Polyamory's topics - tribe.net

Need "Taken" sign on forehead?

2009-11-07T22:56:13Z

So last night, one of my associates in a volunteer group asked me if I'd be interested in a blind date with one of her friends -- "a nice girl, you'd be perfect for her". I'm very flattered but had to say a polite "no".

Now, maybe, to some people, that's not particularly poly of me. But the fact is I'm on one side of a poly-fidelitous vee. Life is good, and busy, and I have no reason to be looking at other intimate relationships.

By my associate doesn't know that. She just knows I'm divorced and live with a married couple and am, apparently, dateable. So we all had a good chuckle about it around here.

It makes me wonder a bit about how much people need to know. We've only used, and explained, the term "poly family" with few close friends. We act like a family when talking to teachers and other people who interact with our kids. But that behaviour doesn't confer a particular relationship status on me. And, so far, nobody's noticed (or said that they've noticed) that Katie and I wear identical rings on our pinky fingers.

So, what to do? Politely decline, as I did? Explain why? I find myself wondering what she's thinking now. Am I asexual? gay? chicken? Does that matter?

What a world it would be if she turned around and asked my partner's husband if he was interested!!!! LOL!

posted in Polyamory - 10 replies

10 Tips for Great Poly Relationships

2009-11-07T12:15:29Z

from http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/2009/10/12/ten-tips-to-great-poly-relationships/

This is my top ten things you can do for great multiple relationships.

1. Don’t try to be a “good” poly person.

If you’ve been reading online material a lot, you may have developed an idea of what a good polyamorous person should be doing, and you may be trying to tie yourself into knots trying to do that.

Stoppit. You’re allowed to work out between yourself and your loves what you all want your unique relationships to look like. They don’t even have to be Polyamorous Misanthrope Approved [1] as long as all of you are happy in it.

2. Get over yourself.

Sure you want the world to be about you. It ain’t. Being ego-centric is a lousy way to have good relationships. A little humility goes a long way.

3. Believe your partners.

One of the biggest relationship monkey wrenches I ever encounter is the terrible habit of trying to interpret what a partner is thinking instead of paying attention to the actual words used. If you act on what your partner actually says, you’re doing two things. You’re not trying to mind-read (always a bad move, because you can get it badly wrong), and you’re training your partner to speak up and say what they genuinely mean.

4. Say what you mean as best you can.

Of course the flip side to #3 is that you need to say what you mean, too. Yes, that means sometimes you’ll have to think before you speak and act.

5. Have fun.

Many people have this idea that relationships are deadly serious. They’re not. Important? Sure. But enjoy your partners. Laugh. Play. Be silly.

6. Be willing to be vulnerable.

This can be really hard, ’specially if you’ve been hurt a lot. Just be careful not to use that vulnerability as a club to beat someone with. That’s not being genuinely vulnerable, anyway. There’s another name for it and it’s Not Nice.

7. Be willing to be flexible.

Sure, there are some rigid dealbreakers in anyone’s life. If you have more than three or four, I invite you to examine the joys of serendipity. Relationships grow, change and evolve all the time — even monogamous ones. Don’t be too tied into the One Right Way to Be in Love.

8. Roll with it, baby.

There are times when emotions or events can blindside you. It happens and that’s okay. Accepting that you will get zinged by things sometimes is a good way to be prepared not to react in an unloving way when you are. If something smacks you in the expectation, getting indignant isn’t as helpful as calming down and thinking.

9. Remember your loves are separate from you.

Your loves are separate people with different thoughts, feelings and expectations than you have. Get to know them. Get to understand them down into their bones.

10. Is it about love?

It’s a good idea to ask yourself from time to time, “Am I behaving in a loving manner?” Love’s important. I know I’m a cranky old bat and all, but when you get down to it, love is probably the most important force in the world. Love your partners, for pity’s sake. It’s what makes the whole thing worthwhile.

[1] And stop pretending to have a heart attack. That joke’s ancient.

posted in Polyamory - 17 replies

Relationship Chart v.2

2009-11-07T10:48:02Z

I've taken another hack at the previous relationship chart I created:

http://polyamory.tribe.net/photos/f16662a7-d6b1-4e8d-8054-4783c95915d9

...and updated it to (hopefully) make it read a smidge easier:

http://polyamory.tribe.net/photos/56c60001-b83a-4f85-84ce-a67f838f886f

As always, I welcome your critiques and questions.

posted in Polyamory - 5 replies

always amazed at the way relationships "shift" when truly poly.

2009-11-05T17:23:38Z

Been recently dealing with a major shift in my household. My "primary" and I have decided to take some space from being "primarys" but are still living together. Of course some of my mono friends don't know "how the hell you could do that" but really, it is more then just sex. It's about friendship and real love. When real love is involved, you just want the person you love to be happy, no matter how much it hurts right? and mainly, YOU want to be happy and loved!

It's been hard, but it's a transformation. I'm also sick and tired of proccessing all this, ever get to that point? just tired of talking....oh, and I also got the "you over communicate" from a new person I was dating lately, which definitely struck a chord. I guess I've always been "all cards on the table" kinda gal, since I'd rather be hurt knowing the truth, rather then happy with a life of lies, like most people.

So how have your relationships 'shifted' for the better? how has poly helped you be more of an adult? lol.

been awhile, <3
Angi

posted in Polyamory - 2 replies

A Polyamorous Invocation

2009-10-27T09:18:19Z

From the point of Light within the mind of God, let Polyamorous Light shine forth into the minds of men and women. Let the Light of group love descend on Earth.
From the point of Love within the heart of God, let Group Love stream forth into the hearts of men and women. May Polyamorous Love return to Earth.
From the center where the Will of God is known, let Group Purpose guide the wills of humanity---the purpose which the angels know and serve.
From the center which we call the race of men and women, let the Plan of Polyamorous love and light work out, and may it seal the door where evil dwells.
Let the Light and Love and Ecstasy of Polyamory restore God's Plan on Earth.

posted in Polyamory - 0 replies

A Trisexual's Prayer

2009-10-27T09:04:47Z

Our Friend who is in Heaven, hallowed be Your Name. Your Triad Kingdom come; your Polyamorous Will be done on Earth as it IS in Heaven. Give us this day our daily bread of Life in abundance....Deliver us from possessiveness and jealousy, and deliver us from prejudice and bigotry. For Yours is the Kingdom of Polyamorous Love, the power and the glory of Threesome sexuality forever and ever. Amen!

posted in Polyamory - 0 replies

"Please stay good, Sam!"

2009-10-20T19:20:58Z

Speaking of what to do when faced with the choice of good or evil...

So, let's say you and your partners are all fine and dandy. Everyone's happy.

Then someone else gets added to the mix. By and large, they seem okay, and of course, as with all new people, it's just going to take some time before you can learn what THEIR nuttiness is.

So, some time goes on, integration is fairly decent, and then something happens. no big thing, but for some reason, the relatively new person and some other partner are at odds. Kinda to the point where it seems as if both of them are acting a wee bit crazy.

What do you do? How do you handle that? What if now at this point, someone says "Yeah, i thought I liked that person, but now they suck. Dump 'em."

If you don't dump 'em, are you in dutch with your partners, or is is a Serious Firing Offense?

Discuss!

posted in Polyamory - 19 replies

Boundaries and Ex's

2009-10-20T14:45:02Z

Hey everyone - how involved should ex-partners be in the creation/approval of boundaries and new agreements? My partner and I have been together for over 3 years and he has broken up with his other partner but have decided to remain friends. I expressed my discomfort with him staying the night and asked that he agree to that as an agreement. So no sleepovers. He agreed and now she's mad that she wasn't part of that decision. As an ex, does she have a say in agreements and boundaries he and I establish? Was I wrong to exclude her?

posted in Polyamory - 32 replies

Are primary and secondary designations necessary or are they just an attempt to oppress newcomers?

2009-10-20T03:07:41Z

Supposing you're in a long-term relationship and a newcomer joins. Should a newcomer be secondary, or is this unfair? Should everyone have instant, or relatively quick, equal status with everyone else, or should "status" evolve through a process? What might such a process involve?

What are the implications of both approaches, and what are your feelings about them and experiences with them?

posted in Polyamory - 9 replies

On the verge.

2009-10-18T08:31:59Z

After 19 years and four kids together, I'm on the verge of seeing my wife spend the night with her new additional partner. The first signs of my wife's poly tendencies reached me nine years ago and this has been a long hard journey for me. Tomorrow when we leave for work, I won't see her till Saturday afternoon, at which time, another man will have been where only I have been for 19 years. Any support you might offer me in the next 48 hours would be appreciated.

Ian.

posted in Polyamory - 20 replies

Patterns I see in the poly community.

2009-10-15T04:30:25Z

I have met many poly people the past couple year and there are a couple of patterns I am starting to recognize:

1) When a monogamous couple transitions to poly, it is usually the wife who is drives it, sometimes even demands it as an ultimatum -- and usually it is the woman who takes on a new lover first. Men have told me this transition is very hard on them... they will either stick it out or leave depending on how much they love their wife, and their own ability to fine additional mates. Most people I know outside of poly think it's the husband that pushes this idea of poly because he just wants’ to get his rocks off. They believe poly is mostly about sex. On the contrary poly is very much about "sex and relationships", not just “sex”, which is more in line with how women tick. Maybe that explains why.
2) I see that women in general tend to be more monogamous than men (with men). They stick with their man... until he pisses her off enough to leave him, then she’ll dump him for another. I have found in my experience that most women find the idea of having more than one man as a lover is absolutely disgusting. However there are a significant number of poly women who prefer this arrangement. In my experience I have noticed a number of these women that I know also identify them as bipolar. My wife too is bipolar and very interested in this lifestyle. I am wondering if there is a relationship between polygamous needs and bipolar. Don’t take this the wrong way. I am not trying to make the point that this is a disease that needs to be treated, in fact these women I know ARE treated bipolar, but it doesn’t seem to change their preference for poly. The point I am making is if this is sort of like why gay people are gay and straight people are straight. If it is something you are born with… my wife seems to be making this argument. I am having difficulty opposing it.

Agree or disagree... just some thoughts based on my experiences.

posted in Polyamory - 10 replies

I just got dumped because of my poly/kink tribes!

2009-10-14T06:33:36Z

A girl I just started messing around with, who I never made any commitment with (nor treated like a sex object) just dumped me because she looked me up on tribe and saw the polyamory and kink tribes I belong to! She is no puritan nor against one night stands! Well, its kind of funny, let that be a lesson to anyone who has not considered the possibility that anyone can look you up on tribe and see what you are up too! I am not ashamed!

posted in Polyamory - 8 replies

Yes I am now Kip...

