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effective websites for casual encounters?

topic posted Thu, February 25, 2010 - 1:16 AM by  John A. Wilson
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Having a hard time finding an effective dating site that caters to casual encounters! They are either full of people trying to get married asap, or sex workers! Anyone have any recomendations?
posted by:
John A. Wilson
SF Bay Area
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  • Re: effective websites for casual encounters?

    Thu, February 25, 2010 - 3:12 AM
    Adult FriendFinder is about the classiest of the lost. Enjoy.
    • Re: effective websites for casual encounters?

      Thu, February 25, 2010 - 9:03 AM
      So there is no free ones that are any good?
      • Re: effective websites for casual encounters?

        Thu, February 25, 2010 - 12:15 PM
        Nope. They suck. You really need to pay to get the good stuff.
        • Re: effective websites for casual encounters?

          Thu, February 25, 2010 - 10:01 PM
          Hmmm, I've never heard someone say anything good about Adult Friend Finder. When I checked it out briefly las spring, it had no way to do real searches, (you could search based on age, height, location, but can't (or last year you couldn't) do any kind of reasonable searches that might uncover mutual interests. I got a lot of messages from clueless straight people (meaning straight as in lifestyle, not sexual orientation).
          • Re: effective websites for casual encounters?

            Fri, February 26, 2010 - 12:18 AM
            Ya, Key Word searches mean a lot!
            • Re: effective websites for casual encounters?

              Fri, February 26, 2010 - 12:20 AM
              oh, and ok qupid is good, but I am actually looking for sexual flings without the 4 year plan attatched!
              • Mark's Profile Analysis Service

                Fri, February 26, 2010 - 9:42 AM
                you should be able to find that on OKC, I'm sure it's more difficult because you're male looking for women, but still- everyone I know who's looking for casual encounters uses OKC or Craigslist. I don't know much about FetLife but it seems like some of the BDSM scene from Tribe went there once the Tribe website was too flakey. I'm not sure if it's stayed a real active site or not. My personal experience is that I've met AWESOME people on OKC, and I've gotten better at filtering out the creeps by modifying my profile.

                So- let me give you some OKC profile tips, since I know yours, you've seen mine and I've been really happy with the people I've met on OKC:

                (for everyone else- John and I actually met on OKC and went out on a couple of very nice social/music-playing dates, he's a really awesome, funny guy, and very attractive- I wish there was a 'I recommend you' section on OKC. Anyway, I think my profile tips for him might be of interest to other people looking for the same thing)

                Personally I decided to do one good sentence about myself, then immediately came out and said what I'm looking for in the next sentence in case people are skimming, even though OKC doesn't give you a place to talk about 'what/who you want' until the very end of the profile form.

                I think my being really up-front about what I want or DON'T want keeps the 'I'm lonely and want a relationship' people away- I can tell it's working by who with a similar match percentage has looked at my profile and what it says on theirs and whether they decide to message me or not. I'm pretty straightforward about not being available for long term relationships and I'm also very specific in what I say I'm looking for, which includes NSA flings and a lot of social-only activity partners stuff. I've compared notes with other women with similar profiles and levels of attractiveness, and I think I'm doing better than some at getting what I want, as a result of my straightforwardness.

                I decided I wanted my profile to have the 'important stuff' front and center, in the first paragraph or two. It looks to me like you copied your first section out of another site's profile layout, maybe, complete with a music interests list- while that was attractive to me personally in a social sense because our music interests match, it's not necessarily something that you need to feature if you're mostly looking for casual encounters, where if someone's music interests don't line up with yours, it may not matter so much.

                I'd suggest re-writing your first section in a 'I am...' language rather than what you have there now, which is more joke-y. You might also want to do what I did and immediately say what you're looking for. OKC doesn't give you a place to list the 'who you're looking for' other than the very last section, which is annoyingly titled 'you should message me if...'. I ignored that and stuck the 'I'm looking for the following situation and here's how strict I am about it' stuff in the very beginning, in my self-summary.

