I'm new here and to the Poly scene and really need some help with a problem.
I have been living with the same partner for almost 9 years (mono-mono). She has had for many years feelings that she was polyamorous and did not reveal these feelings to me until a couple months ago. She is BI and expressed a need to have women relationships, which we agreed was OK years ago, as long as there were no male sex relationships happening. I felt that at the time that if there was sex with a man needed that I was the one for the job. She completely agreed.
She recently came out and and said that she wanted man/woman relationships. We disagreed and we seperated. If we didnt seperate, she said she would do it anyway regardless. I felt my boundaries had been crossed and was not agreeable to the male aspect.
We have since been seeing each other as if we never parted, except she lives on her own and has 2 "secondary" male partners. We are still very close.
She expressed to me that she wants me to remain her life partner, albeit as the "primary". She expressed to me that the whole "package" was better that I had to offer and hands down wanted me to be the main squeeze. We want to work this out, except I have only one hang up.
I have given the lifestyle much thought, and have basically accepted it as an alternative to a monogamous lifestyle. I'm not against adapting to this new style of love.
My issue, and what I have come forward to ask is: Has anyone out there been in a situation where you felt O.K. with your partner having other relationships with the same sex, but couldn't bear them having one with the opposite sex?. I don't mean the love part, I mean the sex part.
It's not jealousy. It feels different. Almost a competetive feeling. The age old question comes to mind... What does he have to offer that I don't? If she isn't totally happy with the sex she is receiving from these other people, why do it at all?
I'd like to get past this very much so we can get on with our lives, hopes and dreams...
Thanks in advance!
Polyfx.
I have been living with the same partner for almost 9 years (mono-mono). She has had for many years feelings that she was polyamorous and did not reveal these feelings to me until a couple months ago. She is BI and expressed a need to have women relationships, which we agreed was OK years ago, as long as there were no male sex relationships happening. I felt that at the time that if there was sex with a man needed that I was the one for the job. She completely agreed.
She recently came out and and said that she wanted man/woman relationships. We disagreed and we seperated. If we didnt seperate, she said she would do it anyway regardless. I felt my boundaries had been crossed and was not agreeable to the male aspect.
We have since been seeing each other as if we never parted, except she lives on her own and has 2 "secondary" male partners. We are still very close.
She expressed to me that she wants me to remain her life partner, albeit as the "primary". She expressed to me that the whole "package" was better that I had to offer and hands down wanted me to be the main squeeze. We want to work this out, except I have only one hang up.
I have given the lifestyle much thought, and have basically accepted it as an alternative to a monogamous lifestyle. I'm not against adapting to this new style of love.
My issue, and what I have come forward to ask is: Has anyone out there been in a situation where you felt O.K. with your partner having other relationships with the same sex, but couldn't bear them having one with the opposite sex?. I don't mean the love part, I mean the sex part.
It's not jealousy. It feels different. Almost a competetive feeling. The age old question comes to mind... What does he have to offer that I don't? If she isn't totally happy with the sex she is receiving from these other people, why do it at all?
I'd like to get past this very much so we can get on with our lives, hopes and dreams...
Thanks in advance!
Polyfx.
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Re: Mono, New to poly and have a question
Tue, June 23, 2009 - 11:09 AMHere's where I've gotten with this concern: Even if they are the same gender, every man is different, and sex is about much more than just how "good" it is with a given partner. It's apples and oranges. Each person is unique, and the way it feels being sexual with each of them is also different. It's not about the number of orgasms, who has the most impressive equipment, or who I love more, it's about connecting with someone intimately and pleasurably because that's part of our relationship with each other, totally separate from other connections.
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Re: Mono, New to poly and have a question
Tue, June 23, 2009 - 11:21 AMWell, Chris, that competitive feeling *is* one manifestation of jealousy.
What does he have to offer that you don't? You're not him. But take heart. He's not you, either. The only person in the world that can offer the unique person that you are to your love is... YOU!
People aren't interchangeable. I'm married, yes. I do love my husband. We have twenty years of getting to know each other, getting to understand each other and learning to live with each other that can't be replaced. He has a girlfriend that he loves very much. Those experiences he has with HER and unique and cannot be replaced, either. The experiences he has with her are just as unique and precious. Does this mean he's "missing" something from me, or that I'm inadequate? Sweet baby Jesus, NO! I know he values me and exactly who I am. I'm a complete person, not a puzzle piece!
I have ... hell I refer to him publicly as FWB (Friend with Benefits), but after two years of being involved, I don't suppose anyone would believe I'm blase about the man. The experiences I have with him and the human HE is can't be exchanged or replaced by someone else, either.
As far as ranking lovers? I don't -- not in terms of fun, not in terms of sexual ability or anything. If I'm with someone, it's because I respect that individual for who he or she is. I'm not comparing one lover to another when I'm in bed with him or her. I'm thinking about how much we're enjoying it, what might be a good thing to do that would bring my lover pleasure, or enjoying the pleasure I'm feeling in that moment. -
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Re: Mono, New to poly and have a question
Fri, June 26, 2009 - 2:33 PMThank you for putting my intangible thoughts so perfectly into words. You, ma'am, are a genius.
Peace and Love,
~Fraggle
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Re: Mono, New to poly and have a question
Tue, June 23, 2009 - 11:36 AMHi Chris, welcome.