2009-10-11T21:49:12Z

Kip the Great. Kip the Wonderful. I have been bitten by poly and taken on a new life, a new spiritial path, a new identity... though the main reason is the thought of someone I know identifying me on here just scares the bejesus out of me -- so I admit the reason for it isn't that deep. I was giving too much info that could identify me so I mixed it up a bit.

posted in Polyamory - 1 reply

I Need The Practice Ladies or couples, Would You Like An Awesome FREE MASSAGE

2009-10-11T16:18:42Z

I Need The Practice Ladies or couples, Would You Like An Awesome *FREE MASSAGE*

I am looking to give a wonderfully relaxing full body sensual massage, and it's totally FREE, no strings! The massage is a very soothing soft sensual touch massage with warming oil, it's very relaxing, with candles and soft music in the background.

I am a very laid back and respectful. I'm white, good shape, athletic body, very fit, brown hair, brown eyes, well groomed, and I smell nice too...lol. I have a face picture that I will gladly forward to you if you are interested…..I can host. If you are interested in the massage this week please send your photo, and we can get started right away.
First come first served!

posted in Polyamory - 0 replies

New poly discussion group starting up in Vancouver.

2009-10-07T18:25:35Z

We're going to be hosting a poly discussion group at our home in NE Vancouver starting the 11th of February (2nd Wednesday of the month) from 7-9pm. It will be moderated, and 2-4 topics will be chosen in advance. to hash over for the evening

We're also interested in getting input as to what types of topics people are interested in talking about. Particularly of interest are the chewy, tough, complicated issues that you may have run across!

If you have any input, or are interested in attending, please contact me directly, and I'll be happy to get you the location and topics for the upcoming meeting!

posted in Polyamory - 19 replies

POLY GROUP IN RICHMOND VIRGINIA

2009-10-06T21:32:45Z

Howdy all!
Me and my beautiful wife are putting together a support/informational/friendly Polyamory group that meets in Richmond, VA. The idea is for people who are interested or new to poly and those who have been living the life for a while to come together and discuss topics and issues that affect us all. All poly groups are welcome (singles, couples, triads, quads, more) and all gender preferences and orientations!
We're working on having our first Poly Potluck on the first Sunday in November. In the future we're planning on putting together outings to the park, festivals, or wherever for fun and family togetherness. Details are being hammered out in the meantime, but if you're interested, please let me know!! Feel free to message me!!

Can't wait to meet some of you fantastic poly people!

-Kilted Bacchus

posted in Polyamory - 0 replies

Mono+Poly: IS THERE HOPE?

2009-10-06T04:25:20Z

I've been polyamorously oriented for as long as I can remember, and have identified myself as polyamorous for about 5 years. Navigating my relationships in this way I have seen much growth and healing within myself and among the beautiful polyamorous community I have found. I have embraced myself as poly, and could not imagine ever denying this part of myself. My life is so rich because of the love and intimacy I have shared with all my lovers.

Recently I've fallen in love with a monogamously-oriented man, who has never been exposed to polyamory; heard of yes, but has never known anyone who practised it and has never been attracted to it. Being from different cities we have kept a casual and distant admiration of each other for a couple of years. The communication is amazing and we have been open and clear about things from the start. Now that we are considering a more than casual relationship though, the issue of this difference between us has been on the forefront.

He is open to learning about polyamory and what it involves, and is an excellent communicator, therefore I know there is much hope. I'm also open to understanding his orientation and what it means to him. He's got me mono-curious, and I'd say he's somewhat poly-curious. He's starting to examine what's behind his jealousies and that is an amazing start for someone who seemed very firm about his monogamy. I think it's because he knows that I am such a free spirit and that I could never fit in the monogamy box. We both know that we cannot change each other's ways (nor would we wish to), for we love each other. So we've agreed to a trial period to see if we can meet in the middle somehow... drop the titles of "mono" and "poly" and just communicate about how we feel in the flow.

Do you think that there is a middle to be found?
Can one person be mono and the other poly and it still work?
Anything you'd advise me to keep in mind going into this?
Is there hope or do you think this is a painfully futile endeaver?

posted in Polyamory - 10 replies

Poly failure...

2009-10-05T23:05:50Z

Well I guess I have failed as a poly. I have been on this blog promoting a poly lifestyle and here my own insecurities have gotten the best of me in my own relationship. My wife and I have always had friends we hooked up with, but her most recent relationship has been different. She has completely fallen for this person and the feelings are mutual for him. It all happened quite quickly. She would think about him every minute of the day, be so intimidate with him, and even write poetry about him... and she would write poetry about me too in this arrangement though it wasn't helpful. I couldn't handle it. It made me feel so uneasy, so alone, and so heartbroken. Heartbroken? Yes heartbroken! WTF!
I tried so hard not to have these feelings. Really. I tried meditating, occupying myself with something else, even tried to establish a good relationship with her lover... anything to make this more bearable, but I couldn't do it. My negative feeling only became stronger. We worked it out and she has put the relationship on hold though it is really tough for her. I didn't ask her to do this, but she knew it was probably best, because I couldn't help but try and separate myself from this all to subside the pain. I have learned something about myself. I can handle sharing my wife’s body and mind, but I can't handle sharing her soul. Maybe that will change in time but that is where I am at right now.

posted in Polyamory - 10 replies

Looking for friends in Boie, Idaho

2009-10-04T16:23:43Z

Like minded

posted in Polyamory - 0 replies

Boise, Id and looking

2009-10-02T19:55:14Z

come see me xxxboise@yahoo.com

posted in Polyamory - 4 replies

What is on my mind at the moment...

2009-10-01T00:51:42Z

Upon the ocean of time I ponder,
As our love has sailed through uncharted waters,
What dangers lurk in these depths?
In the wind’s direction she continues to wonder.

I taste love's nectar,
It is sweet yet sickening.
I smell love's aroma,
It is pleasant yet suffocating.
I push love away yet I cannot live without it.

Upon the oceans of time I ponder,
As our love has sailed through uncharted waters,
I continue to navigate these seas with my lover,
Looking for a destination with peaceful calm waters

posted in Polyamory - 1 reply

Party tips?

2009-10-01T00:50:23Z

A recent party left me frazzled and feeling pulled in all different directions. I felt constantly shuttled between past, present and wannabe lovers. Anyone have any tips for retaining sanity and giving everyone a little attention when they *all* show up at once?

posted in Polyamory - 15 replies

Bigotry and its effects on one poly man

2009-09-30T01:03:12Z

I honestly feel that being poly is as much a sexual orientation as being straight, bi, or gay. To me monogamy and plyamory, as well as polyfidelity, are all linked just as the straight/bi/gay paradigm. As such I have ever struggled with my sexuality in the western world where such practices are often frowned upon and in some places are actually illegal. Imagine that: a sex crime. What is this, an Orwellian society?

Recently I was able to put a name to how I have always felt, though before there was much struggle and hardship in relationships as I strained to conform to what was expected of me in a relationship. Despite having dated and been briefly married to primarily bisexual women, things just never worked out. I was living in the midwest at the time (Oklahoma to be specific) and the only "alternative" sexualities were gays and swingers, both made me rather uncomfortable in that it just wasn't right for me.

Over the years I have come to find a deeper and more mature understanding of how I feel and what kind of relationship I want to have. However, I have yet to be able to find a receptive partner due to being somewhat of a social recluse. My reclusiveness was a direct result of feeling awkward in public around so many beautiful and attractive women. But, having been raised in an environment of exclusivity and having that been re-enforced by monogamous bisexual women trying to manipulate the relationships I was in to their ends rather than open love has led me to a place of awkwardness and self contiousness.

Though I am fully aware of my feelings the actions of others have left me feeling somewhat insecure, and though I am polyamorous by nature, I find that because of my experiences I am, for the time being, stipened by only being able to handle polyfidelity, where love is free and open but the relationship is closed beyond three people. I just dont feel that I could handle any more than that. The bigotous nature of the western world has harmed myself and many others of a similar nature whom I have spoken with at length. It is no different than being persecuted for being bi or gay, yet there is very little awareness and thus much fear and contemptment for our kind.

The worst part of all of this is that while there was nothing inherently wrong with how I was feeling, I was not able to comprehend the full implications of it since I had never had any exposure to it. As a direct result I found myself contemplating cheating on my lovers over the years, thankfully I was stronger than to give in to my baser instincts and was able to stave off seriously hurting anyone through the relationally destructive act of cheating.

As I previously stated I have recently been able to put a name to what I have always been, and as such had to address this self discovery with my significant other. She herself had dabbled with the prospect of polyamory in the past, however it was while with abusive and controlling men whom were really just looking for a justification to cheat as there was no honesty or compassion being expressed or reciprocated. To further complicate matters her previous bisexual lover came back with her new boyfriend wanting to have a triad with her. The down side is that the man involved was acting on the same motives of control and abuse as all the other men she had been with in such a relationship. I have discussed things with her and, over many tears, she was able to express her fears which I have been able to put mostly at ease. Though I do not believe she is opposed to a polyamorous relationship, she is definately scarred from the past making things rather difficult for both of us.

In the end we have been able to come to the agreement that I would be limited to one other partner with no sexual contact, which is definately a step in the right direction. My main fear however is not for this relationship but rather for all of the other people out there that are experiencing the same issues and pains as a result of past manipulation and bigotry in the Untied States and parts of the EU (though the EU is much better off and much more open than the US). Having been badly emotionally scarred by the actions and predjudices of the mainstream I understand a deep need for awareness and open expressiveness that is lacking in modern American society. I have become aware of the awareness rallies yet do not feel that I could participate in them due to the nature of my situation.

The point of all of this is to thank those that openly fight for poly rights. Rest assured that those of us that cannot do the same are eternally greatfull for your time and efforts. I only pray that in time the injustices that have scarred so many will be a thing of the past.

From what I have been able to surmise certain parts of the country are very repressed, and it is those parts of the country that produce stories like mine numbering in the thousands. It is my hope that as awareness grows the number of people that put themselves through hell trying to conform to a social "norm" that just isn't for them will decrease sharply.

As for me the time of healing is just beggining, and a long hard road it will be. Thankfully after moving to Sacramento, CA I have found a few friends that understand and support me in this as well as one poly woman that has been instrumental in helping me become self aware. Now that I have been made aware of the existance of a community of like minded people I believe that emotional healing is forthcoming and I will finally be able to find my way.

posted in Polyamory - 8 replies

Jesus Spoke of Polyamory

2009-09-19T23:48:42Z

Jesus likened the Kingdom of Heaven to a Polygamous marriage. I quote from 'The Gospel of Matthew, Chapter 25' of the New Testament:

Jesus said, "Then the kingdom of heaven shall be likened to ten virgins who took their lamps and went out to meet the bridegroom. Now five of them were wise, and five were foolish.......And while they (the 5 foolish virgins) went to buy (oil for their lamps), the bridegroom came, and those who were ready (the 5 wise virgins) went in with him to the wedding; and the door was shut......."

posted in Polyamory - 42 replies

Poly in Minneapolis?

