How did/do you know you are "Poly?"

Read /Stranger in a Strange Land/ at 14 and decided it made sense.

Stop looking at me like that, I'm serious!

I've always known I wanted an open relationship. I was pretty sure by the time I was ten ('cause, you know, ten-year-olds know what they want) that I'd most prefer a small, open "family" of lovers, and that it'd be best of all if they were on "family" terms with one another, as well. My fantasies? Mmmmm, let's just say they were poly-friendly from a fairly tender age. I suppressed the desire for a few years at the beginning of my young marriage, though I was honest about it, and had been both somewhat active and vocal about it when I was a teenager. I was successful in monogamy largely because I lived in a small rural community, and I was young, and the local dating pool just didn't appeal to me. As soon as I moved somewhere with a dating pool that *did* appeal to me, monogamy began to chafe, chafe, chafe.

I've never really wanted to go back, though I've definitely had some trials (a FOAF has described polyamory thus: All the tedium of marriage, all the heartbreak of dating... for me, it's the heartbreak that has most made me want to quit, become a shut-in, and not date ANYONE EVER AGAIN... I'm guessing I'd have the same problem if I were monogamous). For the most part, I don't experience jealousy often (if really at all), though I do experience envy. This emotional gap is useful, but not necessary for poly livin', and it seems more a thing that is born of my personal quirks than a thing that qualifies or disqualifies one as poly. I love group sex. I read Heinlein too young. I also was addicted to Marion Zimmer Bradley's Darkover series by the time I was 11 (Eek, I'm such a geek.). I love to watch people love one another. I love to watch people having fun. I love to have flexibility in my life. All these things together mean that, despite my introversion, despite my bouts of misanthropy (oops, Noel, I've no intention to swipe your tagline), and despite the difficulty and rarity of finding someone whose eyes I *want* to gaze into, I call myself poly.

I grew up in a conservative midwestern town. One day my best friend, my ex who had started dating him and I were hanging out in my room. It was one of the first times the three of us had hung out together since she and I split up. We went from sitting around listening to music to her in his lap and me between her legs making out like mad children.

That... I'd say... was the first time. But then, you could say that was just a kneejerk reaction to an awkward situation mixed with adolescent hormones.

I was still dating, and eventually ended up with a girlfriend of my own. The relationship between my best friend, my ex, and I had relaxed a bit by then and we no longer defined ourselves as ex this or dating that. Eventually the girl I was with fell into the fold and that lasted for several weeks.

Let me tell you, there is nothing quite like the look you get walking your two girlfriends to class and doing the whole high-school parting make-out thing with each of them in a central KS high-school with a population of about 700. lol

That was when I realized I could maintain something like that. There are other stories, hell there are BETTER stories, but that's the first.

;)

This tribe has the best discussions!

I am another who read SiaSL at an impressionable age, but nevertheless tried to be "normal" in a monogamous marriage, until I found out I was the only one being monogamous. After that I was serially monogamous for many years, until I fell in love with a man who was in a happy poly group and had been for a long time. If I wanted him in my life I knew was going to have to adapt to the situation. That was seven years ago. With some gentle guidance and lots of patience from him (and Dossie Easton) I am now comfortable seeing others and comfortable with "sharing" my first poly love and I wouldn't have it any other way. I am happier today with my life than I have ever been.

Unfortunately I am no longer able to read any Heinlein books. The oddest thing happened - - the older I got, the more sexist his books became. They are now intolerable for me because of this.

Like Noel I found Heinlein.

I have no practical experience with Poly. The one time my wife took a new partner didn't work so well. But, the theory is solid.

My trek started about the age of six.. I never 'got' monogamy. I always questioned it philosophically (OK, I was the kid who explained existentialism to my 4th Grade Teacher). I also read Heinlein: MIAHM, SIASL, Friday, Methusela's Children, etc. I don't think I got the idea from him, but his take on the whole thing made much more sense to me than 'Share everything with your playmates except your playmates". Then I found Jesus and spent 20 years trying to convince myself that monogamy made sense, except that it didn't. I can even prove that the Bible doesn't actually require it in the way that it is preached today. Two girl-friends in the 11th Grade at the same time. I wasn't sleeping with either one (I was a Good Christian, after all), but they didn't mind the arrangement. In fact, we would sometimes go places together as a triple. The other girls in the Church Group had a problem with it, and finally talked me into making a choice. Skip ahead a few years. First marriage, first child. My wife's Maid of Honor is living with us right after the baby is born. A threesome ensues and we end up in an open marriage for 6 months. I just can't deal with the Spiritual Hypocracy, and we close it again (well, I did. She continued with a few of my friends who thought I was in the know). Divorce, new marriage. Three years into that marriage and we ended up in a foursome with a couple we were counseling on behalf of our church. Ended up being excommunicated from that church. Fast forward 5 years, 2nd Wife and I finally left the church (though for different reasons) and 'Opened Up' our marriage. That lasted two years until our marriage disolved (we are still friends and I credit poly with saving the friendship). Attempted several mono relationships over the next six years, until I decided I just wasn't going to go there anymore. About then I got together with my 3rd-and-current wife, who had reached the same conclusion in her life. Synchrocity!

Unlike most, it seems, I didn't read SiaSL until this year (and finally did because of how often it was referenced on this tribe - liked it a lot!)

I did serial monogamy fine for a long time. Between years of mono were years of what most people would describe in retrospect as some form or another of polyamory. I had my relatively indiscriminant promiscuous years when I was younger and pretty quickly bored of that. Between mono relationships I had multiple lovers, almost always including substantial emotional involvement, with the occasional fling for good measure. Hadn't heard the word "polyamory" and figured this was just what I did between attempts at what I ought to do.

