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Our wedding is not too far off. … We let some of the family know. I am curious how did it go for you?
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Portland
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Re: Anybody tell your family that your poly?
Mon, February 2, 2009 - 1:06 PMLol... I'm not gonna get married soon, but I couldn't possibly EVER see telling them anything like that. They had a hard time accepting I'm bi. -
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Unsu...
Re: Anybody tell your family that your poly?
Mon, February 2, 2009 - 1:23 PMthat's kind of funny, Nadia...i haven't come out of the closet as bi to my family, but they know i'm poly.
i'm not capable of being real secretive...and attending family functions with a different boyfriend than the one i lived with required explanations, since i couldn't stand the idea of them thinking i was cheating. i also tend to turn to my mom and sister a lot during emotional difficulties, so it was a little hard to hide during the phase when i was having problems with both of them at the same time...
they took it okay. better than they dealt with my pagan wedding, actually - but they'd had a lot more experiences with my "idiosyncrasies" over the years, by the time my being poly got mentioned.
i tend to think people's families would be more accepting than they're given credit for, but i've also had people insist it's just *my* family that is so accepting. i don't know...i was only "disowned" once, and i guess once they let me back in they figured nothing else could shock them. -
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Re: Anybody tell your family that your poly?
Mon, February 2, 2009 - 1:43 PMnods... I'm thinking this might be the case for me. I was basically disowned for being a masochist... That wasn't a pretty conversation; I ran away.
Now... I think they would just shut up and put up with just about anything, but I know how much it would kill my mom... It's not what she raised me for :)
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Re: Anybody tell your family that your poly?
Wed, April 1, 2009 - 9:03 AMI come from a very liberal family. They were well versed in poly before I started practicing it, because their local Unitarian-Universalist church was bitterly divided on welcoming a poly group. My mom left that church in solidarity with the poly group! I had already come out as bi, then lesbian, then bi...This stuff doesn't phase them. They probably still wish I'd get a "real" job, though...
Wren Tuatha www.HippieChickDiaries.com/
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Re: Anybody tell your family that your poly?
Sat, April 4, 2009 - 8:05 AMI recently remembered an instance where my fundemental christian family found out, about poly. that "wives were allowed to fuck the husbands' friends".
they thought it was the vilest thing sense porn. lol. and there was a good bit of badmouthing, by my brother, mom and dad. no, if they figure it out on their own, fine, but i sure as hell am not volunteering information! -
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Re: Anybody tell your family that your poly?
Tue, May 26, 2009 - 9:01 AMMan, it seems like a lot of poly & sexually "deviant" folks (BDSM, bi, trans, fetish, etc) had a lot of secrecy and repression coming up.
My parents are/were pretty much asexual. I can probably count on one hand the number of times I've seen them kiss. I guess it shouldn't come as a surprise that I found out last year (I'm 30) that my mom and sister both assumed I was gay, because I dress in flamboyant costumes, am comfortable with my sexuality, and oh yeah, refused to bring a girl over or talk about my exploits or relationships with them, ever.
I had quite a rough double-breakup last fall (one of DOWNSIDES of being poly) the week I visited my sister for Thanksgiving. In trying to lean on her for support and advice to process my feelings I had to explain I was poly. Found out one of her best friends growing up, whom I had met a few times and known vaguely for a couple of decades, was also poly and getting married! Small world. So my sister did know and understand. Her having a PhD in clinical psychology didn't hurt, either.
Like me, she's been in the unique position of growing up in a very traditional, old-fashioned Romanian family (born in a Communist dictatorship), yet growing up Generation Y kids in and around NYC, we both are very progressive, open-minded, and well-educated, with no blind deference to religion. Even though she's married with kids, she can totally respect my lifestyle, and I hers. When I calmly, rationally, and non-defensively explain the reasoning behind my choices like poly or doing Burning Man and other things, she knows that I've given it all a lot of cafeful thought and am not doing it as a plea for attention or to act out some self-destructive fantasy or whatever many psychologists believe. We used to fight constantly and violently as kids but now, as adults, I feel like we have a mutual respect for one another.