2009-09-12T18:07:40Z

To make a long story short; I am a poly inclined person living in Minneapolis Minnesota and I am looking to find some poly discussion and/or support groups. Does anyone know of any? Any help would be appreciated.

posted in Polyamory - 5 replies

Is opening your marriage really a marriage?

2009-09-11T01:44:28Z

Being poly I wonder if my marriage really has any meaning to it. It does of course as far as having a loving relationship with my partner, but we all know there is more to a 'traditional' marriage than just having a relationship. I assume most of you are familiar with the vows that are exchanged at the altar before family and a monotheistic G-d.

If you think about it, in the context of a poly lifestyle, is there really any point in having a marriage? The whole concept of it seems moot to me. Every year when our anniversary comes around I admit having confused feelings. Of course our anniversary is the celebration of our relationship, but it also feels like we are celebrating our marital vows, and I end up feeling a little awkward. When someone asks me if I am married, or if that is my wedding ring, I say "Yes.". What I feel like saying is 'Yes... kinda.". Am I wrong to feel this way?

posted in Polyamory - 11 replies

New Poly Article In Newsweek

2009-09-09T17:36:23Z

http://www.newsweek.com/id/209164

posted in Polyamory - 17 replies

Poly or Non-Poly

2009-09-08T01:43:55Z

After much thought, and little action, I've concluded that I am not poly after all. If what I crave is mainly a heart connection with other souls, and mental stimulation from other brains, then I am better off thinking of myself as a very loving, lovable, and mental being. The sexual attraction I feel could be viewed as a side effect of coming into contact with attractive females, whose company I crave primarily for non-sexual reasons. I recently completed the Level I HAI workshop at Harbin, and it was indeed a life changing experience. I realized I was not as sexual a being as I thought. Sensual-yes. I am extremely tactile, and very experiential in my approach to life. I have always had to go to the extreme to test the reality of this world. This has occasionally resulted in some degree of trouble, although nothing permanent or serious, at least from my current perspective. HAI was indeed helpful in opening my heart, turning my introversion into extroversion (which I had always thought to be impossible), and improving my relationship with my beloved partner.
Love to ALL beings.
Jeffree

posted in Polyamory - 0 replies

PEG-ASS-US returns to NYC (all of OCTOBER!)

2009-09-07T22:10:23Z

PEG-ASS-US
A wholesome play about butt-sex, with puppetry, song, dance, and...
mythical creatures!

Winner, Best Comedy - 2008 San Francisco Fringe Festival
"Sex-ed at its best!" Drs. Carol Queen & Robert Lawrence (Center for Sex & Culture, SF)

John Leo and Sophie Nimmannit have crafted perhaps the silliest, most heartfelt romantic comedy about anal sex imaginable. Build in their passionate lover's quarrels that unearth the messy entanglements of desire, fear, the need for acceptance, the hope for a sexual revolution – and the duo bumbles to a climax where everyone gets off.

From Pack of Others, www.packofothers.org
Created & Performed by John Leo & Sophie Nimmannit
Directed by Leslie Strongwater

Fri's & Sat's at 10pm: October 2*, 3*, 9, 10, 16, 17, 23, 24

Dixon Place, 161A Chrystie Street (between Rivington and Delancey), NYC.
Tickets: (*$10 Previews) $15 General Admission / $12 Students & Seniors
Reservations: 212-219-0736, dixonplace.org

Watch the trailer: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DO0Iprzp5f4

**Warning: Explicit Content!**

posted in Polyamory - 3 replies

Jesus spoke to me through SMS... I may start my own Church.

2009-09-07T21:55:40Z

I would just like to share a spiritual experience I had the other day. Yesterday I started receiving these SMS messages once every 2 hrs that looked something like this... =+23sdfekjse134dlfjsdfsdf+=. The last one was like this =+jes777dfe23fsdf23fdw12+=. Notice the jes777? I think it was Jesus. So to get the facts straight up I replied back to the number xxxxx and asked straight up... "Are you Jesus"? There was no reply. Then I replied back again asking if Polyamory was a permissible lifestyle. The message I receive back sent shivers down my spine. It said 'This number is invalid". Jesus works in mysterious ways and I think he was trying to tell me something... but then there is the possibility he was just being an asshole and fucking with me.

On the other hand it is possible I was anointed with holy SMS to be the 'chosen leader' of a new Polyamory church. Of course as the spiritual leader I would have divine right as the primary for all women members in the church... as is the usual pattern in such cults. That is a given. If the divine spiritual leader can't get enough goochie to match his ego then what's the point?

Would anyone like to join? I have free cookies.

Skip.

posted in Polyamory - 7 replies

Hello we are new here

2009-09-06T15:00:28Z

We are a married couple in OK.
We are looking for a sisterwife and friends

posted in Polyamory - 0 replies

When did first decide to go poly?

2009-09-04T23:51:04Z

Did you find yourself in a pickle with two people? Or did you always have a feeling that this is how you wanted to live? What is your story?

Inquiring minds would like to know!!

posted in Polyamory - 12 replies

Off Topic - but fun But What about Fido and Fluffy?

2009-09-03T19:31:53Z

I thought I would share this website with everyone - given all of the Jesus talk and all.

Enjoy!

http://eternal-earthbound-pets.com/Home_Page.html

posted in Polyamory - 2 replies

Love

2009-09-02T03:10:30Z

Does anyone else twitch at the phrase "I have a lot of love to give"?

http://www.pampers.co.uk/en_GB/video/babyseyes.jsp

posted in Polyamory - 14 replies

New Misanthrope Column: I thought we were POLY

2009-08-25T14:37:08Z

Polyamory is about love and intimacy, right? So poly people are the lovingest, mostest intimate cuddlemuffins out there. If you find someone wants to keep the slightest bit of themselves to themselves, they’re not really poly. People that need space cannot possibly be polyamorous. They’re sneaky monsters with an agenda to torture the poor loving cuddlemuffins.

Okay, I can’t go on with this without laughing so hard I burn my sinuses with hot coffee.

Love certainly does have an intimate component. You’re not going to be able to have a loving relationship without a strong degree of intimate communication and interaction. Cranky misanthrope I might be, but even I know you can’t love in a box. It’s a two-way street, and you really do have to open yourself up to give and receive love. But sometimes you’ll object to a behavior only to hear, “But I thought we were poly!”

The problem comes in when people confuse loving intimacy with stomping on personal boundaries. Intimacy is closeness, but look out for some warning signs that say that what you’re experiencing is a boundary violation rather than intimacy:

* Emotional Blackmail

Emotional blackmail is use of negative emotions, especially guilt, to control behavior.

You probably won’t notice it the first time you experience it.

You’ll be approached, possibly hesitantly, and your love will say that something you did or didn’t do hurt. You’ll feel bad and try to correct your behavior. Now, ya know, in good relationships, sometimes you do screw up. It happens! You get called on it, and will get an explanation about how to avoid it in the future. That’s not emotional blackmail. That’s human. Don’t chalk every single time someone doesn’t like your behavior up to emotional blackmail. We’re none of us perfect.

It’ll be the second or third time within a relatively short period when you notice that it’s emotional blackmail. You’ll experience strong attempts to make you feel guilty. They might even work, if you don’t have a clear vision of good boundaries in place.

Luckily, you are in control of this. Take the time to make sure you have a good sense of what you’re okay with, how you want to behave and the person you want to be. When you’re solid and grounded in yourself and your own sense of who you want to be, it’s a lot harder to use guilt to manipulate you.

* Creeping Concessions

You know old canard that if you put a frog in a pan of cool water, then gradually heat it, the frog will not notice when the temperature rises to a dangerous degree and will boil to death?

While the literal story is false, the moral of the story has a point. You can agree to one small concession, right? That’s okay. Now if that small concession is treated as a precedent rather than a single exception,[1] someone who is ignoring boundaries is likely to ask for another oh, so small concession that’ll become a precedent, until you’ve found you conceded way the devil more than you ever intended.

You can’t blame this one on the other person, though. You’re responsible for your own boundaries. You’re in control of this one. If you give a concession, be clear whether it’s a precedent or a one-time deal! You’re responsible for communicating your intention, so you can handle this pretty easily when you get into the habit.

* Confusing intimacy with intrusiveness

Intimacy is voluntary. Intrusiveness involves a demand, sometimes combined with emotional blackmail. You get to decide what you’re okay with sharing or not. The other person doesn’t. Sure certain sorts of info can be dealbreakers,[2] but the person who owns the info is the person who gets to make the final call on this.

Do you get frequent calls at work? Do you find when you are not in the person’s physical presence that you get contacted more than you want? If you’re on vacation, are you called more often than you’d like, interrupting your free time[3]?

If you object to these things, do you get a tearful reproach about love and poly? Remember, even poly people are allowed to set boundaries about how they want to spend their time.

* Attempts to tell you how you are allowed to live

If you’re poly, ever had a new love tell you that you needed to change how you associate with an old love? Big time boundary violation. There are many others to choose from, but keep in mind that just because you have a romantic relationship with someone doesn’t mean you’re allowed to tell them what to do[4].

Good relationships require good boundaries, no matter what the relationship form. Far from separating loves from each other, a respect for a person’s individuality and free choice is a wonderful way to promote loving relationships –even with yourself. You’ll find that a careful respect of the other person’s free choice causes you to treasure the unique individuality of that person, allowing for even greater opportunities for love.

[1] But you agreed you had to bow to the North in respect for our relationship before you got in bed with your other partner, last time!

[2] Not wishing to share STD history leaps to mind.

[3] Notice the “more than you want to” caveat. You wanna spend your life on the phone with a love who isn’t physically present, enjoy. Free choice and all. This is about what you WANT.

[4] As an aside and slightly off topic, I’ve often found it amusing and confusing that sleeping with someone is perceived in our culture as granting the other person rights over you. You see it in sitcoms, where once a girl is sleeping with her love, she gets to “straighten him out” and reorder his life. The plot usually presents this as a good thing. I think it stinks.

posted in Polyamory - 1 reply

from MSN today...

2009-08-25T00:50:58Z

Liberated in Love: Can Open Marriage Work?
With actress Tilda Swinton declaring that three is company in her relationship, we explore whether giving up monogamy can set you free.

These days, when a bride floats down the aisle we think of a monogamous future in which she and her husband are blissfully faithful forever; anything else seems shocking, bohemian, perverse. Take the unusual and much-talked-about ménage of flame-haired actress Tilda Swinton. She lives in a large, rambling house in Scotland with her twins and their father, playwright John Byrne — and her lover, Sandro Kopp, a beautiful, shaggy-haired artist nearly 20 years younger than she is, sometimes lives there too. When pressed by reporters, she has called her arrangement "sane," which is about the last word most of us would associate with that kind of home life. "We are all a family," she has said. "What you must also know is that we are all very happy."