I experienced less emotional stress in these situations than in my monogamous relationships. My partners were more honest and forthcoming with me. My monogamous partners weren't liars and very rarely cheaters but they seemed to have an investment in sometimes remaining ignorant to certain dynamics (i.e. bullshit.) The more open scenarios bred more direct honesty (less bullshit) so I always felt like I knew exactly where I stood and that helped me feel more comfortable and secure. I'm very sensitive to bullshit. Even if it's unintentional bullshit. The more comfortable and secure (safe) I felt, the more closely matched my behavior was to my beliefs and values. I liked myself and my role in these relationships better. But I still thought it was what I did between attempts at mono.

My polyamorous bisexual cousin who I had not seen in 20 yrs moved back to NYC from the SF Bay area and got in contact with me. She came out to me on both fronts, by email, with her fingers crossed that I wouldn't freak out and decide not to reunite. Instead, I expressed immediate envy, did a google search on the word "polyamory" and bought the Ethical Slut on Amazon.com. That happened 5 or 6 years ago. Now I'm a polyamorous bisexual and that cousin (who I'm now close with) is monogamous and gay. Hey, you never know.

Good question, J.C.

I never thought of myself as poly, because I didn't identify with the label. Back in the mid to late 70s, I felt that I was making my own rules for the way that I wanted to live and never consciously said that I wanted multiple partners. It didn't work that way for me. Even though I lived in a small rural Midwest farm town, I felt free enough to have things my way. In the beginning years of my biker lifestyle, I had five boyfriends for five years. These were concurrent relationships. The men all came to know eachother or of eachother. There never was a problem for any of us. Long term commitment felt too oppressive to me; I always made that clear. Eventually, as my boyfriends moved into their 30s, they wanted to have children and families. I became single and also available for marriage. I married. In my marriage, I felt content with being with one man and in a relationship where I did not have intimate involvement with other people like I had been during those five years.

I never thought of myself as being Ploy until i moved to California and met real life/real time Tribe friends like J.C and Matt and Austino and Wes and Bob. (thanks guys!) With your academic input, I learned to give those early biker years relationships a name. (the memory is more fun without an identifying label) I also learned that even if I was in a one-on-one committed relationship with someone, just by attending a workshop with another man, ( a man outside of my one-on-one), I could be labeled "poly".

So during the five years that I was fully living an explicit poly lifestyle, I never felt that I was poly. It wasn't until the California clan gave multiple/simultaneous relationships a name that I realized that I have the potential to be POLY.

I read Heinlein in high school and in hindsight, I can see that my group of high school friends were poly. But again, it seemed more like the natural flow of our youth than with any conscious choice to claim to live and love outside of the current social offering of monogamy. It appeared that eventually everyone would go the way of one-on-one relationships but maintain enough spaciousness to care about many others.

With all this said, I feel that I have the potential to be poly, but I long for another long term, one on one relationship.

Thanks again for this question, J.C.!

I never have read Stranger in a Strange Land nor did I have any inkling early on I was poly. I wish I had some perfect story for how it happened, but it was kinda messy and involved cheating before honesty. I actually got a lot of my ideas from punk and underground zines that had articles on non-monogamy, sexual freedom and sexual equality and some poly people through the punk scene.

See, I'm one of those people who doesn't believe I AM poly or AM mono. For me, it is absolutely NOT the equivalent of being gay, straight, or bi. I don't disagree with those who do, because I'm sure it's true for them. But for me, they are two modes of behavior and relationship styles that I can choose between.

I was great at being mono. I was only slightly tempted to cheat twice in 7 years, but never got anywhere close (didn't even kiss). Choosing to live as poly was a very long, gradual opening process my husband and I went through. Now there are people who look to my husband and me as role models for a poly couple. And I wouldn't trade the experiences I have had as poly for the world. But i also know it's hard. I also know that being mono, especially over the long haul, is hard. I think both have their challenges and both have their joys. It's a matter of deciding which brings you the greater joy for the challenges you have to face.

It's hard to imagine going "back" to being mono now. But I can imagine having periods where my husband and I are both without other lovers at the same time. I no longer feel the need to pursue other relationships actively (by on-line dating, for example), but rather to let people come into my life as they may. So, I'm sure I will have times when I am not seeing anyone other than my darling spouse.

Perhaps I'm not really answering your question, though I think I am. I don't think you have to "know". I still don't "know". I don't believe there is one right answer for me. I think I could be either mono or poly. Maybe you are the same. So instead of looking for that magic answer, and doubting whether you "are" or "aren't" poly, try looking at it as a choice. It's a pair of shoes to try on. Maybe you'll decide they don't fit, or maybe they just need a little breaking in and after awhile they'll feel comfy. Maybe you need to wear these shoes right now because of the relationship you are in. But they don't have to be the only shoes you'll ever wear.

Does that make any sense?

I, too, read Stranger in a Strange Land as an adolescent, and although I thought (at the time) that it wayway weird, it made sense.

I also fantasized about both genders, and thought that *I* was wayway weird. I now know -- and accept -- that I'm normal.

But what convinced me, at about the age of eighteen, that I had a different mindset regarding relationships was the hook of an old Isley Brothers tune -- "If you can't be with the one you love, honey, love the one you're with....love the one you're with....love the one you're with........."

And I know I'm not wayway weird.

TJ