But yeah, the way my parents judge me and my lifestyle constantly, and the way my mother gossips (somehow my entire family and friends of the family knows my business IMMEDIATELY after I tell her), there's no way I am prepared to let that cat out of the bag any time soon. I sympathize with your situation Nadia!
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Re: Anybody tell your family that your poly?
Mon, February 2, 2009 - 4:48 PMMy family knows. It's worked out okay.
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Re: Anybody tell your family that your poly?
Mon, February 2, 2009 - 5:48 PMSome of my family know, some suspect, and others have no clue. Considering how well things went when I came out as bisexual, I've only told a few. The rest can speculate as much as they want.
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Re: Anybody tell your family that your poly?
Mon, February 2, 2009 - 6:36 PMIt was a-ok for me. My family didn't like it and couldn't get past "But if you're with someone else it will hurt them!" but they accept it and are happy that I'm happy.
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Re: Anybody tell your family that your poly?
Tue, February 3, 2009 - 8:15 AMNot in those words. They know I prefer open relationships, that I date both men and women, and that I've been in a trio, though. The word "poly" has never come up because I feel like it's specialized vocabulary.
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Re: Anybody tell your family that your poly?
Tue, February 3, 2009 - 10:41 AMI haven't told my family. My parents never discussed birth control, sex or relationships at all with me growing up, I think it's a Catholic thing. Our sex lives, relationships, and politics are barely touched on in family conversations, since it would mostly bring up a bunch of unnecessary drama, and frankly that's quite fine with me. I like my parents and siblings and don't really want to get in long heated debates about stuff that ultimately have nothing to do with them or my relationships with them.
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Re: Anybody tell your family that your poly?
Tue, February 3, 2009 - 12:38 PMMy family knows. My sister is not poly herself, though she's got a high and unusual sexual appetite, just like me...so...she's not the least bit judgmental about it. My father seems indifferent. I get the feeling he really means it when he tells me, "I don't care what you do, Evan, as long as you're happy with it. I love you no matter what." -
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Re: Anybody tell your family that your poly?
Tue, February 3, 2009 - 4:25 PMYep, we all came out to our parents, not so much for our sakes, but so the kids would be safe to talk with their grandparents and not spill some big "secret". We got two out of three sets in the supportive camp, and mine in the "Will she ever come to Jesus? Where did we go wrong?" camp. Even the unsupportive family isn't actively hostile though, so I'll take it! -
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Re: Anybody tell your family that your poly?
Tue, February 10, 2009 - 10:15 AMMy family knows. They've been pretty accepting (at least outwardly).
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Re: Anybody tell your family that your poly?
Tue, February 10, 2009 - 10:29 AMMy family's down. My mom and dad are supportive if not understanding.
My little sister doesn't get it, though. From her, it's always stuff like, "Well, someday you'll find the right girl and settle down" and "Well, you have the freedom to move because you guys aren't, like, *in love,* right?" -
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Re: Anybody tell your family that your poly?
Tue, February 10, 2009 - 1:58 PMIt would be really ironic for me to tell my family that I'm poly. My folks are traditional marriage and all, but my uncle is Mormon and has 10 kids (with the same wife) who've all married now. I just imagine how weird it would be for my Mormon family to know that I'm poly -esp. if I (ever) marry. -
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Re: Anybody tell your family that your poly?
Tue, February 10, 2009 - 2:03 PMHa! Just about my entire extended family is heavily Mormon. I'm not sure how much of my life they really know about but my immediate family definitely knows and the family members who were able to make the wedding may have caught on that there wasn't any "forsaking all others" in our vows. But since we wrote the whole ceremony, vows and everything it might have been missed.
I don't really think I'd get any flak but it wouldn't really bother me anyhow, well, unless they went super psycho about it. ;)
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Unsu...
Re: Anybody tell your family that your poly?