No doubt there are hidden difficulties that Swinton is not delving into. But is it possible that other ways of life can offer a rich or complicated kind of happiness? Is our idea of love perhaps too narrow, too literal, too unimaginative? The legendary journalist Gay Talese has been married to his glamorous editor wife, Nan, for 50 years this past June, and he is currently writing a book on their extraordinary and epic relationship. Over the years, he has had what he calls "romantic friendships" with other people, but the Taleses have maintained a closer and deeper connection than that of many more ordinary couples. "One can coast on the pillow talk of an affair for years. Affairs don't have the burden of breakfast, lunch, and dinner," Talese says. "But in the end, sex is not that important. The premier affair is marriage. Marriage is the main event."

In the 1910s and '20s, it was fashionable in certain circles to carry on with this type of romantic experiment. Virginia Woolf's sister, Vanessa Bell, a ravishing, statuesque painter who liked to wear gypsyish head scarves, lived on an English country estate with her lover, Duncan Grant, his gay lover, and her children, and her husband sometimes popped by for a week or two. She believed it was more important to live fully than to be conventionally comfortable or secure. One of Bell's frequent guests and ex-flames, the art critic Roger Fry, called her unorthodox household "a triumph of reasonableness over the conventions."

Open marriages have always fascinated and unsettled us because they threaten our assumptions; they raise questions we prefer not be raised. Is it too much to ask that one be attracted to, or intimate with, only one person for the rest of his or her days? How can we balance the comfort and stability of marriage with the desire for novelty and freshness? How does one resolve the yearning for freedom with the need for a settled life?

A friend of mine has a pact with her husband that if one of them has a one-night stand while traveling away from the family, it's okay. She tells me, "In a long marriage begun in one's 20s, it seems to me that fetishizing monogamy is a mistake. Our arrangement is that if a partner wants to explore a fleeting intimacy with another while, say, abroad, this is okay, with the caveat that it's like gays in the military: Don't ask, don't tell." They've agreed that a far-flung fling every once in a while is not threatening to their relationship. This pact seems bewildering and scandalous to nearly everyone they describe it to. But for them, the possibility — the idea itself — lets some air into the marriage.

But are open marriages happy? We all know about spiking divorce rates in the '70s and the crazy ice storm that was marriage at that time. In 1972, there was a best-selling book, Open Marriage, that asked, "Is it the 'unfaithful' human being who is the failure, or is it the standard itself?" But its co-author Nena O'Neill recanted several years later, writing that fidelity was central to marriage. Jealousy is not, after all, an easy emotion to overcome. The fantasy that one can transcend rogue feelings like possessiveness and anger is rarely ever true, but one still can't help noticing that there are some unconventional marriages that endure where more traditional unions fail.

Talese says that offbeat marriages can be stronger "because you are both free and you remain together by choice, because of your admiration for each other day by day. I've never for one day in 50 years felt that Nan didn't love me, and she's never felt that I didn't love her."

It is an act of imagination to live differently from everyone else, and maybe, in rare and magnificent moments, it works.

More from MSN Lifestyle Site Search: For additional content on unconventional relationships, click here.

Reprinted with permission of Hearst Communications, Inc.

posted in Polyamory - 1 reply

Birthdays

2009-08-19T20:58:00Z

Hello to everyone here, I was looking for some much needed advice, I am working towards being poly perhaps once I have worked fully on myself, but I understand it and respect the lifestyle and I do think that it can be full of happiness, but I guess I'm just not emotionally ready yet, for all of the challenges that come with it, so for now I'm stuck in relationships where the silence is kept and it seems that everyone may be dealing with someone else but no one is admitting to it right now,

but specifically, my birthday just passed and someone who I would consider my primary, and I his, actually kind of ditched me for someone else even though he won't admit to it, but I can't see any other reason why he would disappear and lie about his whereabouts, but the specific question I was getting at is , if I were openly in a polyamorous relationship should I be hurt? Would you feel jealousy at not being considered special enough to spend time with on your birthday?

posted in Polyamory - 31 replies

In the closet poly....

2009-08-19T18:29:41Z

I have pretty much kept my identity secret. Personally don't really care if people know that I am poly, but I am concerned it would affect our (my wife and I) careers and career opportunities. In my line of work I may be taking government contracts, and my wife is a school teacher. Then there’s our kids. If it got around at their school they could get mercilessly harassed. I would very much prefer to be free and open about my lifestyle, as I see others doing posting pictures of themselves on websites, but not sure if that is a good idea. Has anyone else experienced persecution or discrimination over their lifestyle? Do you have kids? What line of work are you in?

thanks for sharing,

Skip.

posted in Polyamory - 16 replies

what are the advantages of polyamory over other relationship styles?

2009-08-15T02:02:17Z

as title

thank you

lesley (shy at first sorry) x

posted in Polyamory - 14 replies

Sex among the Poly Vee

2009-08-13T02:06:35Z

My partner and I have been having some interesting conversations recently. She's interested in having her two boys see each other with her in a sexual context, perhaps both participating, perhaps taking turns or just watching. I have no interest in sex with the other guy and I'm pretty sure he's of the same mind.

I've been involved in threesomes before and have found them kind of awkward. But she's got some good reasons for wanting to move in this direction; we all live together, are generally comfortable with hearing each other through thin walls, so increasing comfort with the sexual goings-on will help with some issues -- even just logistical issues such as sleeping arrangements when traveling.

I'm not totally convinced it is a good idea. I'm not sure why yet. So I'm doing some processing on where my hesitation comes from.

While I'm doing that work, I thought I'd see what sort of thoughts and advice, for, against, or neutral, I might get from everyone here. Even some more procedural advice on how you'd set out on such an endeavour would be helpful :-)

Cheers

posted in Polyamory - 16 replies

what motivates polyamory?

2009-08-11T23:14:05Z

as title

lesley x

posted in Polyamory - 11 replies

Approaches and invitations: how to teach an old dog new tricks

2009-08-11T20:53:18Z

Hey everyone,

My relationship has become officially open after being kind of unofficially non-monogamous for about ten years. It's an open marriage in the style of Jenny Block's marriage, and I'm trying to get out and meet women that might be interested in dating me. Before I got married I was young and dumb, and I couldn't approach and talk to a woman to save my life. Now that I'm back in the pool again, I've got the confidence I lacked when I was in college, but I never built up any skills for approaching and talking to women.

In an effort to try to bypass the whole "walking up and breaking the ice" part of meeting people, I have put up profiles on OKCupid, PolyMatchMaker, PlentyOfFish, and a few other places where I can advertise my interests and outlook (if anyone's curious, my profile name is usually emote_control). However, after a year, I've had more or less no success at meeting any interesting people in my area using online services. So I'm going to have to start trying to just get out and talk to people, and see who I happen to meet.

But it's been ten years since I've done anything like that. I'm out of the loop, the social skills I did have are kind of atrophied, and I'm not even sure what people are expecting these days. Given that I'm in an open relationship, I expect that it'll be even more difficult to learn these skills than if I were just single. I have to learn not only to be skilled at approaching and talking to women, but also to inform them about my open relationship in a way that doesn't offend, if that's possible. As Block points out, if you tell someone too late, it sounds like you're hiding it; too early, and it sounds like a come-on.

What I would like to know is, are there any good books or resources for people to help them get into the dating scene? A "how to" book, or a club or support group for learning to just walk up to people and talk to them. I know that people have these skills, and I know that they're teachable. I'm not looking for gimmicky, predatory stuff like Mystery Method, but more like Talking To Women For Dummies. I have seen advice that amounts to "just go out and talk to people," but that sounds to me like telling someone that they can learn to play the violin by just hammering at the strings until it starts to sound good. There has to be a better way to improve myself. I'm intelligent, and generally pretty clever. I'm successful and skilled in other areas of my life, but this is just something for which I never had much talent, and which I never really got to practice. It's time I learned to do it.

Does anyone have any suggestions?

posted in Polyamory - 67 replies

What do you do... ?

2009-08-10T17:10:45Z

Have you ever gone so far into theory that you've completely lost touch with the societal norm?

Have you ever gone so far that nothing (and I mean nothing) makes sense anymore?

Have you ever gone so far that you desperately want to get back to what most other people see, but you just can't?

Have you ever gone so far that you have no idea how to function within your surroundings?

Have you ever gone so far that things that seem normal or even acceptable to most people seem insane to you?

just a random question.

posted in Polyamory - 5 replies

Join Us

2009-08-08T01:48:07Z

Become A Part Of Reality - See:
http://intentionalone.com/essence/presentlreality.html

posted in Polyamory - 1 reply

When folks freak Out>Your stories from the flipped out side :)

2009-08-07T10:40:52Z

Looking for your opinions on why some people have such a strong reaction against polyamory?

I am pretty blessed to be mostly surrounded by loving and nonjudgmental people from the Burn community. Yet at times I find myself having to deal with people that are not very supportive, to being down right enraged.

I have been dating a woman now for about two months. I am 34 and she is 29 years old. I am married and have been with my wife since we were both 14 years old. We have an amazing relationship that's been open for about ten years.

This weekend the woman I am seeing came over for dinner with her brother to meet my family. He seemed fine with things and was friendly enough but after they returned home he thought on the whole situation and became really upset.

The woman lives at her parents second home way out in the country where she runs a horse training business. Her father comes out once a week to help out with the chores.

Her brother became so upset that he left the farm house and drove back to their parents at 2 am and the next day shared his concerns with them about her choices to be involved with a married man.

Their response was she has to move out and they will no longer help her in any way. They are "washing their hands" and will no longer inable her immoral decisions. Her mother and brother will not return her calls. The father laid down the law and said when he returns for a trip next week that he will deal with her then.

So whats that all about?... Fear based I am sure! Wanting control?

This particular example is only one of my personal experiences with it over the years.

I would like to here about other peoples experiences and what their thoughts are on why such a strong reaction occurred and after time how things played out after the initial trauma passed.

posted in Polyamory - 9 replies

Ardent goes International!

2009-08-05T05:40:21Z

We just created the groundworks for A.R.D.E.N.T. to extend far and wide.

Please visit our new and very interactive website!

ardentintl.ning.com/main/

posted in Polyamory - 0 replies

Dissecting Jealousy

2009-08-02T08:57:15Z

Here's something I've been chewing on.

A. I've seen lots of people who can treat jealousy as if it's no big deal, or for whom jealousy is no big deal. Okay, sure.

B. I've also seen people who are consumed by their jealousies, rent open, screaming and bawling from them. I've read countless newspaper stories about people who have killed over jealousy. Okay, sure.

So, that's two (and there may be more) of the more extreme RESPONSES to jealousy. Just as a backdrop to the conversation, mind you.

So now I'm looking at a couple ends of the CAUSE spectrum:

1. The jealousy is all in your head, or your assumptions, or your insecurities, or you're a Scorpio, or whatever.

2. You are ACTUALLY in danger of losing something, and you don't want to lose it and feel a pressing need to act to protect something of value to you.