Challenging place you are at. Good for you for asking yourself the tough questions.
You've obviously taken a bit of time to delve into this and identified a feeling of competitiveness. What are you competing for? And why do you not see yourself as being in competition with the women she's involved with? If you are competing for her affections, you could just as easily "lose" to a woman. If you are competing sexually, who's to say she won't be more satisfied with a female partner?
That's all fear and conditioning talking. You don't have to give in to that line of thinking.
Each emotional relationship is different, each sexual relationship is different, and they can all bring good things into people's lives. Her relationships with others can bring positive spin-offs to you.
<If she isn't totally happy with the sex she is receiving from these other people, why do it at all> -- Why would you ever eat steak instead of lasagna if you were totally happy with the former? Sexuality is a wonderfully varied experience -- there's lots of range in each individual's desires and wants. She may find different things with each of those partners that float her boat. And she can be deliriously happy with every one of them. You included.
Most importantly, the sex is more than likely an expression of the emotional relationship. So evaluating the sexual component as if it is somehow separate from the emotional component could lead you to some erroneous conclusions. Once you get past the idea that she can create intimate relationships with other people and still have a solid one with you, what does it matter who sticks which bits where?
BTW: I live with my partner and her husband. Hearing them enjoying each other through the rather thin walls makes me feel pretty good. She's happy. He's happy. If they're happy, I'm pretty happy too. There's no doubt, however, that It took a bit of getting used to. ;-)
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Re: Mono, New to poly and have a question
Tue, June 23, 2009 - 8:27 PMEveryone is saying good things here, definitely.
I hate admitting this, but, yeah, I feel insecure when my girlfriend sees other women, but not other men. I don't feel insecure when my husband sees other women, just my girlfriend.
I think it is fear of replacement, and I see it as my responsiblity. If she limits her activity with others, it doesn't get any better. I pay attention to my own boundaries, as far as taking on more than I can stand, but her life is her own, and I won't push her into a corner. She's beautiful the way she is. -
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Re: Mono, New to poly and have a question
Wed, July 1, 2009 - 9:19 AMThanks everyone for your responses. Sorry for the slow reply.. New to tribe and had to figure out how to get back to a post!!
I am getting there with the whole other guy thing. It really boils down to the same old story I keep hearing about. People are different and not replaceable. Experiences are different and not replaceable. I get it...
I've been raised and conditioned a certain way to conform with the "norms" of society. The reality is that I am a very open minded individual and really want to see my mate happy! I'm really beginning to understand the differences now and become more accepting and content everyday.
This choice takes away the illusion of a safety net society has manifested.. It is both very exciting and scares the hell out of me at the same time... After all else, it is just an illusion and once it disappears all that remains is good.
We have decided to craft our relationship in such a way that I will exist as the primary/life partner. We will still have the things we want (i.e. living together, kids, financial things, life dreams, etc). Losing these things to something unknown was one of my bigger fears and has been put to rest. I realize that the primary/secondary label is sometimes bad, however for now until I get up to speed this is what works for us. We have set some guidelines/needs to make it easier to acclimate to the changes in our relationship dynamics.
Sure a part of me wants only a mono relationship still. As I progress in my journey into my new lifestyle choice I am sure that the old me and beliefs will change. After all, I'm only human ;).
Now I need to figure out how to meet people!
-C
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Re: Mono, New to poly and have a question
Tue, July 14, 2009 - 12:48 PMIt's wonderful to hear that you did not have to lose that very loving connection in your life Chris. Speaking as a mono then poly then mono now ??? I can attest to having had all the same fears. Social conditioning and social immersion contribute heavily to our perceptions of self and value. You seem to be navigating new waters rather well. I wish you continued success.
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Re: Mono, New to poly and have a question
Tue, July 14, 2009 - 7:35 PMIt makes perfect sense that you'd feel more threatened by other men. It's in your genes. Jealousy is a response to a threat to your reproductive success with your partner, and it often happens even if you don't want to feel threatened, and even if you have no plans to reproduce. Emotions are like that--they run on systems that are deeper and less transparent than the surface level at which rational decisions are made. They often appear to be completely irrational, since the logic of those systems only makes sense on the level of populations.
Anyway, it may be that the reason that you don't feel jealous about your partner having same-sex relationships but you do feel jealous about opposite-sex relationships is because with opposite-sex relationships there is a chance that you could be cuckolded. Your brain is programmed by millions of years of evolution to feel hostile toward that kind of situation, and while you have the ability to override those feelings if you decide to, it's helpful to know where they come from.
Part of what makes it so great to be a human is that we have the potential to perceive the unconscious systems that constantly tug our feelings this way and that way and make us desire do things that we might not understand. Once we understand them, then we have the choice to obey or disobey those desires. When your instincts tell you that you have strong loving feelings for people, you can decide that it's okay to act on those feelings. When your instincts generate negative feelings like jealousy, you can decide that it's not okay to act on those feelings.
There are plenty of people who don't feel much jealousy, if any. There are also plenty of people for whom jealousy is a huge, unstoppable force. You seem to be somewhere in the middle. Fortunately, you seem to be clever enough to realize that it's just a feeling, and not necessarily operating in your best interest.
Good luck with your explorations!