Tue, February 10, 2009 - 4:11 PMI have been giving much thought to this lately. I know that I will eventually be telling my family but quite frankly the fact that three of my siblings and their families are very Mormon does intimidate me quite a bit. Sitting at my niece's wedding reception a few weeks ago, being treated to a sermon on how important temple marriage is (and how other marriage just isn't good enough) left me thinking perhaps I should just keep it to myself.
My boyfriend is more than just someone to be physically intimate with though. I am soul-linked to him and the thought of not sharing such a huge part of my life with my family doesn't seem right. Also, I feel it's disrespectful to my boyfriend to not let key people in my life know exactly what role he plays to me. My best friend of 20 years is no longer speaking to me specifically because of this change in my marriage and knowing that my family already considers me a "lost sheep" of the Mormon flock leads me to believe that my happy news will not be received well at all. I've kept quite a bit of my life secret from my family because it does not mesh well with their religion, but I can't imagine trying to hide one of my soulmates for the rest of my life is even something I should consider.
Has anyone "come out" yet to Mormon or similarly strict religious family members? Any tips? -
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Re: Anybody tell your family that your poly?
Tue, February 10, 2009 - 5:08 PMSo first off I am married to Becca of 13 years and we are marrying Pam in May.
It is funny how many people have Mormon backgrounds. I for one was a convert in college… did everything supposable “right”… even got married in the temple. TWICE lol
I even made it into the Bishopric. I was not born and raised in the church as Becca was. Her family goes back to the foundation of the church. Pam has a very religious background (Baptist) went to bob Jones university… We officially left the church in 2000
What I don’t like is you tell people your poly and they assume it is your Mormon background. Because to me that signifies marrying somebody under control and religion based to make it to the highest level of heaven…. Blah blah which they themselves do not practice anymore.
When the truth lies that we are marrying somebody because we love her. It is also a sign of commitment. Leave the religion at the door… lol
To that note…
We only tell the people we really want to know and feel will celebrate it with us. People that interact with us and our children regularly. So All our friends know…
Becca’s Parents (very Mormon) would flip and we really don’t need it or want it… they have no interactions with us other then an occasion holiday… and they think of Pam as family but don’t really know the depth of it. It is not worth the energy to even try to explain it to them especially after there disappointment of there star family falling from grace. It is truth that religion has blinders.
Becca’s Siblings
Becca has 5 and we will only tell 2
Told:
Sister 1 she is fairly accepting as well as her husband. Although very Mormon.
They took it great… She was like Heck yea I want to go and I love Pammy to death I am so glad she will really be family” She wants to go to the wedding flying in from California
Brother 1 he visits us monthly stays for the weekend it… we just sort of got tired of trying to hide it… His reaction was very neutral… Just said Yea I have always thought of pam as family… lol that was months ago and nothing has changed so I am sure he is very accepting. He wants to go to the wedding
Not telling
Sister 2 is way to religious and if she would accept it her husband would not he is holier then thou
Brother 2 No real contact with not a issue maybe see him once every 4 years
Brother 3 in the ARMY don’t see him either may tell at some point.
My Parents: No religion, we see all the time and play a very active role with our children.
Mom took it pretty good Dad was worried about our Daughter and more of societies rules but once he got over that he is supportive. They both really want to attend. They actually figured it out when they noticed new rings ect but were biting there tongues.
Pam’s Parents: Will not be told they are up in there years and no reason to ruin what they have left. Her father is a retired prominent conservative southern Baptist minister. They live in Florida. They are already distraught about Pam’s divorce and that has become a family scandal and that was not anything weird about it.
Pam’s Kids:
They were recently told and they were like “we already knew… “party because the dad tried to use it negatively towards them saying stuff like “your mom has a new family” sort of backfired on him. The 3 of them want to be in the wedding.
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Re: Anybody tell your family that your poly?
Tue, February 10, 2009 - 5:35 PMWe're out to all our folks. One set is Mormon and Catholic, one set is a conservative Evangelical minister and dutiful subservient wife, the last set is nominally Lutheran.
The nominally Lutherans took it well. The Catholic/Mormon set has gotten enough flak for marrying outside their religion already, so they were pretty good. The evangelical minister and wife were the toughest.