Now this has been an interesting chew toy for me, because I'm one of those folks that tends toward "jealousy is all in your head" kind of thing (which makes my problems a lot easier to solve), so the idea that some jealousy is a ghost and some is a real threat is an interesting one.

Normally, I'd be of the frame of mind that item #2 is just some variation of item #1 (I only IMAGINE I'll lose the thing) or perhaps indicative of an unhealthy dependence on something external to me (well, if I'd just stayed away from heroin, I wouldn't BE so addicted to it).

But...

I'm game to explore the idea that jealousy is like a creak in the night. Remember that night you just woke up, and no one else was around, but you are almost SURE you heard something, and you lay there listening, straining your ears, and just weren't sure? Oh, it might have been nothing, might have been a phantom, or maybe a random thing losing its balance in your kitchen...

...or it might have been a crazy leather-faced maniac with a knife coming to kill you in your sleep.

So, how to tell? Because if you got up to check, you have to wake up all the way and stumble around in the dark, and probably it's all for nothing. HOWEVER, if it really IS a maniac, you'll live a tad longer, and get a few minutes of shut-eye, if you let it go and head back to Dreamland.

So maybe jealousy is that creak in the night, the thing that is probably nothing, but just might be something.

If so...

...how do you proceed? How do you tell the difference between a jealousy that's just you being a dumbass scaredy-cat, versus a jealousy that is a very real warning signal your frantic brain is hammering into your cerebrum? How do you find out? What techniques or processes do you use?

posted in Polyamory - 14 replies

New Misanthrope Column: Wishful Thinking Doesn't Work

2009-07-27T16:17:49Z

http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/2009/07/27/wishful-thinking-doesnt-work/

I don’t usually rant at monogamous people. Polyamorous people in general provide more than enough rant fodder and idiocy to be going on with. But a couple of incidents have bubbled across my brain in the last few months that I just don’t wanna keep quiet.

My monogamous bretheren… If you wind up on a date with someone and they say up front, “I’m polyamorous.” do yourself a favor:

Believe what you’ve been told

Believe it if the person has a boy or girlfriend, wife, husband, or SO. But believe it just as strongly if that person isn’t presently dating anyone else. ‘Cause I’ll bet you ten dollars to a doughnut that person will want to be seeing other people than you sometime down the road.

Getting pregnant isn’t going to change this (no, really. Babies don’t make partners act the way you wish they would. Often the insanity of early infancy means quite the opposite).

Falling in love isn’t going to change it. No, not even if s/he falls in love with you. Being madly in love won’t change whether or not you’re poly. Poly people can be madly in love with more than one person. It’s… well, kinda the point when you think about it.

Polyamory isn’t playing the field until you find the right person. If you’re looking for a monogamous relationship only, do yourself a favor and walk away if someone says s/he’s poly.

That said, if you’re cool with dating a poly person (and the ramifications that they’re not only going to be seeing you) then go for it. Poly/mono pairings can work, but they usually do when both parties are realistic. I know people who are utterly realstic about this and they have fulfilling, happy relationships.

That straight? Good.

Now, I’d like all my little poly chillun to gather ’round, ’cause Mama Java’s got something to say to all of you:

You be clear right away that you’re poly!

Don’t imply it’s negotiable1 just because the mono person you’re dating is smoking hot. That obnoxious. Even if you’ve been dating a monogamous person for a long time, and haven’t really been looking elsewhere, it’d be a good idea to just bring up the subject from time to time. (Hey, George? I know we’ve been dating three years. Remember when we first started dating, I told you I was poly? Still hasn’t changed, even though I’ve not met someone lately). Don’t let things slide. Unspoken assumptions in this area will bite you.

Oh… and just for the record, announcing you’re poly after you’ve been dating someone awhile with no discussion is really over the edge. Don’t do that, either. Communication is one thing. Dropping bombs isn’t really communication. It’s just mean.

1Unless it really is. It’s sure as hell not for me, and more often than not, it’s not for most poly people.

posted in Polyamory - 1 reply

Essay: “But I thought you…”

2009-07-26T21:04:23Z

Sorry, I'm a bit behind. I blame the heat.

http://www.petting-zoo.org/Essays/?p=1039

Thrills me to find out how effective question marks can really be. Enjoy!

posted in Polyamory - 0 replies

compersion

2009-07-26T20:06:35Z

Okay, so maybe I'm slow but I just recently realized there was a word for this feeling http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Compersion

To me one of the best parts of poly is seeing someone I care about so happy... and hearing about it. It makes me feel good to know about their other relationships. I don't think it's necessarily the "opposite" of jealousy or envy, but something more complex - what do y'all think? How much do you want to know about your loves other loves/relationships?

posted in Polyamory - 99 replies

Polyamory in the News

2009-07-24T02:23:01Z

What's the big wide world saying and hearing about us? Quite a lot.

How are the media presenting polyamory to your worried mom in Dubuque? Sometimes, in interesting and insightful ways.

If you haven't been keeping up with Polyamory in the News in the last four months
(http://polyinthemedia.blogspot.com/), here's some of what you missed:

** "Multi-Love: It's Complicated," headlines a newspaper in Chicago -- but, the article suggests, it can also be pretty darn nice.
http://polyinthemedia.blogspot.com/2009/06/multi-love-its-complicated.html

** The folks who've organized Young Milwaukee Poly get themselves some excellent treatment on mainstream TV news.
http://polyinthemedia.blogspot.com/2009/07/young-activists-show-how-its-done.html

** Another fine mainstream TV news report -- this one on Seattle's Terisa Greenan, her two partners, and her webcast sitcom series "Family."
http://polyinthemedia.blogspot.com/2009/07/local-familys-lifestyle-gets-national.html

** The Calvin Klein foursome billboard (they're not *quite* naked) raises nationwide ire. ABC News.com asks if this means polyamory is getting mainstreamed, and finds a good poly spokesperson to discuss the matter intelligently.
http://polyinthemedia.blogspot.com/2009/06/calvin-klein-foursome-ad-and-its.html

** ABC News.com also looks at whether a drive for legalized poly marriage is coming down the pike: "Some See Polyamorous Marriage as the Next Civil Rights Movement."
http://polyinthemedia.blogspot.com/2009/06/polyamory-when-one-spouse-isnt-enough.html

** Governor Mark Sanford and his affair were touchy subjects for polys. Me, I saw a teaching opportunity and posted about it to the Polyamory Leadership Network; Loving More grabbed the ball and sent a press release to 150 media outlets; so far no takers; but keep an eye on Newsweek. Read all about it:
http://polyinthemedia.blogspot.com/2009/07/governor-mark-sanford-affair.html

** Why a duck? Poly and bestiality on Fox News; Bill O'Reilly, Glen Beck, and others go on a mini-jihad against triads, comparing them to marrying ducks and turtles.
http://polyinthemedia.blogspot.com/2009/05/why-duck-poly-and-bestiality-on-oreilly.html

...and Gretchen Carlson tries to roast Jenny Block, who holds her own:
http://polyinthemedia.blogspot.com/2009/05/fox-news-pumps-triad-hysteria-jenny.html

...and don't miss the Sex with Ducks parody video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EXPcBI4CJc8

** Charles Colson of Watergate fame, now a leading Christian, warns millions of evangelicals -- people *we're* never going to reach -- about loving, bonded poly groups who "walk down the street hand in hand in hand in hand." Yay!
http://polyinthemedia.blogspot.com/2009/05/triads-mr-and-mrs-and-mrs-or-whatever.html

** Feminist Katie Roiphe declaims on open and poly marriages in the high-fashion magazine Harper's Bazaar: "Is our idea of love perhaps too narrow, too literal, too unimaginative?... It is an act of imagination to live differently from everyone else, and maybe, in rare and magnificent moments, it works." She describes, among other setups, an early-20th-century artists' ménage on an English estate and quotes an observer of it: "a triumph of reasonableness over the conventions."
http://polyinthemedia.blogspot.com/2009/07/katie-roiphe-on-successful-open.html

** A TV production company holds a casting-call event in Seattle for a future poly reality show, tentatively called "Real Life Big Love." A dozen or more polyfolks show up; two report back on what happened.
http://polyinthemedia.blogspot.com/2009/07/major-cable-network-puts-out-poly.html

** "Strong nonmonogamous relationships are much like strong monogamous relationships," writes an advice columnist for Feministing.com. "The people involved talk about their feelings, their boundaries, and where they want the relationship to go." She lays out a seven-item "checklist for nonmonogamy." Elsewhere, a different dating-advice columnist snarks at a horror date: "We were no more than two minutes into our first drink when he dropped a bomb. 'I'm Polyamorous,' he said. I coughed slightly and rolled my lychee martini around in my mouth, waiting to feel shocked or react at all, but instead I kicked into dating survival mode...."
http://polyinthemedia.blogspot.com/2009/06/ask-professor-foxy-am-i-nonmonogamous.html

** "Why I Hate Monogamy": OpenSalon spotlights a fiesty essay by a triumphal enthusiast for her 23-year open marriage.
http://polyinthemedia.blogspot.com/2009/06/why-i-hate-monogamy.html

** Dan Savage on dumb therapists who don't get it, and on Tristan Taormino, who does.
http://polyinthemedia.blogspot.com/2009/05/dan-savage-on-dumb-therapists.html

** A roundup of rather different takes on poly in the gay world (including Dan Savage again).
http://polyinthemedia.blogspot.com/2009/07/gay-poly-roundup.html

** An interview with Dossie Easton, co-author of *The Ethical Slut,* which is finally out in its second edition.
http://polyinthemedia.blogspot.com/2009/05/interview-with-dossie-easton-ethical.html

** "Are Bisexuals the Glue that Holds Poly Together?" With some statistics.
http://polyinthemedia.blogspot.com/2009/04/are-bisexuals-glue-that-holds-poly.html

** Poly YouTubers. With SpongeBob SquarePants.
http://polyinthemedia.blogspot.com/2009/04/poly-youtubers.html

** Plus recent poly in the media in Mexico, Argentina, Portugal, Finland, the Netherlands, and France.

------------------

Here's the site:
http://polyinthemedia.blogspot.com

The 10 most recent items are up front. Look in the monthly archives for more. The archives are also sorted by subject and sometimes location.

If you're on LiveJournal, here's the LJ friends feed:
http://syndicated.livejournal.com/polymedia

I've done 314 of these reports in the last four years. I hope you have as much fun browsing them as I do creating them!

Happy summer,

Alan

(Crossposted)

posted in Polyamory - 0 replies

Poly on the Daily Beast

2009-07-22T20:31:42Z

http://www.thedailybeast.com/blogs-and-stories/2009-05-07/threesome-marriages/full/

posted in Polyamory - 6 replies

Logistical question- Camping

2009-07-22T18:51:17Z

HI there,
my honey and i were at an awesome burn event this weekend- Transformus... and it was our first burn event where we weren't volunteering a TON - so we had a lot of free time- together and apart- it was smooth- we hung out sometimes, he went to adventure and find jugglers at times, i went to dance a lot. We laugh cuz we are both pretty different in our interests- he's a day burner, i'm a night burner- but we both like to pick up people- together or individually- whatever works out.

