Well, it's perfectly appropriate to say, "When I am stood up for a date, I often feel unvalued. I would like it if we make a date that it not be changed for less than an emergency, please. I love you and I do want to spend time with you."

The phrasing is important. You're expressing how you feel. You're not accusing or blaming or playing "shoulds" and you're asking for what you need. You're neither being a doormat, nor are you making someone else responsible for your feelings. You're not dragging peripheral issues into it. (The ISSUE is that you want to spend time with your husband, right?).

This is really kind of disturbingly like something that happened to me a few months ago. My wife and I had done the group poly thing (triads/quads) but hadn't done primary/secondary dating before. I started dating a woman, my first secondary, and we did the "I love you" thing on the second date, and had only known each other for under two weeks (mostly talking online and by phone every day). It was all really crazy, and the stress put on my already hectic life by the additional relationship was unmanageable, and I had to break it off after only a month or so.

I think the fact that this is his first secondary is significant. I've heard it said on dating advice shows that newly-divorced men, when jumping into the dating pool, tend to start treating their new dating partners with waaay too much intimacy waaay too quickly, and I would suggest the same thing happens also if you're poly and embarking on secondary relationships for the first time.

I'm not sure what to suggest to you. What my wife did in our situation was to raise her concerns to me about the relationship and to ask for more of my time, and while that did sort of work, it didn't work very smoothly (and I broke up with the girl). I would caution you to be very careful about talking about this person, because you don't want to be saying bad things about her just because you're jealous, or even give the appearance that you are. If you feel she's bad for him, keep it under your hat; he won't hear you if you say it, except to think that you're blinded by jealousy and not seeing her for who she really is. I thought my wife's concerns about my girlfriend were motivated by jealousy at the time, but looking back on the relationship I feel her concerns were valid after all. But telling me those concerns didn't really accomplish anything except to cause more drama. So instead, I would say to do as Noel suggested and talk just about your own feelings and wants and try to keep the other woman out of it.

One thing you might do is encourage your husband to talk to poly or poly-friendly folks about the situation. If your concerns about his inphatuation[sic] are valid, they'll see it too, and they won't be in a position to be blinded by jealousy, so he'll hear their advice.