When you tell, give them opportunities to ask questions, access to information that isn't going to excessively freak them out about poly, and then be prepared to hash things out over and over again. They'll continue to come up with reasons you are exploding your life and damaging your children for quite some time.
Figure out what your boundaries are in regards to the kids. For example: They are welcome to disagree with us directly, and to share their beliefs with our kids, but not to bad mouth us, push their values system, or be overtly judgmental. If the violate that, they have restricted access to the kids. -
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Re: Anybody tell your family that your poly?
Wed, February 11, 2009 - 6:55 AMUgh, my sympathies on the evangelical side, Gina.
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Unsu...
Re: Anybody tell your family that your poly?
Wed, February 11, 2009 - 10:51 AMExcellent advice about boundaries Gina! That was not something I had considered.
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Re: Anybody tell your family that your poly?
Wed, February 11, 2009 - 10:02 AMNo, I've learned over the years that with family it's on a need to know basis. -
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Re: Anybody tell your family that your poly?
Wed, February 11, 2009 - 1:08 PMI told my dad first because I knew his answer would be, "As long as you're happy" and that he'd follow up with questions about whether or not I was happy now and again. I told my sister after my dad and discovered that she was extremely open minded about it. I'm able to ask her advice and talk to her about anything now. Yay. Then I told my mom, who had a harder time with it because she is moderately Christian and took moral issue with it. She didn't want to ask me questions because she was worried about asking hurtful things. So I told her to phone my sister. After some jealousy over my sister knowing first she found that she could confide in her and is now more comfortable with everything. Again, YAY.
My mom has come around a whole bunch in just a matter of a couple months. We talked about living situations and about the possibility of me living with more than one partner. She set the boundary that she wasn't going to explain this to her fundamentalist christian family. I have little to nothing to do with them so it shouldn't be an issue anyway. Nevertheless, I said I wouldn't put her in that position and told her to direct any questions to me. I don't care about coming out to them as they aren't in my life but I'd rather spare my mom the lectures about how she did a terrible job raising children, which is so clearly the opposite of the truth. -
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Unsu...
Re: Anybody tell your family that your poly?
Wed, February 11, 2009 - 4:35 PM<< don't care about coming out to them as they aren't in my life but I'd rather spare my mom the lectures about how she did a terrible job raising children, which is so clearly the opposite of the truth. >>
that's really awesome, tabi...makes me wonder if i should consider that possibility now that i'm living closer to the conservative elements of my extended family...if they really dig around on my facebook and myspace profiles (about the only contact they have with me currently) they could figure out pretty easily that i'm poly, but i wouldn't want to put my mom into an awkward situation.
huh. though if she doesn't stop with the *sniff...sniff...i love you and i wish you'd repent before the End Times" bs, i might not worry as much about the questions my extended family might ask her... -
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Re: Anybody tell your family that your poly?
Thu, February 12, 2009 - 8:22 AMhugs, i'm sorry she's not being more supportive. sometimes it's just too much for someone who's set in their ways to wrap their brains around....
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Re: Anybody tell your family that your poly?
Thu, February 12, 2009 - 10:55 AMLast fall we went back East to my bio-family home to intro them to my BF and my wife's GF. Most of my sibling were totally cool but the one I expected to be most cool seemed a bit homophobic!
My mother on the other hand had serious trouble with the whole concept. At the end of the weekend, she as us "how do you define sin?" A couple of weeks latter she asked me if I was a "sex addict" then went on how men having sex with men was not safe or smart.
Good luck!
Hugs,
Rig Daddy -
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Re: Anybody tell your family that your poly?
Thu, February 12, 2009 - 3:35 PM"...the one I expected to be most cool seemed a bit homophobic!"
Bummer. Well, give it time. Sometimes people's initial reactions aer a bit... magnified.
"A couple of weeks latter she asked me if I was a "sex addict" then went on how men having sex with men was not safe or smart. "
It's hellaciously safer than driving, even if you account for cellphone and latte usage.