I noticed a couple of glitches in our socializing that i thought I would run by you guys... (it's late, and been a while since i've been to a computer so i guess i'm inspired to blab... and so if this gets confusing or rambling- i apologize i'll try to be succinct)

firstly- i would be talking to some awesome guy- hitting it off, running into each other once in a while... and then he would see me makin out with my man some time and would then kinda avoid me and not really get to know me anymore. Cameron suspected the same might be happening to him- that we were unwittingly ball blocking each other kinda. - Aside from totally freaking someone out by immeadiately saying - "hey i'm poly" when i'm just getting to know them... what would you do maybe to be a bit more smoother than that, but let the other people know your available.

Second issue was about logistical uses of the tent. I party like a rock star all night, and come back at dawn- wanting nothing but sleep- but he may or may not have a chick with him. I am happy for him- but A. I don't want to make the other person physically or emotionally uncomfortable - and B. i want sleep and want to be comfortable...

We have had the issue come up before- and had separate places/ tents to sleep- SO it wasn't a big deal - AND we would sometimes kinda schedule time at burns to hang out a bit- because we volunteered so much and would have to schedule or we would never see each other- with so much free time- it was almost awkward. He chose to go to the other person's tent out of respect for me- and i did likewise... but it was something to think about for the future. Should i get / use a second tent/ hammock and a signal on the tent for when we have someone over for a slumber party so to speak? What has anyone else here done?

We don't have a lot of boundries or rules, but we have worked it out that i'm not really comfortable hearing him have sex - and he's not really comfortable trying to barge in on me and some guy- mostly because the other dude gets uncomfortable even more- and well... its just sometimes awkward.

AND... anyone else with other logistical issues, ideas on them? what you have done to work within your comfort zone? Ever have anyone reject you or your partner because of being poly?

1 luv, folks,
trish

posted in Polyamory - 5 replies

Intimacy

2009-07-22T12:24:07Z

I'm curious, for those that are willing to answer.

What, specifically, does intimacy mean to you?

posted in Polyamory - 14 replies

Intimidated by the thought

2009-07-22T11:17:25Z

I need support and suggestions for the following:

I've been in a relationship for about 8 months with a woman that I truly love. The relationship is great for both of us and has helped us each to develop in important ways. She wants to stay in the relationship, but feels that she isn't completely satisfied because she doesn't feel "in-love" or "romantic" enough in an emotional way. I've persistently attempted to figure out if there's something that either of us can do within the relationship to change this, but she's said that it is more a feeling than something that arises out of dissatisfaction with our actions. As such, and possibly because of ovulating (topic definitely arises more often during that time), she wants to be able to date other men.

Feeling that there is no concrete issue, and no concrete solution, I've said that I'm comfortable having her date someone once a week, no sex, so long as the man knows that she's my girlfriend, and that he can respect my relationship with her.

I'm hoping that this will help give reality to the situation and allow her to fill gaps that I cannot.

posted in Polyamory - 6 replies

Being "in-love" versus loving

2009-07-22T01:34:24Z

How do you define "being in love?" Is it essential to lasting relationships, or just a passing sensation? Can one have a life-long partnership based on loving, but not being "in-love?"

posted in Polyamory - 8 replies

What are you after?

2009-07-22T00:28:11Z

I've been reading down the discussions here and I've noticed that in a lot of cases people have fairly different experiences or ideas concerning the way that polyamory can work out. The word "polyamory" seems to me to function a catch-all term that covers pretty much any and all non-monogamous relationships, although not everyone seems to want it to be so general. In poly threads here and elsewhere I've seen it refer to things like swinging and friends with benefits, and I've seen it refer to extremely romance-centred relationships for which sex is almost an afterthought.

With that in mind, I'm curious to know what it was that drew each of you to polyamory. I expect that everyone is going to have a different opinion and a different story, and that there is going to be a lot of difference in what people expected and what they discovered. I also expect that some people decided to be poly and then went out to locate their relationships, while others found themselves in these relationships already and discovered that there was a name for what they were doing.

Use this thread to tell your tale. Did you go looking for polyamory, or did it creep up on you? What were you looking for? Did you find it? Did you find something else instead?

In brief, my own story: I've been married for 8 years. We've never actually been monogamous in principle, just in practice. In the beginning, we weren't interested in anyone else. After that, we went through some difficult times, and wouldn't have wanted to rock the boat. Then we kind of forgot about the idea of other people for a while, ended up having some kids, and once the kids were old enough that we could relax for a while, we suddenly remembered that we both had a need for other people in our lives.

Tristan Taormino lists some reasons why one might be interested in non-monogamy in her book, Opening Up. Personally, I think that my motivating factors are what she calls "freedom and openness," and "sexual and emotional diversity." Opening my relationship allows me to feel like I'm not artificially constrained if a relationship develops with a new person. And I seem to need a certain amout of sexual variety. I'm not the sort that would answer a "casual encounters" personal or try to hook up with random women, but I am certainly motivated by sex. Ideally, such a relationship would function similarly to the way it would if I were single: acquaintance, dating, and then a more intimate relationship. I guess I'm a bit old-fashioned...

Things have been pretty slow for me, but the social scene is pretty slow where I live anyway. I plan to move to a larger city some time soon, and so we'll see if my expectations eventually reach an agreement with reality.

Anyway, go ahead and share your own story. How did polyamory enter your life, and is it the way you pictured it?

posted in Polyamory - 6 replies

Hi gang!

2009-07-21T19:31:54Z

Hi everyone,

I'm the co-founder of OneTantra, and I wanted to invite all of you to what is now becoming the hottest social network in the tantric community.

OneTantra is a multi-faith, inspirational and motivational new spirituality website. Through its community and significant teaching body (over 25 core faculty instructors including Charles Muir, Mantak Chia, Deb Anapol, Michael Mirdad, etc - and over 50 workshop leaders in the adjunct program), it provides information, community and services on a wide variety of topics, and with a focus on the art of tantra, love and spiritualizing relationship. It is slowly becoming the largest and most vibrant online community in the tantra world.

OneTantra is an all-loving, all-accepting, exploratory, fun, edgy and bold place where anybody curious about, or on the path can meet, learn, grow, deepen, play and love more fully. It's the ultimate tantric learning community -- you will be blown away by the depth and spiritual beauty of the people who have already joined. Plus, the social network will blow you away - and this isn't marketing hype - there are people talking about everything from the neurobiology of tantra to ecstatic poetry to qigong to non-violent communications to sexual healing & tantric case histories to "all about amrita" and slow food and then there are all the regional groups... just about anything you can imagine. You can ask questions, learn new practices and meet like-minded others. Lots of them. It's truly a rich and fulfilling multi-conversation, all about tantra and its impact on the world.

So come to http://onetantra.com/bliss to learn more. And email me at moses@onetantra.com if you need anything. It's a paid premium social network, but we have fun work study programs and stuff so anyone can join.

Love & light,

Moses

posted in Polyamory - 1 reply

how many poly's does it take to screw on a light bulb?

2009-07-20T22:04:39Z

how many poly's does it take to screw on a light bulb?

posted in Polyamory - 18 replies

Mono, New to poly and have a question

2009-07-15T02:35:19Z

First of all I'd like to say hello. I'm new here and to the Poly scene and really need some help with a problem.

I have been living with the same partner for almost 9 years (mono-mono). She has had for many years feelings that she was polyamorous and did not reveal these feelings to me until a couple months ago. She is BI and expressed a need to have women relationships, which we agreed was OK years ago, as long as there were no male sex relationships happening. I felt that at the time that if there was sex with a man needed that I was the one for the job. She completely agreed.

She recently came out and and said that she wanted man/woman relationships. We disagreed and we seperated. If we didnt seperate, she said she would do it anyway regardless. I felt my boundaries had been crossed and was not agreeable to the male aspect.

We have since been seeing each other as if we never parted, except she lives on her own and has 2 "secondary" male partners. We are still very close.

She expressed to me that she wants me to remain her life partner, albeit as the "primary". She expressed to me that the whole "package" was better that I had to offer and hands down wanted me to be the main squeeze. We want to work this out, except I have only one hang up.

I have given the lifestyle much thought, and have basically accepted it as an alternative to a monogamous lifestyle. I'm not against adapting to this new style of love.

My issue, and what I have come forward to ask is: Has anyone out there been in a situation where you felt O.K. with your partner having other relationships with the same sex, but couldn't bear them having one with the opposite sex?. I don't mean the love part, I mean the sex part.

It's not jealousy. It feels different. Almost a competetive feeling. The age old question comes to mind... What does he have to offer that I don't? If she isn't totally happy with the sex she is receiving from these other people, why do it at all?

I'd like to get past this very much so we can get on with our lives, hopes and dreams...

Thanks in advance!

Polyfx.

posted in Polyamory - 8 replies

unconsummated relationships

2009-07-08T13:30:34Z

Does anyone have experience with unconsummated relationships?

not so much as the stage before consumated ones, but as a status quo or as the intended and prefered type.

thanks for your thoughts..

posted in Polyamory - 38 replies

living space

2009-07-05T08:10:29Z

For those of you that live with your partners...

...how well do you find sharing home space works for you? Are there guidelines, suggestions, ideas, etc. that you have learned work well? Are there things you have learned that can cause trouble?

What three pieces of advice (well, three or less, let's say) would you offer to someone who was thinking about shacking up with someone?

What advice can you offer that is specific to multiple partners (most living-together advice is pretty much germane to any relationship), if any?

Cheers,

Edward

posted in Polyamory - 2 replies

In the event...

2009-07-02T19:42:34Z

...this sort of thing matters to you:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xP1QieeGmGo&feature=related

While I, personally, am not entirely convinced this is a stepping stone for people with multiple partners, it is nevertheless noteworthy, in my opinion, that the White House is willing to speak, and speaking positively, toward such rights and toward a future that makes sense.

I just can't imagine this same speech being made prior to this Administration.

posted in Polyamory - 2 replies

A True Three-Way Tale

2009-07-02T10:13:53Z

I was surprised by how tender the threesome sex felt. There's nothing I loved more than holding
my best friend's hand, while she had sex with my boyfriend. I felt so connected to both of them.
It was really a beautiful experience that I wouldn't trade for anything.