                I'm really clear about age range or other 'turnoffs' (ie christianity, etc), I give an explanation for 'why' so I'm (somewhat lamely) trying to not sound like it's just about appearance. On the other hand, women are likely to be turned off if a man posts a lot of stuff about looking for a certain appearance in a woman, not that you did that at all.

                Photos: in person I'm not hugely attractive so I used several photos from a photo session that happened to come out making me prettier than I actually am. I could have used more interesting 'lifestyle' photos that tell a story about what I do (lots of those in my Tribe profile), but I seriously filtered only for recent, attractive ones. Having fewer photos but good ones, is probably better than more photos that are snapshot-ish or less than stunningly hot. Shallow, I know, but it works.

                John, you have a really good OKC profile for relationship/personality sort of stuff- maybe you need even better pictures? Your current ones are interesting (and you're quite attractive), but some of them are just 'snapshots' and they tell a 'lifestyle' story (he's got foreign travel photos, massage photos, music photos) They were interesting to me because I'm looking for social friends with interesting lives, but someone who's just looking for an NSA fling might be shallower and you probably want to emphasize just well-done photos that show you as being hot. If I were you I'd replace the more 'snapshot' ones with better quality photos. One way to do that might be to get a friend or a pro to do a good photo session with you. I'd be willing to do that for you if I were still in town- one of your friends should find that a fun project. If you don't can't get any professionally-lit studio shots or whatever, at least go to the park with a friend and a good camera and model some of your leather stuff or something.

                As for tone of profile- I'd say take out the 'I like to win an argument' sort of stuff (and for other people who aren't John, be discreet about saying what you don't like- you probably don't want to sound like you're argumentative or overly opinionated), put the positives about you up front and leave the interests lists lower down, and emphasize more about what you're looking for- it's not actually clear from your profile that you're not looking for a relationship. I am more likely to respond to an NSA type of message if I think the person is secure and happy (whether in their poly relationship, their normal non-relationship life, or secure in their singleness)- not that your profile gives me the impression it's otherwise, but I think you want to emphasize that if you're getting the 'marriers' as some of your responses.
                • Re: Mark's Profile Analysis Service

                  Fri, February 26, 2010 - 4:26 PM
                  OKC actually DOES have a way to post testimonials, in the Awards section - there's a button at the right of the profile page that says AWARDS. Its matching algorithms are pretty good, especially if you answer enough of the test questions.. Plus there's a blog feature called "Journal" where you can write whatever you want about yourself or any subject.

                  Fetlife is still going strong, and there may be personals categories in your area, so you'd just have to do some searching.
                  • This is the maximum depth. Additional responses will not be threaded.

                    Re: Mark's Profile Analysis Service

                    Sat, February 27, 2010 - 9:11 AM
                    Thanx Mark, I will take all that to heart, and I think re-doing my profile is in order! One thing though, I am not ONLY looking for NSA encounters, I wouldn't want to block out anyone who was looking for something more, just no monogamy! A casual encounter now and then would be nice though, so its just finding the people who are interested in that too, and honest about it, which is the challenge!
                • Re: Mark's Profile Analysis Service

                  Sun, February 28, 2010 - 1:34 PM
                  Another recent hint I've learned about OK Cupid -- try to arrange for a profile photo of you looking disinterestedly off into the distance while holding an animal.
                  • This is the maximum depth. Additional responses will not be threaded.

                    Re: Mark's Profile Analysis Service

                    Sun, February 28, 2010 - 8:16 PM
                    or post a pic that is so dark that you have no idea what the person looks like...or what you are getting into
                    • Re: Mark's Profile Analysis Service

                      Sun, February 28, 2010 - 8:48 PM
                      These are all really good tips. and i actually joined OKC 4 yrs ago and forgot about it till now. The other day I found my profile after reading this thread, and it was like a time capsule to my dating self 4 yrs ago. It was GREAT! and funny enough, pretty true to myself still- with minor details changed.