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Re: Anybody tell your family that your poly?
Fri, February 13, 2009 - 10:06 PMI haven't yet but eventually I will tell my dad that I'm in an open relationship... and I think it will go OK.
'Cause: if there's such a thing as a subconscious/unacknowledged/whatever poly, my father fits the bill. He loves women... over his lifetime, lots of them... he's not casual, he's not a user, and he doesn't have impersonal sex; that's not his thing. He falls in love relatively often but there's no monogamy in his soul, and everyone who has interacted with him for a significant amount of time knows it (including our family, my late mother, a wide selection of ex girlfriends, and a former fiancee). I've thought of suggesting that polyamory is something he might consider looking into-- but I'm not sure it would be helpful for his kid to point out that he isn't honest with himself about what he does and doesn't want from his partners. -
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Re: Anybody tell your family that your poly?
Sat, February 14, 2009 - 9:06 AMOne of the true regrets in my life is that my father was lost to a drunken, fall induced, brain injury long before I found polyamory. While I've never been monogamous we didn't know about the fullness of open and honest when he was still around. He was the first slut I knew. Three legal wives, one common law one too.
It DOES run in the family. I'm sure of it.
My brother isn't monogamous and his wife just sort of looks the other way. One sister has a long time partner, ( ten years, three kids ) but he won't do marriage because she won't do monogamy and the other has a never found ONE guy so she had her kid as a single woman.
And the reports are that my father's father was also slut but things where hushed up 80 years ago so it's tough to know for sure.
Hugs,
Rig Daddy
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Re: Anybody tell your family that your poly?
Thu, March 19, 2009 - 10:53 AMMy family frankly would not be surprised by anything I do lol So I would not have a problem.
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Re: Anybody tell your family that your poly?
Wed, April 1, 2009 - 9:33 PMI've recently joined the polyamorous lifestyle (approximately two months ago)
My first daunting thought was, "How am I going to tell my family?"
Well, my Mother is my best friend and I have told her most every detail about my life.
About a week ago on the phone I hedged around the topic by asking my Mother indirect "What if?" questions.
Eventually I blurted out that my relationship with my partner has evolved into a polyamorous relationship.
She laughed at me for being nervous, but conveyed she could understand why I would be nervous, considering societies stigma concerning anything not viewed as "normal".
I asked her if she would rather me keep our poly ventures to ourselves or if she would be a shoulder to cry on...
... and the response....
*drum roll*
She is more than happy to provide support for us!
Phew...
Now to tell the rest of the family :)
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Re: Anybody tell your family that your poly?
Wed, April 1, 2009 - 10:31 PMcongratulations for being able to come out to your mom :)
i'm mildly jealous; i am taking applications for mother in the portland area....
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Re: Anybody tell your family that your poly?
Thu, April 2, 2009 - 8:05 AMAwesome!
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Fundamentalist!
Sat, April 4, 2009 - 11:34 AMMy whole family knows. What I was surprised at was my fundamentalist Catholic mother did not freak out.
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Re: Anybody tell your family that your poly?
Mon, April 6, 2009 - 1:31 AMI told my mom a while back... had to explain to her what it meant, LOL. We talk every week and she has been surprisingly non-judgemental of my lifestyle choices. I haven't told anyone else in my family, but then again I don't really talk to anyone else in my family anymore.
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Re: Anybody tell your family that your poly?
Thu, April 9, 2009 - 9:45 PMoh hell no; my family are all fundaMENTALists, god love 'em. -
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Re: Anybody tell your family that your poly?
Mon, April 20, 2009 - 2:40 PMWe have also gone on need to know basis. He told his family and it was quite comical really. It had to come up because he has 2 primary girlfriends and they were bound to catch on, plus he was asked a direct question about me and they know his other girlfriend, so he told them.
My mom and step father know, but there has been no need to expand on anyone other than Cameron with the rest of the family. We are having a commitment ceremony in a week and i told them about it but made it clear it is not legal or religious or for anyone other than just us. They kindof accept it. Most are just happy for me.