--Zoe, 23

(from "The Threesome Handbook" by Vicki Vantoch)

posted in Polyamory - 7 replies

Poly PDX

2009-07-02T05:40:50Z

A celebration of the polyamorous lifestyle

Mt Tabor Park
Music
Art
Workshops
Cuddle Parties

We need planning help....are you poly? come chill with us....are you mono? you are welcome too

posted in Polyamory - 0 replies

new and nervous

2009-07-01T21:54:16Z

My wife and I have recently talked about polyamory and about it applying to us. We have both found that neither one of us is opposed to the idea. So that is not an issue. At the moment I am not into actively searching for another partner. But I do feel an attraction to my best friend. I just don't know how to approuch her with the idea and tell her what I feel about her without scaring her and destroying friendship. We are very close friends and I love her allot. She is the only reason that I have contemplated polyamory. Just wondering if any one else has been in a situation like this and what advice they can give.

posted in Polyamory - 4 replies

Objectification?

2009-06-30T07:44:33Z

I am posting this because I am really confused about this subject so I hope no one will feel too defensive about it. I would really like to gain some clarity here. Since I *don't* have clarity, my question probably won't make sense (yes, I'm that confused).

I recently ran into a guy who wanted three female partners. And it left me feeling squicky, much like the feeling I get when I run into couples who want a polyfi triad. It's not that I think there's anything with wanting what you want, or that's it's immoral or anything, that's what confuses me, it leaves me feeling like a *thing*, a sort of living sex toy, and I'm not really sure why that is or what's going on under the surface. Has anyone else figured this out, can you put some words on it so my brain can wrap itself around it?

Not everyone I run into makes me feel this way, it's those who seem more concerned with their configuration of partners than they are with the actual human beings involved.

posted in Polyamory - 29 replies

Poly Matchmaker

2009-06-30T06:52:34Z

Ok. Just thought I would chime in with a question. My wife and I are exploring polyamory again after a 5 year monogomy break. We are both doing a lot of reading and making a few connections on the net. It feels like a safe way to introduce ourselves to other people and get to know them a bit before commiting to a face to face. Oh yeah.. my question.

We recently signed onto Poly Matchmaker, thinking that it might be another good way to meet folks. However, I have mixed feelings about the site, and wonder has anyone here had experiences, good or bad on PMM? I would love feedback on PMM and on other sites that might be worth checking out.

Many thanks,
Tymn

posted in Polyamory - 19 replies

New Misanthrope Column: When It's Working

2009-06-24T12:48:22Z

I know I haven't been updating much. There are several reasons for this. The biggest is that one can only say, "Don't be a fucking idiot" in so many ways before the message begin to get a little monotonous.

The other is that I've been leading a life so devoid of drama that I'm not analyzing much about relationships. Here's the rub: What the poly community does really need is a good picture of what good multiple relationships can look like.

More? http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/2009/06/24/when-its-working/

posted in Polyamory - 0 replies

Hello from Kansas City everyone

2009-06-19T23:05:15Z

Just want to say hello and see if anyone is nearby.

posted in Polyamory - 1 reply

noobie says hi

2009-06-19T09:21:40Z

noobie noob to the tribe, semi-noob to poly. just saying hello. have been off and on tribe for the past few months, as it's been all wonky, but poly-madness has been keeping me up late tonight, so i decided to bite the bullet and join the tribe i've been eyeing for a while now.

hello.

posted in Polyamory - 12 replies

Social Preferences

2009-06-15T14:23:13Z

I know lots of meet-and-greets and get-togethers and poly hikes and park pic-a-nics and so forth, as well as saucy parties, evening soirees, and discussion groups and so forth.

I also know of people who are new, who've been doing this for a while, and who could be considered old hands.

So.

Different kinds of social events -- how do you feel about them? Which do you prefer? Which are you looking for when you find yourself settling for what you have to go to?

Discuss!

posted in Polyamory - 9 replies

The Power of Crazy

2009-06-10T00:01:17Z

Yep, here it is:

http://www.petting-zoo.org/Essays/?p=1101

Enjoy!

posted in Polyamory - 12 replies

Reverse social-engineering.

2009-06-09T20:31:17Z

XKCD for this week was oddly appropriate to the poly community that I hang with: http://xkcd.com/592/

posted in Polyamory - 4 replies

What do you think?

2009-06-09T03:34:53Z

Is a don't ask, don't tell relationship really poly?

posted in Polyamory - 98 replies

Anybody tell your family that your poly?

2009-06-09T03:05:44Z

Our wedding is not too far off. … We let some of the family know. I am curious how did it go for you?

posted in Polyamory - 47 replies

Discovery Channel looking for poly pregnant mamas...

2009-06-04T04:54:07Z

Check it - crazy...

http://ncsf.wordpress.com/2009/06/02/poly-expecting-mother-wanted-by-discovery-channel/

posted in Polyamory - 5 replies

A Vision of Polyamorous Community

2009-06-03T15:19:25Z

In his book "Spiritual Polyamory," Mystic Life writes:

"The following describes a vision of polyamorous community and ideas related
to living effectively in this community:

People can feel more deeply secure in love that has no restrictions or conditions.
Sex is utilized for contact, expression of love, healing, relaxation, etc.
People do not own each other in any manner.
The purpose of this community is healing, personal evolution, and modeling a
non-competitive way of living.
There is no hierarchy of importance amongst members of this community or
between this community and others.
If you have children, both they and you may benefit from being raised by a community
as opposed to two parents who live with the children (which often eventually leads to
one parent living with the children if the parents separate). A community setting can
benefit a child due to its diversity, and benefit the adults by allowing them the
continuation of time for self-development."

posted in Polyamory - 2 replies

Australian Polyamory

2009-06-01T18:43:17Z

I've done a search and found this so far: groups.yahoo.com/group/polyamoryaustralia

posted in Polyamory - 2 replies

Pain=Value?

2009-05-29T02:08:55Z

Great idea for a conversation! I blogged about this a bit, so feel free to check it out and weigh in with your thoughts. It is amazing how much this programming can worm its way into our relationships!

http://polytripod.blogspot.com/2009/05/does-painvalue.html

posted in Polyamory - 17 replies

Did you think it would be easy?

2009-05-23T05:41:49Z

I remember the relief of running into my first polyamorist, going to a retreat, puppy piles of happy loving people, and fantasies of an extended family with multiple partners.

I think that was something like 10 years ago. So? I've been a poly chew toy bunches of time, have reconsidered relationships from more angles than I knew existed, and do I want to step back into the little box of monogamy? The one that says there's something wrong with you if you love more than one person? Or more than one gender? I'm not sure I could ever go back there, and even if I tried, I would just be kidding myself.

So, what were your starry eyed visions of polyamory? Where you ever a poly chew toy (did a puppy polyamorist cut their teeth on you?) ? And maybe, also, what was easy? Easy for me is not having to pretend I don't have feelings and attractions to multiple individuals.

posted in Polyamory - 25 replies

New Misanthrope Column: The Mistress Paradigm

2009-05-20T15:40:35Z

Dear Goddess: I have a couple of questions about navigating my poly relationship and I’d love your advice. First, a bit of background. My husband and I began a polyrelationship with one of my best friends about 6 months ago. Working out my jealousy has been truly difficult, but also rewarding since I continue to learn more about my own internal behaviors as a result. Much of my jealousy revolves around my role as the “practical wife” whereas my friend serves as the “fun wife.”

More? http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/2009/05/18/the-mistress-paradigm/

posted in Polyamory - 2 replies

Double Penetration: A Path to Enlightenment

2009-05-20T03:47:05Z

In her book "Polyamory: Many Loves," Janet Kira Lessin writes:

"When you experience, as I did, two or more of your male poly lovers simultaneously entering you in tantric oneness, you open your inner stargate, touch the face of God and remember your source. As you embrace two or even three magic wands, the lingams (as we call penises), with your most sensitive inner sensual shrines, you feel ecstasy, get total personal and transpersonal recall. You drop concepts of physics, science and religion and instead zoom, as your multidimensional self, through space and time. You and the beloveds entering you merge with divinity, source of all inchoate forms....."

posted in Polyamory - 15 replies

Poly Living West: San Francisco, May 29-31

2009-05-14T03:19:35Z

I've attended several of Loving More's poly conferences and can't speak highly enough of them. I've also donated to the group (a nonprofit) and hope to see it succeed.

Coming up soon is Poly Living West, being held in San Francisco May 29-31, full of interesting workshops. Prices go up after May 15th. If you can make it, I highly recommend it. More info:
http://www.mynewsletterbuilder.com/tools/view_newsletter.php?newsletter_id=1409923919

Cheers,

--Alan M., Polyamory in the News
http://polyinthemedia.blogspot.com/

posted in Polyamory - 1 reply

Victoria, BC Poly 101 and a new blog...

2009-05-11T20:54:00Z

Feel like visiting an idyllic island and talking about polyamory with a bunch of cool people? Check us out:

www.victoriapoly101.blogspot.com/

~Kiki

posted in Polyamory - 0 replies

love without "relationship" defining

2009-05-06T23:47:43Z

I've been dating this really sweet, sexy woman for a while. We have been attempting not to really define parameters, except for safer sex. So far, it's working out great; we always have a wonderful time, are in giggly love, and if worries over having an undefined future get to us, we just let them melt away.

I know I have no real chance of a long-term future with her; she's much too young and is going in a different direction in life than me. But I'm having such a great time, and we both feel very sane and grounded, as well as giddy.

Have any of you had that kind of experience where you just enjoy yourself without getting bogged down in relationship dogma? I'm really loving this and am learning lots.

posted in Polyamory - 7 replies

Once we're GONE . . .

2009-05-05T22:04:02Z

Okay, this topic is not really a poly topic. So, delete or ignore as you like.

My husband and I are doing the wills/trust thing with an attorney. We have a couple of kids - one young adult, one minor. But the age of the kids is only minimally significant for this question.

If my husband and I are both killed at the same time, we have details worked out about what we want to happen for the kids, where money goes, etc. But, there's a lot to do when someone dies. There's a lot of stuff to go through, for example. Some things are very personal. I believe that our daughter, who is somewhat of a prude will not want to see much less go through any bags, boxes or drawers that contain highly personal items - like adult toys.

As we're thinking about the details of these final arrangements, I wanted to ask others if you've ever given thought to this aspect of what happens after you're GONE. What happens to your toys and who does the disposing?

posted in Polyamory - 24 replies

Nice interview with Dossie Easton about the "Newly updated, expanded" "The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships and Other Adventures"

2009-05-03T01:38:41Z

There's a sweet interview with Dossie in an Alternet.org blog.

http://www.alternet.org/sex/138195/the_ethical_slut_returns:_into_threesomes,_foursomes,_moresomes

Hugs,

Rig Daddy

posted in Polyamory - 2 replies

Vancouver/handfasting advice?

2009-05-03T01:20:14Z

Any people or groups in Vancouver BC? Specifically, anyone know of venues in the Vancouver BC area that might be game to entertain a poly wedding/handfasting sort of ritual, folks who won't freak out in a situation such as a groom with multiple rings, or there being no official legal marriage certificate or such? Anyone done something like this have any tips or pointers on what to look forward to, or what to avoid to keep things smooth and happy?

