I have seen several posts from members of this tribe that are specific to the ending of their relationships but I don't recall seeing a discussion of how or why the ending of a poly relationship would be different from a monogamous relationship.
Breakups are never fun or easy and there are serious feelings involved that need to be processed in one way or another by all parties involved. I am curious, having gone through a fairly tough one not too long ago how other people went through theirs.
I have a feeling that breakups are as individual as the relationships that are ended but I wonder if there are characteristics of breaking up a poly relationship that are unique compared to monogamous relationships. For example, in a poly relationship special consideration must be given to the parties that are not breaking up.
I am happy to say that I am recovering nicely after over two months but I know I have a long way to go. My primary relationship is still healthy and I have been going through a great deal of personal growth and all that good stuff. My former secondary and I have not had any communication for a long time and I have no idea if we ever will have communications again. I don't know if this is normal or not but it is not by my choice in any event. I guess it could be worse. There has not been any ugly incidents or exchanges since the breakup and even though we have many friends in common our community seems to be very understanding and somewhat compassionate.
Anyway, I look forward to see if anyone on this tribe has some words of wisdom or would like to share their breakup stories.
Breakups are never fun or easy and there are serious feelings involved that need to be processed in one way or another by all parties involved. I am curious, having gone through a fairly tough one not too long ago how other people went through theirs.
I have a feeling that breakups are as individual as the relationships that are ended but I wonder if there are characteristics of breaking up a poly relationship that are unique compared to monogamous relationships. For example, in a poly relationship special consideration must be given to the parties that are not breaking up.
I am happy to say that I am recovering nicely after over two months but I know I have a long way to go. My primary relationship is still healthy and I have been going through a great deal of personal growth and all that good stuff. My former secondary and I have not had any communication for a long time and I have no idea if we ever will have communications again. I don't know if this is normal or not but it is not by my choice in any event. I guess it could be worse. There has not been any ugly incidents or exchanges since the breakup and even though we have many friends in common our community seems to be very understanding and somewhat compassionate.
Anyway, I look forward to see if anyone on this tribe has some words of wisdom or would like to share their breakup stories.
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SF Bay Area
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Re: When polyamory relationships end
Wed, May 21, 2008 - 11:40 AMThe only real difference I can think of that's specific to polyamory rather than to anything else is that if you have other partners, it's unlikely you'll get much sympathy in the breakup.
I mean, otherwise, they hurt, you mourn and you move on, just like the monogamous ones. -
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Re: When polyamory relationships end
Wed, May 21, 2008 - 2:41 PM<<The only real difference I can think of that's specific to polyamory rather than to anything else is that if you have other partners, it's unlikely you'll get much sympathy in the breakup.>>
Excuse me for being blunt, but if your remaining partner(s) are any good at all to you, you will get lots of sympathy and understanding and TLC. So in some ways, it's easier, and in many ways, it's harder, because you still have a remaining relationship to look after and take care of, and everyone's feelings are raw and sometimes the issues of the various parties complicate one another.
I'm thinking, sometime in the next decade, of writing a book called "How Marriage Can Survive Divorce". Because it can. At least, for me it did. -
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Re: When polyamory relationships end
Wed, May 21, 2008 - 2:51 PMRemaining partners? Yes. Usually. You're quite right.
But for the rest? "Well, you've got other partners, what are you sad about?" is certainly a response I've gotten.
Or worse. "Well, you're poly, so it's not like they meant THAT much to you."
I'm not friends with those people any more, to be honest. -
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Re: When polyamory relationships end
Wed, May 21, 2008 - 3:40 PMExactly. Mono friends usually aren't that sympathetic... especially my other guy friends. But then, they don't really get poly to begin with. My primary is always very sympathetic and supportive when a relationship ends with another partner, she's got my back on that action. And I try to be there for her in the same way when she goes through the same pain and turmoil.
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Re: When polyamory relationships end
Wed, May 21, 2008 - 5:35 PMThanks for clearing that up. I myself got a large amount of support from my primary. She has been my rock throughout the process from start to finish. We have become closer for it too.
I have not heard anyone tell me I should not be sad but I an certainly see how that might be an issue if one of my friends had said something like that. In general, most people have been very kind and understanding. I have been very impressed by how few of the people I know who are openly poly have taken sides even in the slightest.
I think you are right about breaking up being fairly universal. It sucks and then you get over it.