                      SO i updated my profile, and now I want to tweek it to some of these tips too. Cool ideas. :)

                      Its an interesting site. :) Thanx for reminding me of it. :)
                      • Re: Mark's Profile Analysis Service

                        Mon, March 1, 2010 - 5:49 PM
                        Keep in mind that the best ideas for women are different than men.

                        For an interesting peek under the skirts:

                        www.informationisbeautiful.net/20...to/
                        • Re: Mark's Profile Analysis Service

                          Tue, March 2, 2010 - 12:37 AM
                          Thanx Edward,
                          That had me rolling in Laughter, even if it might be true! So now I wonder, should I go for the animal or muscle shot? Maybe I could do both together!
                          • Re: Mark's Profile Analysis Service

                            Tue, March 2, 2010 - 7:59 PM
                            I'd say go for muscular animals.

                            Like this guy: www.oddanimals.com/images/o...ls169.jpg
                            • Re: Mark's Profile Analysis Service

                              Wed, March 3, 2010 - 9:54 AM
                              @ Alisa: I question Cupid's profiling ability. It keeps sending me people who aren't a good match for me. I did meet Mark there, but that was more to do with the fact I can search by keyword!
                              • Re: Mark's Profile Analysis Service

                                Fri, March 5, 2010 - 1:08 AM
                                Yeah, some people find this to be the case. I am more easily amused, I think. I love reading profiles.

                                I haven't participated on everything the site offers like - identifying my interests in a format that "staff robot" can read. So, I don't think I'm locatable based on a search by intererests like "poly". I still find a bunch of people that are very cool - and often poly or have recently begun exploring poly relationships. How? I read through the profile, read their journal posts, and their test results. There are tests that concern relationship style preference from strict mono, to poly curious, to poly-fi, to poly, to swinger. The tests are "cute", "fun" and sometimes silly. However, if someone takes one of the poly tests and leaves their result public, and it says that they are a "flaming polymore" then I write to them - given the rest of their profile looks promising as well.

                                Likewise, there are tests that presume to measure body type that a person is interested. I'm not a skinny person. So, if I'm looking at the profile and the person looks interesting, and their body type preference test says "cute and curvy" then I'm happy. If it says "skinny" then, I skip them.

                                Once you find a test that you like that indicates sexual appetite, or readiness to have sex on the first date, or something like this, you can search people based on the test result you like.

                                Yesterday, I laughed out loud when I saw my quiver. The first person was a guy who lists his sexual preference as gay. Talk about "Not a Good Match"! So, I clicked on his profile and read it - thoroughly. Then I messaged him so that hopefully, he would get a laugh out of it, too.

                                Also, don't forget the forums. There is a section labeled something like "Alternative" and it explains to you what that section is for - discussions of a sexual nature, BDSM, polyamory and other forms of relating that are not in the mainstream according to OKCupid. If I were you, I would check out those forums and start a discussion around the question you've posed here.

                                So, my basic message is that you can't sit and wait for staff robot to bring you the right person(s). Be more creative, explore more of the site and check out the tests.

                                Don't give up. Or do. It's up to you. I look forward to hearing if you come up with a better site for finding what you are looking for.

                                Alisa
                                • Re: Mark's Profile Analysis Service

                                  Fri, March 5, 2010 - 4:54 PM
                                  Thanx Alisa, some good advise, though I am about sick to death of forums! They never seem to amount to me meeting anyone, people usually just want to talk about things and often act irritated if you approach them. Like I want to talk about being poly, I am poly, there is not a lot of need to spend a lot of time talking about it unless you are trying to meet someone or get some info.
                                  Funny, I recently tried Craigslist and go a couple of serious replies, after searching through a pile of spam. I met with one of them last night and hit it off quite well. Who would have thought, I belong to 3 or 4 dating sites, none of which have yealded a hookup, but I put an add on CL casual encounters, and meet someone right away! Ha
                                  • Re: Mark's Profile Analysis Service

                                    Fri, March 5, 2010 - 10:11 PM
                                    Well, great! You've found something that's worked for what you are looking for. I would have assumed that Craigslist would not have worked so well. Just goes to show that sometimes, you just have to jump in and try it. Way to go!

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