I'm asking for a very specific reason.

'Cause I got engaged and all.

posted in Polyamory - 26 replies

Are YOU looking for a hot bi-babe to "complete" your family?

2009-05-01T08:47:57Z

If so, then check out this handy-dandy flowchart from my friend Franklin:

http://www.obsidianfields.com/lj/hotbibabe-flowchart-large.gif

Happy hunting!

posted in Polyamory - 18 replies

NRE Errors!

2009-04-30T23:40:05Z

What's the most ridiculous thing you've done "under the influence" of NRE?

Here's my: What was I thinking?!?!?!

I went house shopping with my sweetie two months after we started dating while my hubby was on a trip. We showed him the house we both fell in love with, and were surprised that he wasn't best pleased about it. Go figure. ;)

Happier ending: We do own a house together, that we all picked out and built for the expanded family a year later, so even NRE stupidity can be overcome!

posted in Polyamory - 18 replies

Bandwidth

2009-04-28T21:06:27Z

How do you determine if you have enough "bandwidth" (time and energy) to support an additional relationship? How do you figure out if your potential partner has it? Is an imbalance between those resources a reason to decline a relationship possibility?

posted in Polyamory - 13 replies

cooties...

2009-04-28T18:59:55Z

hi all;

i'd love some help/advice/pointing and ah-a-ing. my relationship with my primary partner has changed and i'm learning to adapt. we're no longer having sex but emotionally close and she's in a relationship with her housemate (it's a very complicated story, aspects offered on request, but the question i have seems unrelated) which includes unprotected sex since she is not sleeping with anyone else and neither is he.

how does the gross-out factor relate to insecurities and jealousy in an open relationship? the thought of another person's body fluids being inside her really puts me off. std issues aside, is it a variant of possessiveness that only i should be allowed into her "sacred space?" is it just that my personal boundary or comfort level happens to exist at that limit? is it a manifestation of the sadness that i can't express my feelings for my partner in a way that i want to and previously could? i'm working on understanding everything and i'd love any insight to this.

posted in Polyamory - 9 replies

Tips for threesomes?

2009-04-28T07:28:48Z

Any advice that you would give based on your own personal experience for threesomes? Advice as far as logistics, choosing a partner, keeping anyone from feeling left out or dynamics in general?

posted in Polyamory - 7 replies

bragging rights

2009-04-26T18:00:35Z

I never post to here much, but i do read and have gotten a lot of advice, laughs, and general knowledge so I thank EVERYONE for sharing some great stuff and often difficult stuff!

I have a pretty unique relationship (i know, join the club right...) and this year we feel we are doin this poly thing really right (for us) and I feel like sharing some good poly experience with the world!

My main squeeze (Cameron) and I are going to a festival (where we met several years ago and fell in love at later on) in a few days, and in a week we are going to exchange vows but in a very different way. (Its not legal but it is a ceremony that means a lot to at least me). A group of friends along with us will all exchange some group created vows. I made a water sharing cup for our ceremony (out of inspiration from Stranger in A Strange Land) and generally, all the planning has been really fun, very simple, not expensive, and best of all its with our friends in whatever we want to wear and do. :)

Cameron has another main squeeze, Lindsay, who he is very close to. We are all great friends, she just came to TN and stayed with me almost more than with him (but I currently live on a glorious piece of mountains with streams and woods so of course she would want to come here.)

C. met another girl this winter at a convention, I met her a day later, we all hit it off and now we have someone we both really adore.

The reason I really dig this girl is how she has taught me to be even more straight forward and honest. I mean I was honest before, but sometimes not so much with myself, or I would not ask things in a straight forward way because of being too shy or not wanting to offend. now I just say it. So much better. (duh)

I see a guy in the nearest city sometimes when I'm there. On our way up to this festival we are overnight-ing in St Louis and usually we go our separate ways in that city because I have a lover there and so does he. But this year, his lover invited me to come along with them for the evening and I thought that was really flattering and very cool of her and since my guy is busy anyway, it's perfect.

The greatest thing about our relationship (to us) is that we don't have any rules but one- Safety- but we never even thought of that as a rule (because its a given and goes without saying really) but i was being asked by some poly people who struggle with it, and they were like- Well THAT'S a RULE! - ok sure- we use condoms and get tested yearly. But that's really our only rule.

I live with a few people who have recently gone through what I'm calling- Polyamory EPIC FAIL. a year of lie-ing, cheating, scheming, and just plain disrespect by all members. It makes me sad for them- and reminds me of what NOT to do.

I'm very thankful for my relationships and the men and women that I have in my life in various ways.

Thank you for letting me share!
1 luv,
trish

posted in Polyamory - 4 replies

Communication tools - whats in you toolbox? [irreverent]

2009-04-23T00:08:27Z

http://www.hulu.com/watch/4105/saturday-night-live-bitch-slap-method#s-p6-st-i2

posted in Polyamory - 3 replies

Love or Lust?

2009-04-18T15:56:08Z

I've recently been talking with my girlfriend about having an open relationship and we've seemingly had contrasting motivations behind the thought. If we were open, I'd want to look for relationships of love and intimacy, and she is interested in something that sounds more like one night stands. She doesn't particularly want to know who I'm hooking up with, but I would probably want to know about hers. For me, it seems strange being willing to hook up with people without having vested interest past what I would consider to be lust. Understanding that people have different desires, what has been your experience? It makes me nervous that she would want to keep outside relationships completely separate from ours. I think I'd have issues of fear of the unknown men.

I let her choose whether we'd be open or monogamous, and she decided to keep it monogamous both because she wants to be with me, but also because she's scared of me loving someone else as well. I'm the flip, I'd be scared of her not loving the people she's with, and that they'd not respect our relationship.

How have you dealt with this? Do you ever find that you can't love someone as fully when you love two people?

posted in Polyamory - 4 replies

Age limit?

2009-04-10T14:05:13Z

This may get a teensy bit TMI, please bear with me ;)

For the last couple of years I've been having some peri-menopausal problems leading me to an increased stress response in general. I have basically lost a great deal of tolerance for relationship dramas, many of which seem to be unavoidable with poly. While this is a good thing, it's also not much fun.

And, yes, I do understand that monogamy brings dramas too.

A monogamous friend of mine recently suggested that a very active poly life might have an age limit, and I frankly haven't been able to stop thinking about that. While I resist thinking in absolutes, and can see that there are many different choices out there for how to conduct polyamory in may given situations, I am feeling a sense of exhaustion over the thought of "dating" anyone, or dealing with anyone my husband sees.

As a result, I have asked that my guy take the next indefinite period of time to see women completely away from my daily existence. Where we live, we have a very active, but very small, poly community, and things tend to get a bit..incestuous, I guess, so this solution doesn't always work out quite as nicely as I hoped it would. I am generally friends with whomever he sees, and I like this, for the most part.

I'm just tired. And I don't believe it's within my rights to make decisions for him, or limit his life because I'm not feeling well. But, I often feel like I'm juggling balls, and I need simplification.

What do you all think? Are any of you going through big physical changes and having them affect how much you can take?

posted in Polyamory - 10 replies

Is she self-absorbed, or what?

2009-04-09T09:25:10Z

I dated this (wonderful) poly woman for about five months (and yes, I am of course poly. Been there for about 10 years). Let's call her "S."

We had some FABULOUS time together. She is such the science geek and we connect on so many levels. She is cute, sexy, intelligent, fun .........

But we had a tough time over most of those five months. She had a lot of work, I was married, then I was filing for divorce. She wanted to have a truly poly relationship (she had been doing the serial monogamy thing for a few years and was not happy with that.)

Finally, she was ready to create that "sacred space" she values in a relationship (who doesn't?). I had asked for this a few times. Finally, we were "there."

As far as I am concerned, we did not move forward. One date was great, the next she ignored me. Then again it was nice, then again she ignored me. I know it is not all her. I contributed. .... But I felt jerked around. I felt taken for granted.

I finally told her that I was at the end of my rope. I told her "if you really want to move this relationship forward, please show me. Don't tell me. Show me."

She said: "I respect you for bringing this up."

We set up a special date. I made a special French dinner. I set out candles and wine and salad and cheese on the table. I brought out the china. I welcomed her to the house as if I was the French matrody (sp?). I did this whole thing ..... more than I can describe here.

Wanna know what we talked about that night after what I did?

Her.

We talked about HER. Her past relationships, why she has issues ...

I did appreciate her opening up to me about her past and why she was having a hard time with trust and commitment. However, she could've asked me "What can I do to show you I want to move this relationship forward?"

Nope.

She could've apologized for jerking me around (as she admitted, very early on, that she would).

Nope.

She could have apologized for ignoring me on a group hike as I made it clear she had (and she didn't disagree)

Nope.

We talked about HER. Her fears, concerns, trust issues, commitment issues. ......

I understand those things. I really do. You put your trust in someone and they let you down. That's not easy to recover from. She has some serious scars and I have a lot of empathy for that. I'm certain I have communicated that.

But I'm not him.

Yet we never got past this. We never got past talking about her. After five months, my filing for divorce, the house is on the market, she and I talked about having a child together .......

Wanna guess how many times we had sex? I dare you.

Later that night, after talking through (her) stuff, I went to kiss her on her tummy. She pushed me away.

Is this woman self-absorbed, or what? Seriously.

I am 99.95% done with this shit and I would really like to "tell her off" by saying "You are the single most self absorbed human being I have ever met."

But maybe that is me just being angry.

What do you think? (given that this is a few paragraphs description of a five month so-called "relationship")

posted in Polyamory - 17 replies

new to poly

2009-04-09T05:18:30Z

hello, i am new. i need some sympathic, nonjudgmental advice, hopefully i dont get chewed out. my bf introduced me to the idea of polyamory. im bisexual and he is str8, im 23 and hes 29. i want to date women and have a relationship with them but felt like why do i need to do poly in order to date women? that was my 1st thought. then we started talking more and more about it. we both went online and did research about polyamory. we want to do a triad where im poly and hes mono. a triad is me and him are together and me dating a woman. now, the confusion (dont know how others got confused) in another poly group felt i was bein selfish cuz i wanted to have all the fun while my bf couldnt. my bf said he doesnt want to have another woman for himself, only wants me while im dating another woman. as long as im happy. those are his words and ppl are twisting it around like i wanna have my cake and eat it too. that is what we agreed too and i dont see how thats bein selfish. i dont think there is a right or wrong way to do poly, as long as u both communicate ur needs.

i dont have a need to fuck around, plus he said he wont get jealous or anything. i have been trying to find a woman to date, i dont know how to bring up the idea of polyamory to someone. most ppl in america hate those kinds of alternative relationships, whereas it is acceptable in other countries. does anyone have any suggestions or opinions?

posted in Polyamory - 15 replies