As for friends and people we meet, we are pretty open about it all and that's gone splendidly. Work friends did not understand. Its interesting what concepts are held about relationships and alternative relationships or lifestyles.
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Unsu...
Re: Anybody tell your family that your poly?
Wed, April 22, 2009 - 9:04 PMI just talked to my mom about it for the first time last weekend. After a couple years of talking about this girl or that girl she was starting to get that tone with me when I mentioned any female name. So I let her know I am currently dating two women, that they knew about each other and had even met once. She was shocked to say the least but in the end I have already pushed my moms comfort zones for what is reality so intensely that she was not all that surprised.
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Re: Anybody tell your family that your poly?
Thu, May 21, 2009 - 1:25 AMWe're lucky. My (Russell) family all live interstate. Mother is Christian and understanding. Though kept asking if it is my about to be ex-wife (who due to poverty we share a house with) is the one who we will be having sex with....YECH!!
Selina's parents hate me and have disowned her before we decided to explore being Poly. Sent the sister an e-mail so far no drama.
Haven't exactly told many friends yet.
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Re: Anybody tell your family that your poly?
Tue, May 26, 2009 - 11:42 AMLast fall I took my wife, her gf, and my bf home to meet my mother and siblings. Weird. My mother didn't do well but so what, most of my brothers a sisters were great.
On the other hand my boyfriend's father and sister showed up recently after he had some serious health issues. We didn't tell them anything. At least not at first. My BF is gay and his dad and sister are long time cool with that but they had never been exposed to poly. At the end of the first day, my bf and I go down to sleep, his dad doesn't think much of it, but over night my wife came back and when the dad woke up he was more than a bit confused when I introduced my wife. We still didn't say anything but just let him figure it out.
Everything went fine! Eventually his dad and I had a very long talk mostly about future care for my bf as his health may take another bad turn, but it was also about the fact that I was his son's partner even if I had another partner and that my other partner, my wife, was also someone very, very special to his son even if she's not his partner. I also told him that I hold his son's medical power, or as they call it here, "advanced medical directive" and as such I'm responsible for his son's care my bf can't make choices for himself. Hearing that helped him understand that I am really his son's partner.
All's well that ends well. My mother couldn't handle it. My bf's family had not trouble.
Hugs,
Rig Daddy -
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Re: Anybody tell your family that your poly?
Tue, May 26, 2009 - 7:19 PMRig.
Wonderful! Your situation is a lot more complex than what Selina and I want....but I think at the end of the day people will just accept the situation. We have gotten a response from Selina's sister and she has the approach that it's a personal matter and since she lives a 1000 km (650 miles) there isn't a lot she can do anyway.
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Re: Anybody tell your family that your poly?
Sun, June 7, 2009 - 10:38 AMI try to avoid the classic labels and terms. Folks not in the poly scene have even a harder time, I've found, with labels than folks in the community. With my Ex and my grown kids, I've just said things like "He's got a(nother) date," "He's going out with ____ tonight," "I need to spend time with so-and-so for a fresh change..." ... that sort of thing. I don't get into details about what level of intimacy that means. If they ask, I will deliberately have a more detailed, sit-down discussion with them about it. Most of the time, though, they'd rather not hear any more about it that just the vague references. -
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Re: Anybody tell your family that your poly?
Sun, June 7, 2009 - 11:40 PMWe told a very close friend (who rates as family) last night. He had more problems with the etymology of the word...it's a Greek-Latin mix than the idea that we are looking for a wife.
The scientific mind complained about Poly: Greek and amor: Latin. He wants a new name. And "we'll fuck almost anyone" doesn't count. -
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Re: Anybody tell your family that your poly?
Mon, June 8, 2009 - 2:48 AM -
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Re: Anybody tell your family that your poly?
Mon, June 8, 2009 - 11:26 AMThat is a damn funny shirt!
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Re: Anybody tell your family that your poly?
Mon, June 8, 2009 - 8:05 PMSent that link to the Scientist. Should get a hoot out of it.
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