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Re: When polyamory relationships end
Wed, May 21, 2008 - 6:10 PMSorry about that, Noel, I guess I misunderstood you. I'm glad you can let friendships like that go. There are some nasty asusmptions that people make, aren't there?
I can see what you mean. In my case, trying to support my lover through HIS breakup, the issue has been that my friends and relations simply don't "get" WHY this divorce should bother me at all, since on the surface it has nothing to do with me. Except that it does. And if I admit that, it looks like I'm the one who wrecked their family. Which I didn't.
And that turns into a whole new thread altogether: living in the closet.
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Re: When polyamory relationships end
Wed, May 21, 2008 - 8:55 PMOr "what were you expecting, anyway?"
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Re: When polyamory relationships end
Wed, May 21, 2008 - 9:12 PMBiggest difference I noticed was that the loss of one relationship when relationships are intertwined affects the other deeply. It took my boyfriend and I about 4 months to really turn into a "couple" after our girlfriend left. We'd had an exciting newish relationship before, but we were used to having another partner as a tie-breaker and as an intensifier. In addition, we had some blame and resentment towards each other about how the other relationship ended and how we each handled it. I'm guessing that some of that will apply to any breakup when other romances are present, even when relationships *look* independent. For instance, if you were used to escaping anything about your wife with your girlfriend, that outlet is probably gone (at least until you can find another girlfriend or a different hobby:). -
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Re: When polyamory relationships end
Wed, May 21, 2008 - 9:41 PMUmmmmm yes. This is where you help me understand that my crappy position is not unique, thanxyouverymux.
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Unsu...
Re: When polyamory relationships end
Wed, May 21, 2008 - 9:52 PMThe main feature I've noticed of poly breakups is that you can have two or more at once, or in rapid succession. That's sort of challenging--people usually don't mention that when they're talking about the advantages of the poly lifestyle!
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Re: When polyamory relationships end
Sat, May 24, 2008 - 12:18 PMMy most recent break-up (our second, actually)
was the most amazing, healthy, responsible, mature, honest, resolute,
discussion about parting ways that I've ever experienced.
I'm so proud of both of us,
for how maturely we behaved
and how honestly we expressed ourselves.
I think the ending of any relationship is as unique as the partners within it.
The only difference I've noticed about breakups
while in a monogamous relationship
or polyamorous relationships, is that
when poly, you and your partners may all be affected by the breakup,
in ways that friends are not when you're monogamous.
Sometimes that results in you're having more support through a breakup,
sometimes it means more complications, consequences or communication. -
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Re: When polyamory relationships end
Sun, May 25, 2008 - 9:07 AM"I think the ending of any relationship is as unique as the partners within it."
Exactly, in my opinion anyhow, but, in this situation, on this topic, I'm pretty damned confident (some might say to the point of arrogance) about that opinion. :)
I even expand the thought;
I think that everything about a relationship is as unique as the partners within it. -
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Re: When polyamory relationships end
Sun, May 25, 2008 - 9:01 PMOne of the things that I have noticed is that as I grew into being better at Polyamory I also got better at breaking up with people in a way that didn't cause collateral damage to those around me. Often in monogamous breakups there is a seperating of friends into "his friends" and "her friends" (assuming their hetero), a lot of rumor mongering or gossip, and then possible jealousy issues if one or the other finds a partner soon after the break up. Polyamory doesn't seem to have these same presumptions about what "breaking up" has to look like and how it should be handled leaving us to be more creative with our understandings about post-relationship interaction. -
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Re: When polyamory relationships end
Mon, May 26, 2008 - 2:37 AM"I also got better at breaking up with people in a way that didn't cause collateral damage to those around me"
That's very cool. -
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Re: When polyamory relationships end
Mon, May 26, 2008 - 9:25 AMIt takes a lot of work. A lot of holding your tongue when you're hurting, finding out who you can really trust to not cause problems in your community, and also answering a lot of personal questions without dragging out ugly details. It also takes some effort not to turn your friends into your emotional garbage dump and resisting the urge to get even for your emotional pain.
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Re: When polyamory relationships end
Mon, May 26, 2008 - 9:46 AMYep, that's about right.
When OLQ (The quad I was in) broke up, we all chose to keep the private crap out of the public eye. I think we succeeded mostly.
At least, nothing's getting back to ME! *grin* I like that.
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