Noel referenced her "Inner Hardass" column in a recent thread--this is my favorite column--
A while back Edward said something about how there's often a moment when we know a relationship isn't going to work out, but it takes us forever to act on it. I've had the same experience so now I have a goal to minimize the time between that moment and actually dumping my date--I made up my own list of "inner hardass" boundaries/rules based on a mental review of those moments. And even if I don't have the list with me I can always ask myself mentally, "Has the moment arrived? Is this it?" It's quite helpful actually. Well, at the risk of boring everyone and/or sounding like a fascist, here is my list--maybe you have one too, I'd love to hear it--and yeah, I know it all makes me sound unappealing, but to be honest I've spent most of my life being accommodating and now I'm old enough that I'd rather just have what I want.

--If I feel I am being treated disrespectfully (inappropriate anger, condescending remarks, monosyllabic answers to important questions, etc.), I will bail out. I'm going to trust my instincts on this question because they've always been right, and I'm not listening to a lot of argumentation about it. I might listen to an apology once. If you can't even apologize, forget it.

--If you disrespect my safe-sex rules or make me feel guilty about them, it's over. (I will forgive one benign effort to weasel out of them, and I will give you fair warning of my position. Please don't keep bringing it up unless you have life-partner status.)

--I don't want to be involved in your legal problems. The first time I am asked to sign a deposition, there will be no more dates.

--If you feel the need to make some speech about how you don't really care about me that much, you didn't really mean what you said, or that you aren't interested in being "serious," that will be a terminal conversation—obviously whatever I wanted from the relationship is not going to happen. No we can't "be friends" or "friends with benefits." I do occasionally have casual relationships and friends with benefits, but by mutual agreement from the beginning. If this subject comes up, I will cut my losses.

--I expect you to return phone calls promptly, answer email, and agree to a schedule of reciprocal visits commensurate with the seriousness of the relationship. I do not wait around by the phone. And I don't care what a fabulous city you live in or how uncool my town seems to you, I will not visit you every time.

--If it becomes apparent that you have problems making simple plans a few days (or weeks, if air travel is involved) ahead of time and sticking to them, I will give up.

--If I see you disrespecting a committed partner (or anyone, really—a friend, my ex-husband, my other lovers, your other lovers, the waiter--but especially a committed partner), there will be no more dates. I will assume that I am next in line for the same treatment.

--Get your finances together. I will not offer you money to make a child support payment or pay your rent, nor would I ask this from you. You don't need to be rich, but you do need to be financially stable and able to meet your obligations; unless we are in a long-term, committed relationship, do not ask me to weather a "run of bad luck" with you. Get a job and get your life together first. You or I, whoever has more means, may buy the other occasional gifts, plane tickets, hotel rooms, and meals in restaurants that the other can't afford; if we are not willing to do this, we do cheap things together so neither of us goes bankrupt trying to keep up.

--Get your anger under control. If there are childhood traumas you haven't got over, if you have issues with your family or with your ex or with someone else in your life, if you feel like a victim, see a therapist and maybe give me a call when you've solved the problem.

--No means no. I will not be argued with about my feelings or told how I feel or what I think or what I need.

--I don't care how professionally successful you are or how pressing your problems are. Your time is not more valuable than mine and the first time you suggest this or behave as though it were true, I will leave. I will of course understand scheduling difficulties and emergencies up to a point, and I will expect the same consideration from you; but if it becomes obvious that our schedules will prevent me from getting whatever I need from the relationship, I'll give up.

--I will quickly tire of your asking for favors that consume my entire day, as though I had nothing better to do. Double points if you yell at me for messing up some detail at any point when I am performing the favor. Triple points if you also ask me for money.

--I will not be blamed for your problems, nor do I believe that blame belongs in a mature relationship. I will explain this to you, but based on experience I'm not optimistic that it will have an effect. If you're a habitual blamer, expect our relationship to be short.

--I will make a good-faith effort to get along with your other partners. I will begin with the assumption that they are nice, friendly, sexy people and will seek out the closest relationship that works with the personalities involved. I don't need to be intimate or best friends with everyone, but if significant tensions develop, I may leave; competition and exclusion are not my style. If exclusion is your style, we cannot have a serious relationship.

--I don't care how many partners you have or which if any is "primary": you are not authorized to disrupt my life more than theirs or to inconvenience me more than them, nor to treat me with less consideration. If my needs and those of your "primary" conflict, we will talk about it and it works out or it does not; I do not automatically defer. "Secondary" does not mean inferior. (Actually I will probably ask you not to refer to me as a "secondary," though that is not necessarily a dealbreaker.)

--I will not indulge my jealousies, but if you meet someone new and our relationship changes significantly and I feel neglected--we will discuss it, but I may leave. I do not consider polyamory a binding contract to stay with you if my needs are no longer being met.

--If you cannot acknowledge my point of view in an argument, I have no way of resolving differences with you, and I will leave.

--If I am fucking you, the words "it's none of your business" or "that's private" do not apply. You may request more private time or space, but you may not tell me that a question of mine is inappropriate. If I'm not fucking you, go for it.

--If you have a problem with my being polyamorous, you have two weeks to get over it. I am not converting to monogamy for you and I will not listen to recriminations on this issue. In particular, the first time I hear a lecture about what Jesus wants me to do, I will end the relationship.

--I have very strict boundaries regarding my children. Allow me to introduce them to you on my schedule and control the degree of interaction. All parenting decisions will be made by me and the children's father.